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Marrying for love is a relatively recent phenomenon for humanity, and we still don’t fully understand what it means for building successful relationships, says author and psychiatrist George Blair-West. Drawing from his extensive experience working with couples, he shares four questions every couple should ask themselves before tying the knot — and highlights surprising findings…
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@ainulhoquefahad5213
May 3, 2024 at 12:04 pm
first comment
@tahaadnan5737
May 3, 2024 at 12:06 pm
Second comment
@Padam91
May 3, 2024 at 12:11 pm
Wow well I hope you feel seen
@CMDR_MAJIC
May 3, 2024 at 12:06 pm
Best comment
@CMDR_MAJIC
May 3, 2024 at 12:06 pm
Worst comment
@lucca2c
May 3, 2024 at 12:55 pm
you got that right
@takielddine9901
May 3, 2024 at 12:07 pm
❤❤
@Deodexidus
May 3, 2024 at 12:21 pm
So basically he’s saying if you marry for love you’re more than likely F**ked, good to know
@munashetanguay
May 3, 2024 at 12:24 pm
I’m genuinely grateful for the opportunity to engage with such intelligent and thoughtful individuals. It’s enriching.👅
@mariabaker2894
May 3, 2024 at 12:31 pm
I am forwarding this to my grandsons whose marriages I intend to arrange! Know Indian couple whose marriage was arranged. Works like a clock. Chinese friend told me that the couple and couple’s parents must agree on future husband/wife. They REALLY should! 👍🥰
@wolfferoni
May 3, 2024 at 9:14 pm
I think it’s important that a person has close friends and family to get feedback on their partner and the relationship but I don’t necessarily think a person’s parents need to agree on their future spouse. Parents don’t always have their children’s best interests at heart or necessarily even know them that well. A lot of Asian parents look at status and earning potential over everything and I understand why but that’s not a good predictor of a happy life or marriage. Many older people don’t know what a healthy relationship even is. We aren’t that far from the time where women were simply expected to raise kids and make their husbands happy.
@Orange.PoolDream
May 3, 2024 at 12:47 pm
I’ve seen a pattern where weekends are couples. They spend weekdays at their respective parents’ homes and weekends together as husband and wife. There’s a lot of diversity.
@jettesides420
May 3, 2024 at 1:02 pm
Domestic Comment
@jamescraig3345
May 3, 2024 at 1:12 pm
But what about all those marriages that begin with both finding “the one” and have the incentive to solve issues as they come about, making for a lifetime of being in love, being very close, retaining romance, almost attached after for example our 56 years. Study only those and talk about the flip side.
@toivovirtanen4700
May 3, 2024 at 3:38 pm
Ester Perel made some interesting talks about that, and her book Mating in Captivity is great.
@barbiesergio7663
May 3, 2024 at 1:19 pm
Arranged marriages don’t date. 🤔. Perhaps this buys them a few more years.
@fitandfrequent
May 3, 2024 at 1:28 pm
I believe the message here is more nuanced than how it was presented. First, you have to give him props for being pro-marriage but at the same time cautioning people to not just marry the person they are in love with. His main point here is that falling into a legal commitment with somebody that makes you “feel good” seems to not work out in the long run. That is because a long term relationship requires personal sacrifice of the self for the betterment of the other person, and this won’t be easy to do when the “feeling” is no longer there. Rather, we should take a more practical approach to what may be the most consequential decisions of our life. This sort of practically already exists in arranged marriages which is why we see a higher rate of relationship satisfaction with those couples. It is rather hard for us to make practical decisions about our own lives, which is why it may help to have a community and family involved in this decision. Now, the other part not discussed here is that more people today are isolated, living away from family, or are lacking any close personal friendships. To add to that, there is social media which gives us a false sense of reality, and makes us compare our lives to others. Making a practical decision is not as pretty as the lifestyles or relationships that you may be seeing on social media. So we’re caught in a hard place. If making a practical decision on our love life is the correct path, and there’s evidence to showcase that it will provide a much more successful relationship in the long term, then how do we know we are being practical when everything around us is showing us to live based off a “feeling”? Aside from that, it almost seems that if you are going to be the one in your group of friends to be more practical about your love life, then you’ll probably feel like you’re the one losing out on that fun and exciting “feeling” that all your friends are getting to experience. Imagine you’re the only one in your circle of friends saving money, which will compound interest over time and make you rich in the long run, but meanwhile all your friends are living it up and spending their money on great adventures…You’re going to feel like you’re the one missing out on life in that moment, right? It’s not easy to be committed to the long term success, especially when it’s not even guaranteed. You’re just supposing it will work out based off the stats. Life is really a risk, and no matter what route you take, you won’t know until after it’s happened if you took the right path. Now go find that TRUE LOVE of yours. Cheers!
@wearesebastian
May 3, 2024 at 1:44 pm
All marriages are arranged if you get deeply technical, why do you meet anyone? The issue is the feeling of control. I bet if you could somehow create a situation where an ‘arranged’ meeting could occur where both parties thought it wasn’t the world would be a happier place. I mean, why do you trust a dating app algorithm over your own family. I vote for arranged marriage but there always has to be 3 choices 😄
@420WayneKerr
May 3, 2024 at 2:19 pm
Notice the top “satisfaction” measure in arranged marriages is loyalty. Loyalty is a rather nuanced term that can be interpreted in a dozen ways. Loyalty to a partner who cheats on you? To one who beats you? To one who controls all the money, forcing your loyalty? While I agree that these data points paint a picture, it certainly does not answer the WHY for the reason behind people staying in arranged marriages, especially since this is a worldwide picture. Women in many countries who largely conduct arranged marriages are programmed not to say anything remotely negative about their marriages, for fear of social isolation, banishment, or worse. This is why self-reported survey responses – in all research, not just this kind – are viewed by scientists as the least reliable form of information for drawing scientific conclusions.
I’m not saying there is no validity to the differences between love marriages vs. arranged marriages. I’m just saying that the data presented here leaves room for more investigation. It is certainly not the final word on this topic.
@xyxy5978
May 3, 2024 at 2:38 pm
It’s about having the right priorities. Love is meaningless without being connected to respect and honour for yourself and your partner.
@farhadnikkhoo8764
May 3, 2024 at 8:10 pm
This is the right answer.
We hear it all the time that “love is all you need” and take it at face value. While that is a well meaning sentence, it’s not enough.
Love is a byproduct of 3 major pillars in a relationship. They are Appreciation, Respect, and Trust.
If any of those pillars are missing, contempt and resentment sets in.
@kkaalaas
May 3, 2024 at 3:32 pm
he lost me at …….no gender……..its this insanity that is tearing apart society at the moment.
@nickhansen7301
May 3, 2024 at 3:54 pm
Does the marriage last is not the only possible measure of success. Cultures where arranged marriages are the norm, are also cultures where divorce is mush less acceptable and much more stigmatizing, and where the woman have fewer or no options after a break up.
@augustinf
May 3, 2024 at 4:03 pm
Also… you don’t always have the time. It s not the same to start a relationship when you are 20, 30 or 40. The older you get, the more expérience you have, and the less time you have. When you feel like you found the one you’re not going to wait 4 years when you’re 40.. mostly for a woman that wants kids
@blairpittams9380
May 3, 2024 at 4:53 pm
I wish i could have listened but my mind kept wondering. I only want to make my comments after i hear,
@user-ht8fn5kb5g
May 3, 2024 at 4:56 pm
I’ve violated Einstein’s theory of relativity. I’ve found a way to go faster than the speed of light without physically changing your body or ship…. In April 2017, I discovered the first and unknown element called I have put it as wd and it consists of a proton, and quantum, I have found the method of traveling in space without the previous risks…. I have discovered the method of discovering the entrance and exit of wormholes, which are space shortcuts, and the method of traveling through the wormhole, which rules I have found the physics in it to be completely different from the known laws of physics. I can get a man to the first habitable planet in eight to ten hours and back in the same time. I have a lot of information that you don’t have. Surprise. I’m the bomb. I have made it, which breaks the target into its constituent particles, i.e. electrons, protons, and neutrons, and some energy is in the form of wind. That is, it turns the target into nothing. For example, a metropolis with its people. I have made an electromagnetic warbird. With a permanent fuel source, this bird has no pilot and is made of materials that cannot be seen by the normal bird eye, let alone advanced radars. I still have a lot on my mind…
@RandomComments238
May 3, 2024 at 6:41 pm
Anyone else feel like 6:50 was a laughing track?
@K4R3N
May 3, 2024 at 8:45 pm
Yeah me and my ex were a love marriage that lasted 19 years and 3 kids. We fell out of love. Still get along and cooperate. But once love goes, there’s nothing left for the marriage. Something to be said for arranged marriages.
@narap2687
May 4, 2024 at 4:55 pm
What you mean by love?
@rashidabaakza8554
May 3, 2024 at 10:23 pm
Love and arrange marriage are two different things. Love is unsecured and unconventional. Arranged Marriage is commitment of verbal or nonverbal agreement by the society and for the society in most cases. Most of all desire love marriages from 15 to early 30’s, then finally end up in arranged ones. And in some categories of relationships, people just looking for partners but either social reforms or some other factors restrict them.
@Be.Sm_art
May 4, 2024 at 3:02 am
It’s a really interesting topic. Thanks! 😊
@sionkim7316
May 4, 2024 at 3:26 am
Wow. Thank you
@Janos0206
May 4, 2024 at 3:56 am
I don’t know, I think for Trinity this question was pretty relevant.
@Eltoca21
May 4, 2024 at 4:19 am
@12.21 “… in an arranged marriage all you have from the outset is a commitment”. Hmm?! The people I have known in arranged marriages might say it is an obligation pressure and responsibility to their respective families and the task/pressure not to question and or humiliate and disappoint and disrespect that family/tradition, not to mention this is also done in many cases to safeguard wealth and social status. Relationships are a complex complicated and convoluted chemical reaction. Trying to reduce them to an studied logical explanations is always interesting/amusing.
@Laurelin70
May 5, 2024 at 2:48 am
But relationships are NOT a chemical reaction! That’s the bottom line of all this talk. In human experience, relationships are a complex tangle of chemical/physiological reactions with social expectations (of both partners too) and ethical valours and upbringing and education and Life experience and culture. And since it Is so, the so called “love” is something different for each person, so maybe you should wait a moment and think about it, evaluating your feelings with a bit more reason, stating your expectations clearly with yourself first and your partner afterward, knowing your partner a bit more, in different settings, situations, social environments, during your and their difficult times… Because feelings (the chemical reaction) are not permanent, so your massive decisions shouldn’t be based on them.
@thienngatran1017
May 4, 2024 at 4:28 am
instead of asking are you the one? ask
1) do i accept my partner despite their shortcomings
2) do i commit to nurture them to achieve what is important to them?
3) do they accept me?
4) do they commit to me?
all you need is 4 yeses
@musasunusiahmad
May 12, 2024 at 8:57 am
Insightful
@potapotapotapotapotapota
May 4, 2024 at 4:33 am
marriage will never work when at least one of you is incapable of love
@nicthecre8r
May 6, 2024 at 8:46 am
That depends on the definition of love you live by
@potapotapotapotapotapota
May 6, 2024 at 10:48 pm
@@nicthecre8r Love by my definition is something that you cannot earn, it is freely given out of the kindness of your heart not expecting anything in return for it. If your idea of love is transactional then you will never succeed in a relationship. Maybe a partnership, but don’t expect to know and trust your partner at a deep emotional level.
@alias7343
May 4, 2024 at 6:29 am
Not anymore.
@tiahna7800
May 4, 2024 at 10:26 am
I wonder what “love” means to people….
Because i see alot of people say love is meaningless unless blah blah blah.
@hunnybunny1024
May 4, 2024 at 12:56 pm
I wonder if the satisfaction rates for arranged marriages are higher, is just a result of the relationships dynamics and feeling being stable over time, because there is less/no honeymoon phase to the relationships, and that the satisfaction rates for love marriages drop because they become relatively less emotional with time (as expected because they are now comparing honey moon phases with the monotony of daily life). Because all the metrics are comparative it is impossible to determine which marriages are ever more satisfying or what people are using to determine their own metrics.
@akhtarmuhammad7347
May 4, 2024 at 4:50 pm
❤❤❤
@bogdan78pop
May 4, 2024 at 6:38 pm
Never married , 27 years together since high school , and i cannot imagine my life without her….I hope she feels the same way…!!
@TheRealBatCave
May 6, 2024 at 12:23 pm
At 27 years u don’t kno if she enjoys u around???
@Directory1
May 6, 2024 at 1:57 pm
Stockholm syndrome. 😮
@rayvinjamuri8031
May 12, 2024 at 1:20 pm
😂😂😂😂😂
@denisZsuave
May 4, 2024 at 6:39 pm
why is the word “committed” bleeped 01:38?
@kaylorado
May 4, 2024 at 7:52 pm
What a great Ted talk about true love ❤
@bozhidarmihaylov
May 5, 2024 at 5:18 am
The Most Unromantic but Actual definition of Love 😊
@truhhhhhhhokIII3
May 5, 2024 at 2:57 pm
This was so close, but its not it.
@meccamadina7371
May 5, 2024 at 7:25 pm
BUT……………Divorce laws, Alimony, Child support, Feminist laws…………..how will the poor lawyers and judges make their living unless they make men miserable.
@iancormie9916
May 6, 2024 at 1:26 am
The missmatch usually starts when someone (male or female) is conned by a narcissist or psycopath.
In this regard, parents are likely to avoid this situation or, at the very least, to be no more likely to make the mistakes than the younger generation.
@UpacersArt
May 6, 2024 at 5:35 am
Marriage is a business of the system made by greedy creatures.
@emperorremus8409
May 6, 2024 at 6:17 am
People STILL go to “TED” groups? LMAO! 🤣 Don’t tell me people also STILL pay money for these! 🤣
@PriyaSanda-pb3tr
May 6, 2024 at 12:48 pm
Anyway I heard it for learning the English language and gaining knowledge cuz I like to talk and understand the English language
@lucypark617
May 6, 2024 at 12:48 pm
Truly insightful. Thank you very much!
@ericgardner5548
May 6, 2024 at 2:01 pm
I’ve said for years, it is a recent thing in humanity that people marry for love.
@shanghai_CityVIVO
May 9, 2024 at 4:13 am
Excellent talk. One of the best Ted talks about relationship and love in a while. 👍👍👍🇨🇳🇨🇳🇨🇳
@freeguy3751
May 10, 2024 at 1:36 am
The camera view from behind the speaker is embarrassing lol they should not show that it looks like there’s no one in the crowd🤣
@LieveLeysen-Discover-
May 11, 2024 at 7:32 am
❣️