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The keys to a great conversation | Celeste Headlee

Watch the full talk: A clip from Celeste Headlee’s TED Talk “10 ways to have a better conversation” from TEDxCreativeCoast 2015 When your job hinges on how well you talk to people, you learn a lot about how to have conversations — and that most of us don’t converse very well. Celeste Headlee has worked…

Published

3 years ago

May 7, 2021

CYBER TECH TV

Watch the full talk:

A clip from Celeste Headlee’s TED Talk “10 ways to have a better conversation” from TEDxCreativeCoast 2015

When your job hinges on how well you talk to people, you learn a lot about how to have conversations — and that most of us don’t converse very well. Celeste Headlee has worked as a radio host for decades, and she knows the ingredients of a great conversation: Honesty, brevity, clarity and a healthy amount of listening. In this insightful talk, she shares useful rules for having better conversations.

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Now, I make my living talking to people.

Nobel Prize winners, truck drivers, billionaires,

kindergarten teachers, heads of state, plumbers.

I talk to people that I like.

I talk to people that I don’t like.

I talk to some people that I disagree with
deeply on a personal level.

But I still have a great conversation with
them.

So I have 10 basic rules.

I’m going to walk you through all of them,
but honestly,

if you just choose one of them and master
it,

you’ll already enjoy better conversations.

Number one: Don’t multitask.

And I don’t mean just set down your cell phone
or your tablet

or your car keys or whatever is in your hand.

I mean be present.

Be in that moment.

Number two: Don’t pontificate.

If you want to state your opinion without
any opportunity

for response or argument or pushback or growth,

write a blog.

Number three: Use open-ended questions.

Start your questions with who, what, where,
when, why or how.

If I ask you, “Were you terrified?”

you’re going to respond to the most powerful
word

in that sentence, which is “terrified,”

and the answer is, “Yes, I was,” or “No, I
wasn’t.”

Try asking them things like, “What was that
like?”

“How did that feel?”

Because then they might have to stop for a
moment

and think about it,

and you’re going to get a much more interesting
response.

Number four: Go with the flow.

That means thoughts will come into your mind

and you need to let them go out of your mind.

Number five: If you don’t know, say that you
don’t know.

Err on the side of caution.

Talk should not be cheap.

Number six: Don’t equate your experience with
theirs.

It’s not the same.

It is never the same.

All experiences are individual.

And, more importantly, it is not about you.

Conversations are not a promotional opportunity.

Number seven: Try not to repeat yourself.

It’s condescending, and it’s really boring,
and we tend to do it a lot.

Number eight: Stay out of the weeds.

Frankly, people don’t care about the years,
the names, the dates,

all those details that you’re struggling to
come up with in your mind.

They don t care.

What they care about is you.

Number nine: This is not the last one,

but it is the most important one.

Listen.

Buddha said, and I’m paraphrasing,

“If your mouth is open, you’re not learning.”

It takes effort and energy to actually pay
attention to someone,

but if you can’t do that, you’re not in a
conversation.

You’re just two people shouting out barely
related sentences

in the same place.

One more rule, number 10, and it’s this one:

Be brief.

All of this boils down to the same basic concept,
and it is this one:

Be interested in other people.

I keep my mouth shut as often as I possibly
can,

I keep my mind open, and I’m always prepared
to be amazed,

and I’m never disappointed.

You do the same thing.

Go out, talk to people, listen to people,
and most importantly,

be prepared to be amazed.

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76 Comments

Courtney Simz

May 7, 2021 at 4:07 pm

Love this!

Reply
al-shaimaa ibrahim

May 7, 2021 at 4:19 pm

Thanks a lot
Useful thoughts 💜

Reply
Austin Williams

May 7, 2021 at 4:34 pm

I’m going focus on being brief.

Reply
- Remy Lebeau
  
  May 7, 2021 at 7:17 pm
  
  And skipping words.
  
  Reply
tfortube

May 7, 2021 at 4:39 pm

I am ready to listen but the other person is an introvert. Conversation = 0

Reply
Amber maillet

May 7, 2021 at 4:40 pm

Great suggestions!

Reply
Josh Rauch

May 7, 2021 at 4:50 pm

This is the most SAVAGE ted I’ve ever heard.

Reply
- God Bear
  
  May 7, 2021 at 5:13 pm
  
  How so
  
  Reply
- Josh Rauch
  
  May 7, 2021 at 6:55 pm
  
  @God Bear I had a recent disagreement, and I was hard-pressed to see my error. I was pontificating. So when she spoke it, I felt attacked.
  
  Reply
NazAr

May 7, 2021 at 4:52 pm

Go with the flow, be brief, this is really helpful

Reply
Makakmayum Amir Sidik

May 7, 2021 at 5:00 pm

I would disagree with her for point no. 3.
The tip is:
Don’t start with open ended questions.
Start with closed ended questions which are just one word answers. Then go with the flow towards open ended questions which are not just one word answers.

Reply
Gretchen Sauer

May 7, 2021 at 5:12 pm

Short and straight to the point. Honestly I wished more TED talks were like that.

Reply
- Nikita
  
  May 7, 2021 at 7:56 pm
  
  true
  
  Reply
- Arez Pirveceani
  
  May 8, 2021 at 12:24 am
  
  I think this is just a summary and I remember seeing the full version ages ago. Tbh I’d prefer when they’re this short instead of putting the videos in 2x
  
  Reply
Screamifyoumeanit

May 7, 2021 at 5:38 pm

“If your mouth is open, you’re not learning” 🙂

Reply
Bala Chandran

May 7, 2021 at 5:49 pm

I watched Celeste when the video first came out. I teared and I learnt.

Reply
End Of Innocence

May 7, 2021 at 5:49 pm

How is this a TED talk?

Reply
QuietCastle

May 7, 2021 at 6:05 pm

One of the best Ted talks I’ve seen on here. Now if we could only get everyone in our country to follow these tips, our country would be in MUCH better shape.

Reply
Nat D

May 7, 2021 at 6:19 pm

Too bad I didn’t hear this video 15 years ago. Well, never late then never. Gloria Steinem said, “Talk as much as you listen and listen as much as you talk.” That was the best advice I heard.

Reply
Dillbeet

May 7, 2021 at 6:30 pm

I watched her before. Is this new ted content or a reupload?

Reply
kebakent

May 7, 2021 at 6:48 pm

I’d add: Know which conversations to avoid.

If you are the only voice of reason in an echo chamber, odds are you’ll get attacked or disrespected if you open your mouth. That is true when your collegues discuss how stupid the former president of the US is, even though they couldn’t mention a single policy he enacted, or in most comment sections on reddit, where pretty much everyone are far lefties. Walk away, and let sleeping dogs lie. You can’t fix stupid.

Reply
cloudpoint

May 7, 2021 at 6:54 pm

I care about the years, the names, the dates. I need these to fact-check what I’m being told. Otherwise people just “gaslight” me about anything important.

Reply
- Kevin Samuel
  
  May 7, 2021 at 6:56 pm
  
  *Thanks for your feedback, stock market has kept many on suspense from My prospective. I’ll advise you investing in cryptocurrency is a wise choice. Regarding making millions profit in it, For more guidance.* .W..H..A..T..S..A..P..P.
  +=1=6=1=4=9=1=8=0=2=6=5..
  
  Reply
- queen of the gas station
  
  May 8, 2021 at 3:30 am
  
  wtf
  
  Reply
- cloudpoint
  
  May 8, 2021 at 3:36 am
  
  @queen of the gas station
  Some of us don’t want noise, we want truth. I understand your opposition since a gas station is a primary source of fuel for gaslighting.
  
  Reply
Alyrii

May 7, 2021 at 7:08 pm

Honestly it’s been a damn minute since I’ve seen a solid ted talk that wasn’t just political nonsense, this is a breath of air.

Reply
Remy Lebeau

May 7, 2021 at 7:19 pm

I’m more interested in free speech that is not hampered by evil YT’s censorship system.

Reply
Dewyu Nohmi

May 7, 2021 at 7:30 pm

“If your mouth is open you’re not learning.”

Sounds a tad bit offensive/rude… but it’s true.

You can’t focus when you’re talking.

Don’t believe me?

Try playing your favorite game while having someone talk to you the whole time — influencing you to talk back, see how your strategies play out.

Daniel Kahneman talks about something like this in his book and youtube video: *Thinking Fast and Slow*

Reply
DEEPANSHU OP

May 7, 2021 at 8:05 pm

All she wanted to say is
“Be like the dwarf lanister from ‘Game Of Thrones’…”

Reply
- Andrew Hooton
  
  May 8, 2021 at 12:05 am
  
  Tyrion
  
  Reply
Luis Pupo

May 7, 2021 at 8:15 pm

how do i politely send this to someone who desperately needs it

Reply
Harvey Jackson

May 7, 2021 at 9:33 pm

Fluff.

Reply
Alice

May 7, 2021 at 11:13 pm

Can someone explain what she means by “err on the side of caution, talk is not cheap” in regard to the say you don’t know point?

Reply
Ashutosh Rai

May 8, 2021 at 5:12 am

Hey listen, you gotta Listen. That’s where you find your power.

Reply
LAID ABDOUS

May 8, 2021 at 5:50 am

In the name of Allah, the Compassionate, the Merciful
1. Say, “He is Allah, the One.
2. Allah, the Eternal.
3. He begets not, nor was He begotten.
4. And there is none comparable to Him.”

Reply
Weseyel Lhundup

May 8, 2021 at 6:14 am

Simply great!

Reply
Prasad Birajdar

May 8, 2021 at 6:42 am

Six Year ago.. She told us how to have a good conversation.. Now she tells us how to have a great conversation.. well, quite an improvement!

Reply
- Prasad Birajdar
  
  May 8, 2021 at 6:47 am
  
  Oh Wait! It’s the same video summarised!! They actually listened to her ‘Be Brief’!
  
  Reply
Prasad Birajdar

May 8, 2021 at 6:44 am

Does this work on Tinder too?

Reply
Grace And Love

May 8, 2021 at 7:11 am

Good chat!

Reply
sourav agrawal

May 8, 2021 at 9:29 am

Most people Are close minded and can not accept new facts which contradicts their previous thoughts

Reply
Ben Rivera

May 8, 2021 at 12:29 pm

As a young adult, unfortunately this video is much more needed for me then I’d like to admit.

Reply
- Claire Cadoux
  
  May 8, 2021 at 4:23 pm
  
  Ben, you are most fortunate. You know now for your life ahead.
  
  I am 66, I assure you, many/lots/most, do not converse well at all. They go to their graves, often, isolated, angry, depressed.
  
  You can lead the way now.
  
  Reply
Sally CD

May 8, 2021 at 2:21 pm

The summary of my absolute Favorite Ted talk ever! Still holds up till this day.

Reply
Sally CD

May 8, 2021 at 2:21 pm

The summary of my absolute Favorite Ted talk ever! Still holds up to this day.

Reply
Asha Gairola Gairola

May 8, 2021 at 3:43 pm

I goona make a million people hate me after learning this
so useful for me

Reply
Avery Milieu

May 8, 2021 at 3:47 pm

Being nearly deaf, I don’t have conversations anymore. They don’t come with closed captions. I prefer text and at this point my verbal interactions with people are limited to exchanging essential information (masks hinder communication, by the way) and getting out of the situation that requires it as fast as possible to limit the frustration and disappointment that I always seem to feel when I’m going through the process.
Thanks for your closed captioning, by the way.

Reply
Angela Ukemenam

May 8, 2021 at 4:04 pm

This has added up to one of the best TEDx Talks I have listened to!

Reply
Angela Ukemenam

May 8, 2021 at 4:06 pm

I watched this amazing speech twice!

Reply
SheenaThakur

May 8, 2021 at 4:59 pm

I hate how she says, “Noble Prize winners, truck drivers, billionaires, kindergarten teachers, Heads of State, plumbers” as if she’s using one to juxtapose the other

Reply
gelgiz

May 8, 2021 at 5:15 pm

I listen to her original Ted talk maybe I would say 3 to 4 times a year. Her original Ted talk was very informative and powerful, and one of my favorite Ted talk ever. I recommend for everyone to check out her original Ted talk.

Reply
Darren Denton

May 8, 2021 at 5:41 pm

Ms Headlee,
Thank you for this TED TALKS! Having a conversation with someone is something I have struggled with my whole life (I’ll be 52 years old soon)!
Great topic and some VERY valuable insights!

Best regards!

Reply
0 0

May 9, 2021 at 4:30 am

Talk is always cheap.
If u want amazing, you might be let down. Bring those expectations way down to earth like always learn something or understand someone more from each interaction.

Reply
Sourav Thukral

May 9, 2021 at 4:37 am

I started a conversation with a person who had watched this.. And we end up with only one line hi how r u i m fine.

Reply
Shami Ansari

May 9, 2021 at 5:48 am

This is what all NEET needs !

Reply
- Bharti Rathor
  
  May 9, 2021 at 6:39 am
  
  Yay
  
  Reply
Shivay Garg

May 9, 2021 at 2:06 pm

Beautiful one! This deserves a elaborated version.

Reply
Bomez Gomez

May 9, 2021 at 6:17 pm

It’s done

Reply
Bomez Gomez

May 9, 2021 at 6:21 pm

Luks like velocipitbuw you bobsled also that form of talk ims

Reply
Worth It Candy

May 9, 2021 at 7:08 pm

Excellent presentation in which Americans like myself who doesn’t recognize America anymore. I wish everyone would see this and take notes because actions have consequences, and we need to heal. Conversation leads to less hate, violence, mental illness, etc. The proper discussion will get America back on the road to recovery.

Reply
Kevin Wells

May 10, 2021 at 9:52 am

That was inspiring. Sometimes I’m amazed by ignorance… but I appreciate the true meaning of that word. It is not meant to be a slander against anyone, it’s simply an observation that someone is discussing a position that they can not possibly understand, And, you make me realize, that ignorance could be mine. Thank you for that!

Reply
not NOT

May 10, 2021 at 11:07 am

These series is better shot easy to remember

Reply
Chirag Rachhoya

May 10, 2021 at 4:22 pm

Best part of YouTube.😊

Reply
Tô Nguyễn Cường

May 11, 2021 at 4:31 am

thank you for this one <33

Reply
Azita Asgari

May 11, 2021 at 10:11 am

Excellent..

Reply
Fire Starter

May 11, 2021 at 6:09 pm

Go with the flow is a big one. The urge to say something that is in your head even when the conversation is moving on makes no sense. I try to let these thoughts go now.

Reply
Stevie-Ray

May 12, 2021 at 3:16 am

Thank you Celeste!

Reply
Neil Marsden

May 12, 2021 at 5:19 am

Can we not enjoy the crash of dopamine too….you talk as if everyone dosnt like it ?
I don’t think you have listened to everyone…

Reply
Brando B

May 12, 2021 at 5:40 am

good throwback

Reply
Assasin

May 14, 2021 at 12:57 pm

She looks like Magnus carlsen if he was a little bit chubby adn was a female

Edit: Nevermind

Reply
Federico Jimbo Smithson

May 17, 2021 at 7:26 am

Serious question… did you put this to the test the extreme stupid, douchy persons?

Reply
Vugen18

May 20, 2021 at 11:30 am

I thought this was basic understanding of communication.. she seems a little too happy to share “her” knowledge of this. Like she revolutionized this subject

Reply
Ann Hillman Lamy

May 20, 2021 at 1:54 pm

WHO could give this a thumbs down? WHY would anyone do that? GREAT POINTS and so important are convo skills . . . not only because the convos can teach and awe us . . . but because THAT is precisely how we connect AND stay connected with one another!!!

Reply
Ann Hillman “Ann Lanier” Lamy

May 20, 2021 at 1:54 pm

WHO could give this a thumbs down? WHY would anyone do that? GREAT POINTS and so important are convo skills . . . not only because the convos can teach and awe us . . . but because THAT is precisely how we connect AND stay connected with one another!!!

Reply
Lisa Palmer

June 13, 2021 at 11:35 am

Great tips

Reply
Orfeas Agis Karachalios

June 26, 2021 at 12:04 pm

I think she is good at conversation mostly because she is a very positive person.

Reply

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