Science & Technology

What makes a friendship last? | Am I Normal? with Mona Chalabi

Sustaining friendships – and making new friends – can be challenging, even when we know it’s important. So how can we make our friendships last without feeling overwhelmed? And is there a formula to follow for making new ones? To find out, data journalist Mona Chalabi turns to her most trusted sources: data and her…

Published

3 years ago

October 21, 2021

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Transcriber:

I’ve moved about 20 times in my life.

And each time that I move to a new
neighborhood, a new city, a new country,

it seems to get harder and harder
to sustain the friendships I left behind.

But right now,

sustaining those friendships
seems especially important

and especially difficult.

So I’m wondering what is manageable?

How can I keep those friendships afloat
without getting overwhelmed?

[Am I Normal? with Mona Chalabi]

To find out, I turned
to my two most trusted sources:

data and my mum.

Now, since she hates being on camera,

this puppet is going to be
as good as it gets.

But before she weighs in,

I wanted to look at the studies
on how friendships fall apart

in the hopes that I might be able
to avoid some of those pitfalls.

According to one study,

friendships often dissolve
because of a lack of opportunity

to meet, hang out and connect.

Which may explain why,
after a year of isolation,

some of my friendships feel
like they’re hanging on by a thread.

The same researcher made headlines

with the finding that we lose half
of our friendships every seven years.

Now, before you start doomscrolling
through your contact list,

you should know that’s not quite
as severe as it sounds.

Over those seven years,

the size of our friendship group
actually stays pretty stable.

So if you have 20 or 30 good friends now,

seven years later,

you still probably have
20 or 30 good friends.

The catch, though, is that 52 percent
of those faces will be different.

Over seven years,

we will replace many of the people
in our network with new ones.

As someone who has had to work
more and more from home,

the opportunity to go out
and make new friends is pretty limited.

It’s a luxury I don’t often have.

And the research
on the formation of new friends

suggest that this takes time.

A lot of time.

A recent study found

that you have to spend between
40 and 60 hours with someone

before they can go from
an acquaintance to a casual friend.

They get upgraded
to a fully fledged friend

around 80 to 100 hours,

and get elevated to a best friend

after you spend at least 200 hours
of quality time together.

And the emphasis here is on quality time.

You might say “hi”
to a barista every morning

or be polite to a coworker,

but you wouldn’t necessarily invite
either one over for dinner.

I was feeling a little bit daunted
by all of these numbers

until I spoke to my mum,

who has a more optimistic
take on all of this.

“A friendship is essential in your life.

How does friendship start?

The first thing is to know that person.

If you don’t want to know these people,

if you don’t open a window
of communication,

you will never become friends of them.

You have to start.

If you want to be isolated,

you just shut your windows
and look at them,

and they don’t look at you.”

OK, so yes, if I really, really
want to make a new friendship,

I could go out and make the effort
to make a new friend by, say,

knocking on my neighbor’s door,

who plays really good music
a bit too loudly.

But what about my current
group of friends?

Are we all doomed just
because we don’t get the chance

to hang out like we used to?

“I think yes, with the friends,

the distance gets further and further
if you are not meeting them.

But it also shows you the ones

that don’t disappear
because of the time or the distance.

They will be there for you
if you need them.

So the special friends.

And this difficult time
shows you who cares

and who is a good person
or a good friend.”

I think she’s right.

I don’t think there’s a magical formula

or a mythical number of hours to chase.

This just takes time and effort.

So if you’ll excuse me,

I have a good friend that I need to call.

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58 Comments

James Kirk Bogucheski

October 21, 2021 at 4:08 pm

In high school and after it a few years I used to have so many friends that I hung out with daily… My inbox used to be flooded with messages of them checking in to see how I was doing or if I wanted to go hang out and do something. Walking around the ave I would often shake hands or greet a bunch of people I knew, totally by accident…

A bunch of them I guess if I saw them again would still think I was their friend… I only ended on a negative note with very few of them.
I don’t have anything to say though…
It’s like whenever I see them they have something huge going on in their lives, moving up, moving on and I just don’t have anything new to say… Same ol’ thing…

To add to that, online gaming and movie streaming made it unnecessary to go over to someone’s house to play a game. As an adult it’s not very common to go play hide and seek or cops and robbers with the neighborhood kids either.
Adults like to go places, buy things and start projects and stuff…
Idk it’s been a while, but the pandemic made me feel like I wasn’t totally an outcast. It’s what everyone is doing.

Reply
Megan Howard

October 21, 2021 at 4:19 pm

Sims social math IRL

Reply
- Trevor Jennings
  
  October 21, 2021 at 6:25 pm
  
  Hi 👋
  
  Reply
Say No More, Do No More

October 21, 2021 at 4:59 pm

I have like two or three friends. Sort of.
Damn.

Reply
- Trevor Jennings
  
  October 21, 2021 at 6:25 pm
  
  Hello 👋
  
  Reply
- Say No More, Do No More
  
  October 21, 2021 at 6:26 pm
  
  @Trevor Jennings Hi.
  
  Reply
- Trevor Jennings
  
  October 21, 2021 at 7:21 pm
  
  @Say No More, Do No More how are you doing today,hope you’re fine and safe from the COVID19 virus??
  
  Reply
Victor P.

October 21, 2021 at 5:22 pm

No friends

Reply
marie g

October 21, 2021 at 5:23 pm

I lost all of my friends in less than 7 years…

Reply
- Δ.Μ
  
  October 21, 2021 at 6:46 pm
  
  Τhats your own fault
  
  Reply
- The Sudanese Prince
  
  October 21, 2021 at 8:30 pm
  
  @Δ.Μ I think it’s a better idea to ask why they lost their friends rather than to judge without further information. There are reasons a person might lose their friends due to no fault of their own. Do you agree?
  
  Reply
Noah The NSA Agent

October 21, 2021 at 5:34 pm

30 good friends? am i crazy like that’s a lot.

Reply
Nafees Muktadir

October 21, 2021 at 6:11 pm

So what about when we meet a person we sometimes immidietly know he/she will be my friend

Reply
Travis L. Desmadreson

October 21, 2021 at 6:59 pm

A whole lot of nothing! TED, do better.

Reply
K Scott

October 21, 2021 at 7:00 pm

I have 3 very good friends. I have known 2 of them for over 50 years, one for 45 years. Quality over quantity seems to be my motto. *Friends* are people who build a space in your heart and stay there, regardless of where life takes us.
Then there are friendly *aquaintances* … the “social” friends you have a coffee with, “solve world problems” with, have a laugh, exchange small favours, etc.
The long term friends are treasures who seem to appear out of nowhere. The others come & go. If they or I move away, they vow to stay in touch, and most do. For a while.
Don’t get me wrong. … I like people. I enjoy their company. But if asked to choose, it would be a no brainer.

Reply
Mehran Hashmi:motivational speaker

October 21, 2021 at 7:00 pm

*THIS IS ONE OF THE BEST SET OF ADVISE l HAVE EVER READ. ALL MANKIND NEEDS THIS ADVICE!!!*

*1.* _Take risks in your life. If you win, you can lead; if you lose, you can guide._

*2.* _People are not what they say but what they do; so judge them not from their words but from their actions._

*3.* _When someone hurts you, don’t feel bad because it’s a law of nature that the tree that bears the sweetest fruits gets maximum number of stones._

*4.* _Take whatever you can from your life because when life starts taking from you, it takes even your last breath._

*5.* _In this world, people will always throw stones on the path of your success. It depends on what you make from them – a wall or a bridge._

Let’s Motivate me by subscribe I really like 😚😒

Reply
Mehran Hashmi:motivational speaker

October 21, 2021 at 7:01 pm

All dreamers out there keep going this is temporary situation it will pass your success will come be patient never give up just keep moving forward no matter what ✊ ✊ 💪 let’s motivate me😒

Reply
True Crime Queen TV

October 21, 2021 at 7:01 pm

Amazing 💖💖💖

Reply
Electric Coffee(HELLO!!!!)

October 21, 2021 at 7:06 pm

Jesus loves you and he wants to do the nasty with you all night long!

Reply
Jckkkkkk

October 21, 2021 at 7:16 pm

I’m extremely happy with my three pals because even when we meet at least once every three months, our friendship remains as strong as ever T____T <33

Reply
timoonn

October 21, 2021 at 7:21 pm

respect french chips ok

Reply
Robbie

October 21, 2021 at 7:37 pm

Great little video, but 20-30 good friends? I feel like if you put trust in that many people you are delusional.

Reply
Coldmir

October 21, 2021 at 7:41 pm

20 or 30?? i barely have one…

Reply
Sakshi Makkad

October 21, 2021 at 8:08 pm

Will ted like my comment?
Btw i have had a friend for 36 years.she and i love to hang out together,we literally always helped each other from high school break up recoveries to the financial helps.

Reply
Duarte Assunção

October 21, 2021 at 8:42 pm

Thank you so much for that explanation!! It opened my eyes and changed my way of thinking about friends!!

Reply
SARMA

October 21, 2021 at 9:02 pm

make more videos whit her please💓

Reply
John Petan

October 21, 2021 at 11:36 pm

I agree that we all must make effort & time…people are so lazy at communicating or making an effort.

I blame social media, tv streaming apps & gaming as well, because people seem to prefer doing those things, instead of having a real human relationship.

When i was growing up in the 70’s, 80’s & 90’s, we had very good friendships & plenty of time for each other.

But then post 2000, smart phones, social media, streaming tv apps & gaming devices took over.

I know my youngest daughter really struggles with her old friendships & making new friends. She’s only 30 & she’s always telling me that her old friends aren’t available to chat with & making new friends is so difficult because people just want to be in their own bubble & prefer living in a virtual reality world, so to speak, sigh

Very sad

At the same age, i had an abundance of friendships. More than i had time to keep up with, BUT we always planned time for each other every week, fortnight OR month, depending on various factors.

How did it all change so much & go so wrong?

Well I pointed out some of the obvious reasons earlier, do u know any other reasons?

Please let’s start having these conversations in our communities & let’s look at how people had successful friendships pre 2000.

Reply
Philip Damask

October 22, 2021 at 1:00 am

Multiple moving is a major problem for sustaining friendships. Friendships rewuire helping each other out.

Reply
Belly Yi

October 22, 2021 at 1:54 am

When it comes to friends, it’s quality over quantity.

Reply
Luke Walker

October 22, 2021 at 2:34 am

2 predictions for Christmas 🎅. Bitcoin Will be $100k🇺🇸 and Joe Biden will no longer be President. So because of the economic crisis and the rate of unemployment, now is the best time to invest and make money.

Reply
- Stefan Enzo
  
  October 22, 2021 at 2:56 am
  
  If I had not experienced this myself I would have said this is all lies but I’ve made withdrawals few days ago and that’s one thing I find difficult and impossible with other brokers but Mr David muller makes it possible…. It was like magic when I I received my funds
  
  Reply
- Kelvin Mill
  
  October 22, 2021 at 2:57 am
  
  I’m from the Uk 🇬🇧 I and my colleagues gave him a try and it has been good returns of our investment, Thanks Mr muller
  
  Reply
- Nicklaus Sam
  
  October 22, 2021 at 2:58 am
  
  @Kelvin Mill Really y’all know him?, I even thought I’m the only one he has helped walk through the fears and falls of trading
  
  Reply
- Chris White
  
  October 22, 2021 at 2:59 am
  
  Seeing alot of success stories, he must be honest and trustworthy for people to talk this good about him.
  
  Reply
- Mirian Gowda
  
  October 22, 2021 at 3:00 am
  
  When I saw testimonies all over the place I thought it was all made up stories till I was convinced and gave it a try and honestly I don’t regret the move I made because I invested in a big way
  
  Reply
EighteenXVIII

October 22, 2021 at 2:38 am

Friends come and go. Once you accept that, your life gets much easier. Both healthy and sour friendships can be replaced by new ones. That’s a very optimistic message to remember.

Reply
Tarek Z

October 22, 2021 at 5:03 am

I literally have no friends. I have lots of family but no one gets together anymore. I try to get us together but it never happens. Sad really and not sure how to change that

Reply
zzz

October 22, 2021 at 5:23 am

20 to 30 good friends?! HAHAHAHAHA is that NORMAL? I have no good friends, and 5 coworker friends.

Reply
Arantxa Urrutia

October 22, 2021 at 7:14 am

I love Mona, since I was born in Bassano del Grappa.

Reply
PANMEI

October 23, 2021 at 12:44 am

Because of the economic crisis and the rate of unemployment, now is the best time to invest and make money 💯

Reply
- Maria Lissa
  
  October 23, 2021 at 12:55 am
  
  My first Investment with Mr David gave me the assurance that has made me invest without the fear of losing , i got four of my friends involved with him already
  
  Reply
- Jake Maxwell
  
  October 23, 2021 at 12:56 am
  
  I’m from UK 🇬🇧 i and my colleagues gave him a try and it has been good returns of our Investment, thanks Expert David
  
  Reply
- David Viker
  
  October 23, 2021 at 12:56 am
  
  I’ve got 12th winning thanks to Mr David , he’s really the best , I have made £16,200 in 18 days of working with him
  
  Reply
- Cristina Pruitt
  
  October 23, 2021 at 12:57 am
  
  Seeing Alot of success stories, he’s must be honest and trustworthy for people to talk this good about him.
  
  Reply
Olga Шмольга

October 23, 2021 at 12:06 pm

Meh, funny video, but very little “brain” value. Just some common knowledge.

Reply
Trang Le

October 23, 2021 at 1:43 pm

there are some friends that we don’t text or meet frequently, or even once a year but when we meet, we still feel full of friendship.

Reply
Fred Bannister

October 23, 2021 at 2:27 pm

as an autistic person i hugely appreciate the lack of background music, much less overwhelming or distracting. it makes me genuinely enjoy content.

Reply
onigiri

October 23, 2021 at 3:04 pm

Well I hardly make 2 friends every two years and loose 10 friends that I don’t even have

Reply
onigiri

October 23, 2021 at 3:06 pm

I guess when you make tedtalks from home you can be as creative as you want

Reply
Gaby R.

October 23, 2021 at 5:06 pm

Aaand when you got too many guy friends who are just looking for “with benefits” and could turn into romance…

Reply
despairia

October 23, 2021 at 11:49 pm

Ahahaha… *stares at the empty void*

Reply
Avigail Rose

October 24, 2021 at 4:19 pm

I see that you have a lot of multi cultural faces on the Guess Who board… You forgot to add someone wearing a kippah.

Reply
Courtney Coulson

October 25, 2021 at 2:30 am

Geez, TED has really gone downhill.

Reply
Ismail Dawoodjee

October 25, 2021 at 11:54 am

Jokes on you, I have no friends

Reply
Ale Esp

October 25, 2021 at 12:43 pm

I only have about 5 friends and we don’t talk all the time because everyone has their own life. I probably talk to them once a month and see them maybe once every 3 months to once a year 😂

Reply
Kristan Wifler

October 27, 2021 at 7:50 pm

The only way I could ever get anyone to like me was if we were all forced to be in the same room together for some amount of time. I always had a fear of strangers, anxiety disorder, bad immune system, no energy, no social interests, weird humor… and now I am not forced to be around people anymore. I’m even considering getting my meals shipped to my home. I’d like to have a partner, but unless someone barges into my home and squats there, I really doubt I’m ever going to make another friend for the rest of my life.

Reply
Goolag Tube

October 27, 2021 at 10:05 pm

Don’t be friends with the chronically offended, leftist Karens. Easy as.

Reply

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Apple Watch Features To Level Up Your Fitness Routine

Familiarizing yourself with these settings can help you get more out of your workouts. Read more on CNET: For Better, Smarter Workouts, Enable This Apple Watch Feature Apple Watch Series 10 *CNET may get a commission on this offer 0:00 Intro 0:32 Closing Your Move Rings 1:12 Use Heart Rate Zone to Measure Intensity 1:49…

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Familiarizing yourself with these settings can help you get more out of your workouts.

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For Better, Smarter Workouts, Enable This Apple Watch Feature

Apple Watch Series 10
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