People & Blogs
The Problem With Being “Too Nice” at Work | Tessa West | TED
Are you “too nice” at work? Social psychologist Tessa West shares her research on how people attempt to mask anxiety with overly polite feedback — a practice that’s more harmful than helpful — and gives three tips to swap generic, unhelpful observations with clear, consistent feedback, even when you feel awkward. If you love watching…
People & Blogs
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People & Blogs
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@AldersonForOne
May 29, 2024 at 12:07 pm
I feel like maybe half of my niceness in all my life was actually just due to anxiety. I never made that connection before. This was a helpful talk. You did make me realize how my niceness can actually be lazy, patronizing, and most importantly I think, unhelpful. Thanks for the insights 🙂
and ugh, imagining getting called upon on stage randomly made my palms sweaty at home. The poor audience 😅 but you had to do it to them haha. Thank you for sparing them.
(Am I purposely trying to give feedback that doesn’t come off lazy? 😵💫)
@lugaritzbrown2250
May 29, 2024 at 12:18 pm
ANYBODY WHO TELLS OTHERS THAT BEING NICE….is bad…is SHALLOW-MINDED.
@AldersonForOne
May 29, 2024 at 12:21 pm
@@lugaritzbrown2250 I don’t think that’s what the speaker said though
@umwit
May 29, 2024 at 12:08 pm
this was all over the place. not sure about the integrity of placing different races against each other to study anxious niceness?? she said black 😅☝🏽 6:39
@Mediaright
May 29, 2024 at 12:09 pm
Geez, next it’s going to be “Do Junior Employees REALLY Need to Eat? New Research Questions Age-Old Assumptions.”
@rasmusturkka480
May 29, 2024 at 2:21 pm
How about “Paying employees is unethical because it leads to consumerism which hurts the climate, says Harvard Yale MIT climate change scientist expert phd professor”
@arcadiagreen150
May 29, 2024 at 4:02 pm
War is peace
Freedom is slavery
Ignorance is strength
-George Orwell “1984”
@jerrylikethemouse5363
May 29, 2024 at 12:11 pm
Over 16 minutes just to explain why sincerity and direct communication is important? Wow
@lugaritzbrown2250
May 29, 2024 at 12:15 pm
ANYBODY WHO TELLS PEOPLE THAT BEING NICE …is bad…IS SHALLOW-MINDED.
@JungleEd17
May 29, 2024 at 4:15 pm
This is the most ironic comment in all ways. Thanks.
@blurrble5
May 29, 2024 at 12:15 pm
Anxious nice pretty much sums up my whole personality
@monicakochar
May 29, 2024 at 12:24 pm
No idea what she’s talking about
@budweiser600
May 29, 2024 at 12:35 pm
Wut? Being nice is racist, I didn’t it expect it to go there.
@JungleEd17
May 29, 2024 at 4:31 pm
It is when the boss mentor same race employees but tells the minorities “don’t worry, you’re doing a good job”.
I was guilty of this when mentoring three black kids in the inner city. The mom wanted my advice on how to get into a good college. She had her kid playing x-box all day, but I said nothing. Now he’s working at Dunkin Donuts complaining about white customers.
@stewarts2507
May 29, 2024 at 12:36 pm
Interesting topic. The opening intro to the topic she introduces things people can see they can do in as she calls awkward moments, such as moving body, eye direction. She mentions the under the skin automatic responses by our unconscious part of our nervous system, and state that we can’t choose this. Her comment about the automatic response in our body under the skin and with in is a little inaccurate as we can help our unconscious auto response to learn what is useful and desirable for us in each situation. I have been able to do this for me and can help you with this for yourself, creating what is authentic and appropriate for you and your attractions and repulsions in life.
@emiliog.4432
May 29, 2024 at 12:39 pm
Some workplaces, it doesn’t matter how nice you are. They’re sometimes just filled with assholes. If you work with intelligent adults, it makes everyone happier.
@calmness956
May 29, 2024 at 4:34 pm
😂😂sooooooo true 👍
@lambertyoga1087
May 29, 2024 at 1:03 pm
Sounds like she has a fundamental misunderstanding of the difference between “being nice” and “pretending to be nice”. The correct definition of being nice is the highest vibe option from the perspective of the whole. It’s not nice to give kids candy everyday is it? It’s not nice to let people steamroll your ideas when you know your ideas are correct is it? Everyone should aim to be nice. They just don’t know what it means.
The cheatcode to the entire universe is Relax and Be nice…using the correct definition of being nice
@chinchillin6280
May 29, 2024 at 1:07 pm
You know…..first TED talk I wasn’t on board with at all—felt shallow and individualized.
Just putting her “advice” to practice. 🙄
@JungleEd17
May 29, 2024 at 4:21 pm
What do you mean by “individualized”?
For me, the biggest problem was the the studies she cited didn’t seem to be in any kind of order. And the anecdotes made it sound like she figured all this out last week.
@andrewpayette621
May 29, 2024 at 1:10 pm
I’m disappointed no one got on stage to discuss their most recent awkward encounter
@monriatitans
May 29, 2024 at 1:19 pm
Were there any autistic and/or ADHD individuals participating in the studies?
Some of those “stress responses”, not making eye contact, fidgeting, playing with hair, aren’t always stress related.
For ADHD and autism, they’re called “stimming”, which is short for “self stimulatory”, and we do it to maintain our focus.
It doesn’t sound like that was taken into consideration.
@mmdobbs0814
May 30, 2024 at 8:44 am
Yes! as an ADHD’er, I spent most of this video picking at my nails, swinging my chair around, and I forgot I was watching this and walked away twice lol
@youbewb5581
May 29, 2024 at 2:50 pm
So… constructively criticize out loud, but be polite, relatable, understandable, and sincerely useful.
Don’t forget to first make sure it’s even your business to criticize!
@ChrisComstock612
May 29, 2024 at 3:11 pm
This helps
@harrypearle9781
May 29, 2024 at 3:31 pm
BIDEN === DEMOCRATS are not getting good FEEDBACK, and TRUMP is winning!
(I suggest they ask people for honest IDEAS to WIN. This is great advice. TNX
============================================================ TNX MCH
@TheMagicLemur
May 29, 2024 at 3:35 pm
Basically be specific with feedback and not generic platitudes. Sounds like Toastmasters Evaluations 101… yet she made a whole 16 mins of it. 🤯
@arcadiagreen150
May 29, 2024 at 3:40 pm
The irony of this talk happening at Columbia University
@explore-n
May 29, 2024 at 3:52 pm
the case of a whole generation of snowflakes
@arcadiagreen150
May 29, 2024 at 3:56 pm
A person who fakes a smile the entire time talking about this subject seems like a sociopath intent on manipulation
@kevinperez7555
May 29, 2024 at 3:58 pm
Sometimes you have to fake nice when others control your paycheck if you are not. You at least have to know the vibe/ emotional maturity level before you are able to be emotionally honest.
@JungleEd17
May 29, 2024 at 4:17 pm
Any way to speed up the process?
@kevinperez7555
May 29, 2024 at 4:22 pm
@@JungleEd17 By taking small risks. To test what others around you are comfortable with/ react to. All I can say experience wise as I have seen it play out before my eyes. You will eventually get to a point where you CAN basically be honest AF.
@yuriimarshalofficial
May 29, 2024 at 4:06 pm
Let’s talk about modern women promiscuous existence at social networks, maybe we will define all winners at your office with eye contact! Avoiding eye contact is not the problem, it’s natural reaction, if you again have concerns why are they ignored
@dustman96
May 29, 2024 at 9:23 pm
Drives me crazy when my employers don’t give me truthful, straightforward feedback.
@jimbarrofficial
May 29, 2024 at 9:55 pm
They could give this talk more credibility by NOT telling us it was recorded at Columbia.
@rhythmrecall
May 29, 2024 at 10:07 pm
Being too nice is definitely me. This talk was fascinating
@SAELIOSMUSIC
May 30, 2024 at 1:33 am
people are nice? at work?
@quasarulas3968
May 30, 2024 at 3:32 am
I would change the font and get rid of those ghastly serifs but the talk was quite informative overall
@user-gg2hx7su4o
May 30, 2024 at 4:51 am
hey,everybody.I want to strengthen my English listening.Can you give me some advice? It’s hard for me to follow others when they speak English.Thanks
@tomasnorris262
May 30, 2024 at 4:56 am
Is not to be nice, is Just to show respect to other people, always being yourself.
@ymab-styleshoot
May 30, 2024 at 12:45 pm
Me same
@potapotapotapotapotapota
May 30, 2024 at 7:11 am
wish more people could give feedback without being rude about it, I work with a lot of Gordon Ramsays who think the best way to talk to someone is by carrying on like an idiot
@UltimateGattai
May 30, 2024 at 9:41 am
I’m nice, but when things happen at work, I call a spade a spade. We’re not supposed to do that I guess, the managers just look at me like I slapped them in the face.
@ymab-styleshoot
May 30, 2024 at 10:23 am
Me , too nice.
@HyperBart
May 30, 2024 at 1:49 pm
This is the case for Dutch directness. Something I’m known for working in an international environment.
@munchkin0518
May 30, 2024 at 9:40 pm
I’m “too nice” at work because I don’t have the energy for anything else. The purpose of genuine feedback is to help the other person or organization improve — at the risk of offending and hurting your job stability. Not worth it, not in this economy.
@RAC91
May 31, 2024 at 12:07 am
Tedx on Ted 🤨
@Bryanhaproff
May 31, 2024 at 12:47 am
GEN X SAYS : BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH!
@Mi11imani
May 31, 2024 at 4:50 pm
this video is useless. does this presenter realize that the moment you stop being super nice, you lose your job, and most probably – the place you’re renting?
@MikeMcKanna
May 31, 2024 at 7:25 pm
Some people just don’t know how to give feedback effectively so they defer to ‘nice’ rather than show their own ignorance.
@Secret_Takodachi
June 1, 2024 at 6:29 am
Can’t wait for this study to be torn apart and shown to be nothing but data manipulation to push a narrative. 😂 TED is an absolute joke. Y’all have been giving a platform to snakeoil salesmen for years now. How does that “improve the world?” It doesn’t, but it gets you views and really that’s all TED cares about 💩
@James-nv1wf
June 2, 2024 at 11:19 pm
I love answering a dumb question with a dumb answer, to break the tension, unfortunately most disapprove and are only willing to pay for that kind of comedy.
@Muhammad_Cioran
June 3, 2024 at 1:26 am
One of my mistakes during school was being too friendly and helpful. I always try not to repeat those mistakes.
@laurentiuberbecaru1661
June 3, 2024 at 4:41 am
A question for all psychologists: How many times do you lie to yourself daily in your mind and how many times are you aware of it?! …are you aware of the way you react? Probably the first lesson to become a Psychologist would be to know oneself, to perceive consciousness as it is and then to do tests and observations on others. If I go to the Psychologist, the first time they present the payment note, then the problems. This denotes a total lack of consciousness, first of all, he should know what money is and what it is used for on a mental level in the human mind…but he doesn’t. Its not in manual !
@davibaby89
June 3, 2024 at 1:55 pm
This is so powerful. As a black person working in hospitality since I was 12, moving to NYC from the South, trying to explain nicety differences even among the smartest people I know as native New Yorkers (elite) or people that went to grad school or operate in six figure jobs, regardless of race, class, etc. Almost all of them have no real responses to these tough questions and it makes me extremely disengaged to stay in NYC.