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How understanding divorce can help your marriage | Jeannie Suk Gersen

Visit to get our entire library of TED Talks, transcripts, translations, personalized talk recommendations and more. To understand what makes marriages work, we need to talk about why they sometimes end, says family law professor Jeannie Suk Gersen. Follow along as she lays out three ways that thinking about marital decisions through the lens of…

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Visit to get our entire library of TED Talks, transcripts, translations, personalized talk recommendations and more.

To understand what makes marriages work, we need to talk about why they sometimes end, says family law professor Jeannie Suk Gersen. Follow along as she lays out three ways that thinking about marital decisions through the lens of divorce can help you better navigate togetherness from the beginning.

The TED Talks channel features the best talks and performances from the TED Conference, where the world’s leading thinkers and doers give the talk of their lives in 18 minutes (or less). Look for talks on Technology, Entertainment and Design — plus science, business, global issues, the arts and more. You’re welcome to link to or embed these videos, forward them to others and share these ideas with people you know. For more information on using TED for commercial purposes (e.g. employee learning, in a film or online course), submit a Media Request here:

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87 Comments

87 Comments

  1. Sim Lucien

    May 4, 2020 at 6:54 pm

    Understanding divorce is why men don’t want to get married. Its a losing proposition for us.

  2. Kunal Gautam

    May 4, 2020 at 6:59 pm

    Next ted talk *”how can dying help you live”*

    • Lisa Mac

      May 4, 2020 at 7:05 pm

      Kunal Gautam Actually, that was a good one .

    • Anne Day

      May 4, 2020 at 7:13 pm

      That’s been done, it was great.

    • Chevy Boy

      May 4, 2020 at 11:13 pm

      Ha ha, I have to try dying first instead of listening to a pep talk! Lol. She uses the speech title to sell you how much it will cost to have a divorce counsellor as surely people will need it late.

    • Evan Shirley

      May 4, 2020 at 11:33 pm

      Tuesdays With Morrie

    • Shivshankar Nagarsoge

      May 5, 2020 at 12:52 am

      😀😀

  3. Laxmikanth Chary

    May 4, 2020 at 7:14 pm

    In telugu states we have bathukujataka bandi……..to compromise….

    • Burdflu C-William

      May 4, 2020 at 9:34 pm

      Some folk grow up so selfishly that the idea of compromise is outside of their realm of understanding.

  4. Jason Ready

    May 4, 2020 at 7:16 pm

    How many goats are you worth at the end of the day?

  5. Cyndi Warren

    May 4, 2020 at 7:24 pm

    💖💖💖 Please watch if considering marriage… Going through a divorce and this info would have been so useful before we got married. Thank you!! 🌜Blessings to all!🌛

  6. Anne Day

    May 4, 2020 at 7:25 pm

    Great talk. Her closing statement felt a little like word vomit, but her three key points were excellently presented.

  7. mmatrainee

    May 4, 2020 at 7:34 pm

    “She graduates and files for divorce” well, good timing, he gets half now!

    • Lightning Fang

      May 4, 2020 at 10:27 pm

      Double standards

  8. مقاطع منوعة

    May 4, 2020 at 7:47 pm

    In Islam, there are absolutely no problems between the pair and both are understanding

  9. Jesus A_ Prophet_In_Islam

    May 4, 2020 at 7:54 pm

    GOD said : ﴾And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought۝And of His signs is the creation of the heavens and the earth and the diversity of your languages and your colors. Indeed in that are signs for those of knowledge۝And of His signs is your sleep by night and day and your seeking of His bounty. Indeed in that are signs for a people who listen﴿ [Quran 30 : 21-23]

    • l96ai

      May 4, 2020 at 10:58 pm

      Yeah.. it does not work..does it?

  10. Supernova Kasprzak

    May 4, 2020 at 8:00 pm

    “Emily and Deb”??? I knew gay divorce would happen _eventually,_ but given the recent struggles in order to gain the right to marry (and the still-possible danger of the Supreme Court overturning that right), it’s just a weird thing to consider a gay couple even doing.

  11. Vash Matrix

    May 4, 2020 at 8:14 pm

    What a dumb choice of words for a title. Divorce is ending “marriage”. That like the dummies who support abortion saying it saves lives while ignoring the main goal of abortions.

  12. Ramón González

    May 4, 2020 at 8:15 pm

    Why try to understand divorce? I would think it’s better to understand marriage so you don’t get married in the first place.

    • Chevy Boy

      May 4, 2020 at 10:54 pm

      You have to understand she might be selling herself here. I admire your insight. But ‘to be or not to be’, that is the question!

  13. angelisland

    May 4, 2020 at 8:27 pm

    This talk was so convoluted and hard to follow. smh

  14. Some Random Person

    May 4, 2020 at 8:30 pm

    It’s like what I remember from adventure time:
    “Responsibility demands sacrifice.” -P.B.

    • Chevy Boy

      May 4, 2020 at 10:35 pm

      No doubt!

  15. Amata love s*x- TAP ON MY PHOTO

    May 4, 2020 at 8:33 pm

    something boring, guy ☘ 🍹

  16. ikkedansk

    May 4, 2020 at 8:46 pm

    what a waste of time

  17. grishma shah

    May 4, 2020 at 9:10 pm

    1:06 it means men are always wrong for women

  18. Lisa Love Ministries

    May 4, 2020 at 9:15 pm

    Pray always seek God.
    John 14:6

  19. grishma shah

    May 4, 2020 at 9:16 pm

    5:49 got it, act selfishly in marriage

  20. KGB

    May 4, 2020 at 9:18 pm

    These pre-marriage decisions depend on a pre-existing balance of power in the relationship.

    • Chevy Boy

      May 4, 2020 at 10:49 pm

      This is a prominent thesis about life in North Amerca. Overall, it involves more than this. Wealth and power cannot negotiate that mysterious thing called Love. And I am not a believer of ‘Soul Mate’.

  21. grishma shah

    May 4, 2020 at 9:22 pm

    8:51 get better at hiding money.

  22. Tony Cole

    May 4, 2020 at 10:33 pm

    In the U.K. 1 in 2 marriages end in divorce, why on earth people would even bother. It’s a failed institution. As with everything the government is involved with, they always royally screw it up.

    • Chevy Boy

      May 4, 2020 at 11:28 pm

      It is a failing institution, no doubt! But divorce is not the government’s fault though they have to catch up with life’s progression. Life condition changes too fast for most countries to catch up with amendments. Royalty is dead, if not dead!

  23. mirtagpa

    May 5, 2020 at 12:06 am

    Marriage is a partnership. This is a great talk thanks 👍🏽

  24. nonchalantd

    May 5, 2020 at 12:23 am

    Why even get married? Societal pressure? Fear of missing out? Possessiveness?

  25. Shivshankar Nagarsoge

    May 5, 2020 at 12:54 am

    I think Ted is producing silly content for publicity. One day Ted will produce video of telling “How dieing helps to live”

  26. Melque Silva

    May 5, 2020 at 2:06 am

    so, what´s the point of getting married? makes no sense

  27. ricardo ortega

    May 5, 2020 at 2:08 am

    Totalmente de acuerdo ,es para siempre

  28. Chinese Handwriting

    May 5, 2020 at 2:11 am

    You should always marry your second husband first!

  29. George J Gilles.:

    May 5, 2020 at 2:26 am

    I concur with this video.

  30. Sanction

    May 5, 2020 at 5:47 am

    I’m noticing in college less and less people want to be in relationships…. even some people asking what’s the point. What’s the point of marriage, it seems like a lot of people aren’t having a good time with it as is

    • Carmen Smith Aguirre

      May 5, 2020 at 1:38 pm

      Are you noticing that?

  31. pibadar

    May 5, 2020 at 5:57 am

    I think we need to go back to the original meaning of sacrifice. If sacrifice is being mindful of future events then is it really sacrifice. In today’s society where everything is about fairness.. it’s no wonder divorce rates are at an all time high.

  32. Alpesh Abhijit Chowdhury

    May 5, 2020 at 7:02 am

    Marriage is a farce.

  33. 小杰 &Mr

    May 5, 2020 at 7:09 am

    I have married my second wife,lol

  34. rajashekhar sardagi

    May 5, 2020 at 8:03 am

    It was boring to listen. she is not prepared at all. really disappointed.

  35. Yangyang Zhao

    May 5, 2020 at 9:23 am

    Why must second? I always believe eternal first true love…

    • Katie Arbuckle

      May 6, 2020 at 6:55 am

      Than do it right the first time, and set boundaries so you’re “Second Husband.” Becomes you’re “First True Love.”

  36. Fitness_Doug

    May 5, 2020 at 9:51 am

    Dont get married, its not normal for humans to be bound to only one person for long time. We are poly.

  37. Dimes607

    May 5, 2020 at 10:49 am

    I understand divorce by not getting married. Completely eliminates the issue

  38. Pentakids Abacus Academy

    May 5, 2020 at 12:03 pm

  39. Tawheed Mohammad Sayyid

    May 5, 2020 at 1:50 pm

    I literally had listened and re-listened to this video endless number of times in order to understand further. This is not to complaint. But to compliment that you have shared with us a wisdom

  40. n sol

    May 5, 2020 at 2:10 pm

    The new way to look at marriage, Nice video thanks TED

  41. Austin S

    May 5, 2020 at 3:54 pm

    Jeez marriage just sounds even more terrible than ever.

  42. PG

    May 5, 2020 at 4:28 pm

    Event 201. Rockefeller lock step scenario document made in 2010. They are taking citizens rights away to have guns to avoid a revolution. Look up the neurolink that musk is working on. They want to kill us off depopulate and connect the human Brain to ai. Read culture and technology by Andrew Murphie & John Potts. It’s all in there as literature not conspiracy. They talk about nano bots. Which can be used to destroy organs. Fauci also said that trumps administration would experience a surprise outbreak back in 2017. This is a PLANDEMIC.

  43. ArianeIsAwesome

    May 6, 2020 at 1:04 am

    I’m not trying to be racist or anything like that but most of the people who are getting a divorce are white and black because if you’re Indian and you get a divorce, honey it’s going to be really hard to find another husband because most Indians have this image that if you got a divorce once you’re going to keep getting a divorce over and over with everyone they marry it’s not the person you’re dating who’s the problem it’s their parents

  44. imbintor Gamoza

    May 6, 2020 at 1:26 am

    Wow your very EXCELLENT my frnd..you have a huge big Family at YT world..i love you my frnd…

  45. kenneth Gamoza

    May 6, 2020 at 1:26 am

    Wow your very EXCELLENT my frnd..you have a huge big Family at YT world..i love you my frnd…

  46. imbintor Gamoza

    May 6, 2020 at 1:33 am

    Here in my country in Philippines thers no a case for divorce coz we don’t have a divorce bill until now..

  47. kenneth Gamoza

    May 6, 2020 at 1:33 am

    Here in my country in Philippines thers no a case for divorce coz we don’t have a divorce bill until now..

  48. TheRawBabe

    May 6, 2020 at 3:55 am

    contribute, owe, give, give up 4 elements to discuss openly during marriage in order to keep a marriage ❤

  49. TheRawBabe

    May 6, 2020 at 3:56 am

    sacrifice v fair exchange, no free childcare, yours becomes ours! 3 golden rules to remember BEFORE getting into marriage ✌

  50. Alec marin

    May 6, 2020 at 5:06 am

    If you want good advice don’t get married in the first place cuz divorce ruins most people ends in broken families broken children and even suicide and the justice system it’s just a tool to exploit the human suffering

  51. Thomas Coolidge

    May 6, 2020 at 5:32 am

    Managed to make it 18 years on my first (and only so far) marriage. Eventually she just gave up on us and even she admits it.. She decided she just wanted to stay home with her parents. I moved to make money for us since she didn’t want to do anything more than what she wants.. yeah she decided she wanted the money I earn just without me. Going on 6 months of divorce now.. 18 years of work for nothing…

    • SalaTheDon

      May 8, 2020 at 5:33 pm

      I hope you get better man!

  52. Thomas Coolidge

    May 6, 2020 at 5:39 am

    It’s easy to say all this but none of this matters in a marriage… if you try to play the protection game it’s used against you as being non-supportive of the marriage. We don’t go into marriage planning on divorcing.. if you are then you shouldn’t be getting married in the first place. You never plan to fail. You should be making it work.. the problem is when you are trying to make it work but the other person isn’t. When the other person changes…

  53. 1NELife

    May 6, 2020 at 6:16 am

    Grate information!

  54. M Sajid Ali tv

    May 6, 2020 at 8:19 am

    Good speech

  55. Ly Mata

    May 6, 2020 at 10:09 am

    I can relate to this discussion..

  56. Your Majesty

    May 6, 2020 at 10:24 am

    This is crap advice. Basically she says you need to have hindsight. Which doesn’t happen until after (the definition of hindsight)
    Oh, and make all your decisions as if you’re getting a divorce.

  57. Delbert Annis

    May 6, 2020 at 6:12 pm

    Always put yourself last and always take care of yourself. Different societies and cultures understand, or understood what this lady s talking about. Unfortunately, the American Society is riddled with, me, me, me, I, I, I, entitled mentality. Don’t know what the heart if for until it’s broken. So sad. Live and learn, instead of learn, then live right. Nice to see a woman in a Dress 👗 everything is fucken spandex now.

  58. zxqwerxz

    May 6, 2020 at 9:41 pm

    I can’t help but draw a parallel to a line from Frankenstein,

    “To examine the causes of life, we must first have recourse to death,”

    So to figure out what works in a marriage, you look at divorce… Not very romantic if i’m being honest and not a first date conversation starter.

  59. Raven von Frankenstein

    May 7, 2020 at 4:07 am

    MGTOW is the way!

  60. Happy gO Lucky

    May 7, 2020 at 4:40 am

    A marriage works by loving each other through communication, sacrificing, honesty, and ever trying to change your spouse.

  61. MILES CHANNEL

    May 7, 2020 at 4:36 pm

    Some people are Lucky to get married

  62. Jonny x

    May 8, 2020 at 4:10 am

    Don’t expect your other significant to change for you.

    • Mariam Kookies

      May 10, 2020 at 4:31 pm

      True

  63. TRENDY HACKS

    May 8, 2020 at 7:21 am

    Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.

  64. helix427

    May 8, 2020 at 6:42 pm

    Lisa didn’t need Andy for money anymore, so she discarded him like a piece of trash and looks for a richer, higher status man that she feels she is entitled to now.

    • ClumsyBug

      May 9, 2020 at 4:36 pm

      Lisa isn’t real

  65. Nico Joshua

    May 9, 2020 at 8:37 am

    Adam Driver on Marriage Story and Star Wars every 4th May:
    “May divorce be with you”

  66. Gigi Elizabeth

    May 11, 2020 at 11:59 am

    It’s not realistic to think like this…

  67. Mihail Colun

    May 11, 2020 at 12:29 pm

    So talking about divorce before marriage, counter intuitively strengthens the marriage

  68. Rachel Vensand

    May 11, 2020 at 7:48 pm

    “Sometimes the things we do out of love can be the very things that make it hard for that love to last” that part.

  69. Jesus Alfaro-Garcia

    May 12, 2020 at 4:26 pm

    I like her dress.

  70. IKap

    May 12, 2020 at 10:16 pm

    Interesting perspective

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