Science & Technology
Even Healthy Couples Fight — the Difference Is How | Julie and John Gottman | TED
Can conflict actually bring you and your partner closer? It depends on how you fight, say Julie and John Gottman, the world’s leading relationship scientists. They share why the way couples fight can predict the future of their relationships — and show how anybody can transform conflict into an opportunity for deeper connection and understanding.…
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@p_mouse8676
June 12, 2024 at 7:43 am
Is this typically something that is more a thing in American culture? Because I know many other cultures where there isn’t such a taboo on having a fight.
Even just in general.
Also, the meaning of the word criticism is extremely different than the example in the video.
@ptkettlehatsandthegang
June 12, 2024 at 7:45 am
8:09 I love your channel and your audience, I’m gonna comment on ALL your videos for years until I reach your level of subscribers.
@twoissas
June 12, 2024 at 7:57 am
I agree wholeheartedly – it definitely take both to be mindful, tell the hard truth all while being respectful.
@hitenvaswani6637
June 12, 2024 at 8:28 am
Learnings taken from this tedx talk are as follows:
Whenever while in a conflict, your mind is flooded with thoughts, your heartbeat high
Ask or Take a break from the communication
And in that break, don’t think about it
Come back, calm, physiologically with a calm and then listen better chances of understanding properly
When you want to criticise someone
Do this?
1) talk you are feeling that is I statement
2. talk about the situation
3. And then what you need from your partner
Example :You are frustrated of chatting and talking daily only on phone
Then say this:” I am not feeling the connection or feeling good on phone as we have been communicating through phone only a lot
Will you make time to go out? Together
Know that conflicts can be perpetual
So they have to be managed and not solved
Also, when you solve the solve conflict
Remember It is conflict not to win it
But to go beneath the other person, possession, and to understand it well, that will built connection
Pre designed question to ask
1. What is your past history (childhood or background related) with this?
2. What is your dream situation?
@estrelladehimmel742
June 13, 2024 at 6:35 am
OMG this helps me a lot!! Thank you for commenting your learnings!! <3
@Cowface
June 12, 2024 at 8:51 am
The gottmans I think are myopic in their approach. Their research (from what I’ve seen) only looks at whether or not a couple stays together. They don’t look at the impact of a bad relationship on the mental health of the individuals within it and whether or not some relationships might need to end. They seem to assume staying together is good and separating is bad. This is great people who might be more conservative or religious in their inclinations, but to me it seems… incomplete.
@mindtsunami9443
June 12, 2024 at 10:47 am
It seems to me at least that they discussed relationship success and clarified that there are relationships “disasters” who may stay together but unsuccessfully
@marywiggins7411
June 12, 2024 at 3:00 pm
They did bring up that some people stayed together unhappily. Likely those people if divorced could just get into another unhappy relationship. No one should ever stay in abusive relationships or where one person abuses drugs or alcohol or have issues they refuse to work on that constitute abuse.
@Cowface
June 12, 2024 at 3:15 pm
@@marywiggins7411 yea but where is the part where they discuss the benefits of reflecting on the relationship and its impact on your life, and evaluating whether you might be better served by leaving it? It’s all skipped. The idea that people in unhappy relationships will just end up in another one may be true to some extent, I don’t know, but it seems to be used as a bludgeon to discourage people from leaving their relationship. It can get gaslighty victim blamey too. Imagine being psychologically and emotionally abused, and your marriage counselor tells you that if you leave your marriage, you’re just going to end up in another dysfunctional one? An abusive narcissist in marriage counseling would likely rejoice if their counselor started drawing upon gottman research, assured in the knowledge that saving the relationship, not mental health, is the top priority.
@marywiggins7411
June 12, 2024 at 4:32 pm
@@Cowface it appears that the point is to help people learn how to stay married and overcome the obstacles that lead to divorce where it is a matter of issues that are not those of extreme abuse. In extreme abuse there are very deep issues that require a whole lot more than just figuring out the needs of marriage communication.
No one wants unhappiness, or downright misery.
@Cowface
June 13, 2024 at 5:53 am
@@marywiggins7411 the problem is, not all abuse is obvious and it doesn’t have to be extreme to be harmful. Is “just a little bit” of abuse ok?
Furthermore abusers often excel at playing the victim, making it all but impossible for the other person to explain that there is abusive behavior going on. If there’s no violence, just a nonstop barrage of passive aggression, criticism, gaslighting, and emotional manipulation, they’ll have excuses for all of it. Next thing you know, you’re the bad guy for trying to make them look bad. And if you’ve been thoroughly gaslit about your expectations to be treated respectfully in a relationship, and abusive behavior has become normalized for you, you probably don’t have the wherewithal to defend against these attacks.
Now, it’s the counselor’s job to figure all this out, and I’m not envious of a marriage counselor’s job. And gottman research could be like a tool in the toolkit, if they don’t think saving the marriage at all costs is the best move, they can use a different tool. It’s not the gottman’s fault that their work isn’t ideal for escaping an abusive relationship, anymore than it’s the hammer’s fault for being unable to screw in a screw. But the point is, abusers aren’t stupid. They know what they’re doing is harmful and they know how to hide it. They know how to make their victims look like abusers. A counselor who is effectively deceived by an abuser could very well end up enabling abusive behavior, and make it harder for the victim to escape.
@Dynasty1818
June 12, 2024 at 8:57 am
1.5 years with my GF and not a single fight yet. Sure we’ve had debates, we have differences, she’s wrong about not needing to rinse suds off dishes and I’m wrong for not washing my hands before every meal so the little things. But no fight. To the point where she’s worried, as not fighting is often a sign of hiding something and she’s worried we’ll explode and that we don’t know how each other are/is during a fight. Are you a door slammer, voice raiser, do you go quiet etc. Well no, we just talk. We ALWAYS talk. About everything. Expectations, beliefs, decisions, we TALK. We don’t feel like we can’t talk or bring up anything. We don’t argue when the other has a different opinion or approach. Talk more = learn about that person more = know what they like and don’t like = no need to argue and nobody breaches expectations.
We’re going through our 2nd box of “deep questions” cards we got online, super cheap and easy way to ask questions you wouldn’t think to ask, and reveals a lot about yourself as long as you agree to never lie in your answers beforehand.
@meowcasts
June 12, 2024 at 1:07 pm
not intending to turn you down, but 1.5 years is not that long. 🙂 stuff can still change a lot, don’t take it for granted. but congrats for how you’re managing it so far.
@marywiggins7411
June 12, 2024 at 2:54 pm
You are still in early years, that in love glow is predominant yet. I commend you for trying to work through communication.
@Nickname006
June 12, 2024 at 6:47 pm
1.5 years, enough said. But keep it up!
@frannydent9044
June 12, 2024 at 8:47 pm
Try 17 years. With fights. And now we’re married, happily. We grew together through those fights. Vs someone I know who never fights with their partner and they are unhappy.
@TheMrmoc7
June 13, 2024 at 10:35 pm
I married my wife after knowing her for 1 year and living together for 6 months, this is now our 4th year of marriage. I decided to marry her because for me, I could tell pretty quickly if I didn’t think a woman had long-term potential with me and those “relationships (if you can even call it that)” ended very quickly (2 weeks at most). The fact that I was still with her after a year told me everything I needed to know about whether she was marriage worthy for me ( I realize this is pretty fast, but I’m also not like most people). I don’t like to waste time and can be pretty blunt (maybe too blunt) at times. I and my wife probably fight a lot, but we both agreed not to mention the word divorce when we fight, so any fight we have that doesn’t involve the word “divorce,” we both know is not really a bad fight and it is destined to be resolved at some point. Usually there’s no substantive resolution to the issue we fight about, but the fights usually resolve when she asks me to apologize for being a d***, I offer an apology because I’m not a proud man (and do not care for winning/losing an argument since I have more interesting things going on in my life), then she apologizes too, and then we move on (She also appears to have little interest in winning/losing an argument which helps). She still does a lot of things that piss me off but I’ve lowered my expectations accordingly and I no longer initiate fights like I used to. I’ve learned that it is often more time-efficient for me to remedy whatever problem she caused than start a fight over it. I will at times mention to her that I fixed a problem she caused but often I won’t bother. Also I know my wife really loves me and doesn’t like it when we fight so I will often avoid fights for this reason. That was another reason I married her, it was crystal clear to me that she loved me very much, and 4 years later, despite all our fights, her love has not diminished. I will by this man’s book so I can be a better Husband (hopefully).
@DileepaRanawake
June 12, 2024 at 9:24 am
This is amazing and so valuable. Should be taught everywhere. Thanks so much for this talk.
@wildstranger777
June 12, 2024 at 9:47 am
❤
@lukedavis3953
June 12, 2024 at 9:50 am
Legends right here.
@jeffstaples347
June 12, 2024 at 9:55 am
The gottmans.. time to sit and listen
@pennystuck3198
June 12, 2024 at 10:08 am
What are the other four questions
@bbde1980
June 12, 2024 at 10:34 am
I just ❤ the Gottmans. Their work should be mandatory reading for all adults.
@dwaynejones1555
June 12, 2024 at 10:44 am
Active Listening.
@Lolcoca
June 12, 2024 at 11:41 am
Hopefully, I’m not in relationships so don’t have those problems (asexual and aromantic) ! Love SINGLE LIFE 🥰
And so happy vibing alone and with my family 🤍🤍🤍 !
@marywiggins7411
June 12, 2024 at 2:56 pm
You might be just too fearful, and don’t want to grow.
@celestialcircledance
June 13, 2024 at 5:55 am
I’m not dissimilar in my choices but there are always going to be some glasses that are unavoidable such as a parent or sibling and even our own aging processes in which we mourn the loss of ourselves as we once were.
@jpelfrey325
June 12, 2024 at 11:55 am
Why is this a Ted talk? Jordan Peterson has discussed this exact thing in the same way for the last couple of years.. It’s not a new thing… Not being critical, I’m just wondering why it’s presented here on this platform the way it is
@meowcasts
June 12, 2024 at 1:11 pm
ted talks are not about news. they’re inspiring messages and this totally fits.
I sure hope there are others doing this good work. they decided to communicate it through TED to spread the message to people who might not have heard it yet. (or TED heard about them before they heard about the guy you know, or there are other reasons.)
in any case, even repetition helps.
@scienceteam9254
June 12, 2024 at 12:08 pm
Folks, I believe this couple fight all the time, and they went here to justify it.
@ugethagan2328
June 12, 2024 at 12:45 pm
Great talk! Really learned a lot
@churde
June 12, 2024 at 12:53 pm
I feel you gramps, but the trash women social media has produced nowadays are a lost cause….
@DannyMexen9
June 12, 2024 at 1:11 pm
I wish we would fight, because then I’d know that I’m still in love.
@lovewin555
June 12, 2024 at 1:32 pm
❤❤
@emiliog.4432
June 12, 2024 at 1:59 pm
It’s sad that 53% of marriages end in divorce. Is unhappy together better than divorce?
@jasomega2446
June 12, 2024 at 2:57 pm
Thank you.
@twenties3154
June 12, 2024 at 3:01 pm
❤❤❤
@twenties3154
June 12, 2024 at 3:01 pm
Always Love TED ❤
@ChauNguyen-rn9oj
June 12, 2024 at 11:04 pm
Thank you for sharing your knowledge
@jasonmills8592
June 13, 2024 at 11:06 pm
Happiness isn’t a reason to leave, cheat, or get a divorce. Often, it is an ever changing hoop couples use to balance behavior they seek from a partner.
@jasonmills8592
June 13, 2024 at 11:08 pm
Competition against every man alive is unacceptable.
Happiness, like money, often becomes an unfillable cup.
@SharpObserver1A
June 14, 2024 at 10:05 am
No useful content .
@Doxuanthinh
June 14, 2024 at 9:04 pm
Summary:
John and Julie Gottman, relationship experts, argue that fighting in romantic relationships is not inherently bad, but how you fight determines its impact. Their research, spanning over 50 years with 3,000 couples, reveals that the way couples engage in conflict in the first three minutes predicts the future of their relationship. They outline three fighting styles: conflict avoiders, validators, and volatiles, and emphasize that success hinges on a positive-to-negative response ratio of at least 5:1.
Their research identified the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” – criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling – as destructive forces that predict relationship demise. They also highlight “flooding,” a state of feeling overwhelmed and unable to think clearly, and suggest taking breaks and self-soothing as crucial steps.
The Gottmans advocate for “softened startup” as a way to initiate a conflict constructively, using “I” statements to express feelings, situation, and needs. They emphasize the importance of “fighting to understand,” not to win, by exploring the underlying thoughts and feelings behind each partner’s position through “the dreams within conflict” conversation. This helps uncover deeper needs and desires driving the conflict.
Ultimately, they believe that healthy conflict can strengthen relationships by leading to deeper understanding, compromise, and a more loving and fulfilling connection.
Takeaway Points:
Fighting is a natural part of relationships, but the way you fight matters.
A positive-to-negative response ratio of 5:1 is crucial for success.
Avoid the “Four Horsemen” – criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
Recognize and manage “flooding” by taking breaks and self-soothing.
Use “softened startup” to initiate conflict constructively.
Focus on “fighting to understand” rather than winning.
Explore the deeper needs driving conflict to build stronger connections.
Healthy conflict can lead to greater intimacy and stronger relationships.
@TheGuntar
June 15, 2024 at 8:48 am
Decades of marriage have taught me; Don’t fight to win, fight to understand. No hurtful personal attacks, remember you love this person. Get over it and yourself fast, grudges against whom you love are not healthy or good. Don’t be afraid to apologize, even if you understand better what caused the fight, an apology just means you understand why what was said might hurt the one you love. Lastly, don’t destroy who you are or who they are, after all we are two people who are doing the best we can in a tough world.
@deelehey2827
June 15, 2024 at 9:51 am
We don’t fight. We discuss. Been married 46 years.
@SteinerHaus
June 15, 2024 at 2:34 pm
As SWMBO and I are undergoing counseling after 38 years, this is pretty much spot on for me. I sent her the link. Perhaps it will be a basis for dialoging. At least I hope so.
@timcasebeer4808
June 15, 2024 at 2:38 pm
Having recently been separated for two months from my partner of 35 years, this TED talk couldn’t have come at a better time. And at a time when our country is so polarized politically, the insights and conflict resolution techniques described here could be just the ticket to a national reconciliation, two people at a time.
@UnkleBen
June 15, 2024 at 3:37 pm
GUYS: The secret to resolving any conflict while in the home: man stops talking and does the dishes. try it. if things haven’t de-escalated by the time you’re done, clean the bathroom. do not talk about it again for at least 1 day. then let her go first and LISTEN, how she feels about it when she’s not worked up is valid and may enlighten you.
If she’s the type who just will not stop attacking you, go for a long walk, go bowling, go to the library, but GO AWAY from her til she calms down. Do not talk about it until the next day if at all possible.
keep in mind not all conflicts are able to be resolved, and neither of you needs to be “right”, but you can respectfully disagree and come to a compromise TOGETHER.