People & Blogs
The Secret to Lasting Love | Eli J. Finkel | TED
Social psychologist Eli J. Finkel has spent decades studying what makes partnerships successful. In a practical talk drawing on lessons from pop culture, he explores why so many of us struggle to be true to ourselves in our relationships — and what the happiest couples do differently. (Recorded at TED2026 on April 16, 2026) Join…
People & Blogs
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People & Blogs
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Activist Leopoldo López learned the true value of freedom in a solitary confinement cell, when someone else decided if he would eat or see sunlight. In this searching conversation, he explains why democracy is losing ground across the globe, the state of Venezuela’s transition after Maduro’s capture and the 2026 earthquakes — and why he…
People & Blogs
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@blessyGelJournal
October 19, 2026 at 11:06 am
🙌🏻🙌🏻👍🏻👍🏻✨💯
@blessyChel7
October 19, 2026 at 11:06 am
🙌🏻🙌🏻👍🏻👍🏻✨💯
@BelievE-li
October 19, 2026 at 11:16 am
Love how this is beginning!
@MehjabinPriya-e8f
October 19, 2026 at 11:17 am
it’s a kind of personal issues and perspective, no matter how much world or different books try to explain it with definition, not all people will believe on marriage, child and so on! and people who think that, i need to talk with that certain person before i die, may be that’s persons muse of life!But that doesn’t mean all people will believe or felt that away!I don’t know from my adult time, it’s kinda complicated for me to believe on soul to soul connection! let’s say once i felt that that,than after that person i got issues to accept anyone like that!That doesn’t mean i hate others to see their partner or child! and for about love,this world actually believe on Money or business, there no love and soul to soul concept in real,It’s a lie! i’m in love with you, can be the most lie word in the world! It can be anything we find peace, it shouldn’t be any person to believe! and people who think, yeah yeah,how people live alone! ohh, common all people actually alone in their self side! after deaths that’s how we will be alone!So what’s the issue, if you accept and enjoy your life in your own away! 💙
@XX-lx4mr
October 19, 2026 at 1:54 pm
I don’t see a world full of honesty, commitment and love. I do see the opposite though
@MehjabinPriya-e8f
October 19, 2026 at 2:00 pm
@XX-lx4mrsame!
@h_a_n_s_i_l_u
October 19, 2026 at 11:49 am
loving kindness>love
@Xelastic
October 19, 2026 at 11:57 am
You know, when you really look at it, men and women aren’t these separate, rival forces trying to strike a deal. They’re really just two halves of the exact same living organism, built to function together. When a guy and a woman drop their armor and start building those little daily rituals and secret codes, they create a whole private world. Once that shared world takes root, doing right by each other isn’t some exhausting chore or loss of freedom. It’s literally just taking care of your own shared identity, because you’re both in the exact same boat. But when a person stays completely isolated and tries to run life on their own, everything gets totally out of whack. It’s like being a captain without a ship, or a boat drifting without a rudder—you’ve got all this hardware, but zero direction. Without that partner or purpose to anchor you to real life, your mind just turns inward and starts picking itself apart. You end up stuck in your own head, tracking every move and building heavy armor against threats that aren’t even there. But the moment you link up and build that shared reality, all that internal friction disappears, and you finally start actually navigating life together.
@XX-lx4mr
October 19, 2026 at 1:53 pm
Except ninety percent of one group can always get what they want and only about twenty percent of the other group can
@Xelastic
October 19, 2026 at 1:56 pm
@XX-lx4mragreed, perhaps I’m talking about some utopian world where both parties understand this and act on it equally.
@XX-lx4mr
October 19, 2026 at 2:00 pm
@Xelastic People do win the lottery, and even then they take half
@StoriesWithEvelynHart
October 19, 2026 at 12:03 pm
That Post-it note from Alison that you carried through a move a decade later — ‘to the outside world, looks trivial; from the inside, it’s sacred’ — that line will stay with me. My husband and I have our own ‘ditto,’ a lyric from a song we loved when we were young, and I never had a word for it until you said ‘lovemotif.’ Compatibility isn’t found, it’s built in tiny moments… what a comforting thought. Thank you for this one. 💛
@paulo1940
October 19, 2026 at 12:34 pm
I love the new perspective, and I am suprised with how you explained such a critical dilemma, and provided an answer to it. I am concerned about the oversimplification of it as I realize that sometimes, people’s priorities aren’t the relationship, as much as what they have been working to accomplish since their childhood, and maybe long distance didn’t cut it for them, so they would be better off starting from scratch wherever that new place may be, and because it isn’t a soulmates approach to relationships, they both can find someone else that can share a private world with them and mesh with them properly. I do see lovemotifs as a critical factor in every relationship that strenghtens their joint identity and makes every hardship an us against the problem kind of situation
@drumbum3.142
October 19, 2026 at 12:35 pm
– There’s (Many times, perhaps) More to it than this, but Give A Damn. ❤️🔥🤝🫂❤️🔥
@newyorkian889
October 19, 2026 at 12:49 pm
took us a minute but im glad we finally discovered how love works!
@Themoonrainbow
October 19, 2026 at 1:19 pm
This is such a beautiful lesson.
I have created this with my two daughters and dad.
Bless your heart Eli J. Finkel
@XX-lx4mr
October 19, 2026 at 1:33 pm
If you’re a guy, it’s just your turn. No matter how above the standard you are, how many bills you pay, how many sacrifices you make, how important you make her and the relationship, she’s going to move on. She’s going to put those dms above you, above the relationship, above her kids, above the life she’s going to cry about when she loses it. There’s always a guy in their dms. And there’s always a point and time they give in. You can be perfect; they would make that the problem. They’ll find some excuses that puts their self-righteous behavior on you instead of them. And will probably push your kids against you with lies (because her actions aren’t about to be her fault). And if you do make it till the end, you want to know the difference between the sexes after one passes? I bet you don’t. I’m tried of seeing my friends left heart broken, and tossed like scrap. I got out years ago. Quit being door mats for these women. If they want to commit, let them. But if you see you’re anything less than a human to them, a dk, a benefactor, a babysitter… then give up your feelings, your turn is over. Hope you haven’t invested too much. And with America, it’s hilarious. They whine and complain and self-righteous, deceptive politicians and ceos like they’re not the same birds of feather.
@allpurposeflower999
October 21, 2026 at 1:13 pm
@XX-lx4mr I hope you heal from whatever caused you to think this way. Loyal women do exist.
@XX-lx4mr
October 21, 2026 at 1:58 pm
@allpurposeflower999 People also win the lottery, and it takes two. I dislike it more than anyone. Every woman in my family, every female friend I had growing up, over half my friends early relationships, everyone’s first wife… You can put the blame anywhere but where it belongs, but its still right there, and I doubt the self righteous deception changes tomorrow, just like the politicians, just like the beginning of Arabian nights, and so may other ancient texts.
And as an edit, thanks, you seem like someone who actually developed a soul. Why is it that women can’t acknowledge the bad behavior of other women? They just say that bad behavior is shaming all women. There’s plenty of trash with a weiner, we’ll all admit that, and all still have to deal with the sexism (we do learn through experience). I think everyone would benefit if we could call these women out individually and shun the actions, but women are more sexist against women then most men are. Call the bad actors out. Why do other women seek to protect the worst of them while saying the worst of them is all of them?
@XX-lx4mr
October 21, 2026 at 3:23 pm
@allpurposeflower999 And you hope I heal? From what? From what Sally? Don’t go focusing on the continual abusers and decivers, just hope the perpetual victims “heal”, and then scorn them for learning. You want us to heal and have hope that human behavior is going to change tomorrow? Every young boy should know this, and every young girl should know guys DO usually only care about one thing. We’re trash to each other, and love is an absolute horry story of a joke
@Sudhanva_0
October 19, 2026 at 1:34 pm
Beautifully explained 👏👏👏
@CEREVITY
October 19, 2026 at 3:06 pm
The La La Land read is sharp. That relationship didn’t fail for lack of love. It failed because in every me-versus-us moment, the “us” never got a vote. Driven couples do this all the time, treating each career move as a solo decision and then wondering where their private world went.
@varsh1799
October 20, 2026 at 10:05 am
@CEREVITY you’re saying women shouldn’t work? Say it openly…
@amachtinger
October 19, 2026 at 3:47 pm
Wow, so profound. Thanks
@AdityaMehendale
October 19, 2026 at 5:29 pm
Also very useful against scammers and AI-slop.
@RicardoCarvalho_1996
October 19, 2026 at 6:14 pm
Correlation doesn’t equal causation, the fact lovemotifs are associated with relationship happiness doesn’t mean one causes the other, it’s just as possible they are both the result of something else
@LoveFactorySweatShop
October 19, 2026 at 8:32 pm
This isn’t Tim Roth?
@Ahmadsalah2004
October 20, 2026 at 11:31 am
I really love this episode, it’s outstanding, 😢 it really touched something deep in my heart thanks sir.
@nathanngumi8467
October 20, 2026 at 11:52 am
Great talk!
@matickrapezdosler4388
October 21, 2026 at 2:47 am
that just might be the best ted talk I’ve ever seen
@Real_Moms_Spaghetti
October 21, 2026 at 5:43 am
While I agree that compatibility is built across the relationship, I don’t think we should completely do away with the role of the foundational compatibility. Indeed certain unconscious but present factors could make a person more appealing to me over another person. Because of that, I’m more likely to invest in building a lovemotif with the person I find more appealing.
@daily.simple.english
October 21, 2026 at 5:57 am
The concept of a “love motif” is so beautiful. Those silly inside jokes and rituals really are the glue holding long-term love together.
@VERONiYA
October 21, 2026 at 6:36 am
🔥🔥🔥👏
@Delvy787
October 21, 2026 at 7:59 am
The power of rituals. This was a fantastic talk.
@nao_kaka
October 21, 2026 at 9:14 pm
“Surfing on a shrimp sandwich” and a 10-year-old Post-it note! 😂🥪 This talk just single-handedly destroyed every dating app algorithm on the planet.
For anyone fascinated by why Eli’s “lovemotif” concept feels so deeply true, two concepts from linguistics and neuroscience explain the magic happening behind the scenes:
The Power of a “Familect”: Sociolinguists have a name for those weird inside jokes, made-up words, and “belly full of wine” codes—it’s called a familect (a dialect spoken by a family of two). Speaking a secret language that makes zero sense to the outside world isn’t just cute; it acts as a neurological safety signal. Every time you use your “ditto,” it triggers an oxytocin loop that tells your nervous system: “Inside this tiny linguistic border, we are safe, and we belong.”
Psychologist Arthur Aron’s “Self-Expansion Model” (Inclusion of Other in the Self): Modern culture tells us that “Me” and “Us” are locked in a zero-sum war (like in La La Land). But brain-imaging studies show that in deeply bonded couples, the brain physically maps the partner and your shared private world into the neural region reserved for the “Self.” That’s why losing a relationship (like the IKEA scene in 500 Days of Summer) hurts so much—you aren’t just losing a person; you are experiencing a literal amputation of a version of yourself that only existed in that shared world.
True compatibility isn’t shopping for a pre-made gear that fits you with zero friction. It’s finding someone who is willing to build a weird, ridiculous, sacred little universe with you from scratch. Go text your person your version of “ditto” today! 💛✨
@snuffleupaguess180
October 22, 2026 at 7:31 am
Made me think about my love motifs with my friends, precious
@Mitsuraga
October 22, 2026 at 9:43 am
He’s presenting the most basic concept as if it’s supposed to be mind-blowingly profound.
@8thousevirgin
October 22, 2026 at 9:03 pm
Only in the western world