Yvonne Newbold’s son, Toby, is one of the millions of young people living with a disability. Parenting Toby has offered her some lessons on how to help children move from anxiety-led behavior towards happier times. Drawing on her personal experience, she outlines some of the most effective and actionable of these strategies — starting with a dash of curiosity, kindness and creative thinking.
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Ive art Ed
August 21, 2023 at 12:24 pm
😎❤👍
Unseenmonument
August 21, 2023 at 12:28 pm
5th comment, 549th view. Placed down only to be washed away by the sands on time.
Move along, move along.
Sweet River
August 21, 2023 at 12:29 pm
I mean this in the best absolute way, because I lost my grandmother when I was young. But she was so dear to me, and this feels like advice she would give me… she was a mother of 6 turned into a preschool teacher.
Chea Pidol
August 21, 2023 at 12:30 pm
❤
Suny12
August 21, 2023 at 12:31 pm
After 10 years the Child grew Up … nothing what she did propably.
World Recipe of Life
August 21, 2023 at 12:34 pm
You need to change the title to “Toby”
janina vigurs
August 21, 2023 at 1:00 pm
Thing is, there are millions of children like Toby, and parents going through exactly what Yvonne did. This is bigger than him, but he was the catalyst.
World Recipe of Life
August 21, 2023 at 2:33 pm
@janina vigurs thing is, there are BILLIONS of children unlike Toby
janina vigurs
August 21, 2023 at 2:49 pm
@World Recipe of Life Yes. I’m not sure I understand what you’re implying but I wish you well.
Juliana Debos
August 21, 2023 at 12:40 pm
Mums are incredible beings. This mum is such a genius. Her ability to embrace her obstacles and infuse them with love and compassion is beyond my understanding. Thank you for your lecture, for your effort, for your experimental parenting approach. Only a mum knows better what her son really needs. You inspire me to be a better and more patient mum.
NPC #76
August 21, 2023 at 1:36 pm
yep. massive respect to all the great mothers
creative source
August 21, 2023 at 3:25 pm
Total utter bollox. Some Mums are incredible. Some Mums are utterly useless. Equally some Dad’s are incredible and some are not worth the oxygen they breath.
Mums and Dads are equally important to a child’s development.
R Miller
August 21, 2023 at 12:41 pm
Harumpf.
janina vigurs
August 21, 2023 at 1:01 pm
Good grief this is phenomenal. What a power talk. Thank you TED.
Miguel Suarez-Solis
August 21, 2023 at 1:22 pm
Toby is not like all other kids… you can’t parent autistic kids the same as other kids, and you can’t parent other kids like you parent autistic kids.
This is not good advice for regular kids.
ronold cross
August 21, 2023 at 1:23 pm
This goes out to so much else. Change yourself if you wish to “change” others. When you give yourself, you are able to enable others positively.
Excellent talt.
Hiatsu2k8
August 21, 2023 at 1:32 pm
It’s challenging for sure. The problem is a lot of parents don’t discipline their children and it gets out of hand so of course people would assume this.
justrosy5
August 21, 2023 at 4:18 pm
“Getting out of hand” is a *normal part of childhood.* Putting children in proverbial straight jackets is wrong – period.
XerosXIII
August 21, 2023 at 1:33 pm
Yvonne’s journey of self-acceptance and compassion are incredible! 🙏
NPC #76
August 21, 2023 at 1:37 pm
i look at some mothers and think you know what, they only went with the biological urge and have no parenting skills at all. the science on parenting is solid its just we have alot of ignorant parents.
at the ages of 12 i taught my littlen to debate me in good faith instead of “do as i say dont do as i do”, and guess what… shese now top of her class in nearly everything… cause they need mental stimulation.
Andrew Harpin
August 21, 2023 at 2:12 pm
One of my favourite quotes: “Those who judge, don’t understand. Those who understand, don’t judge!” – Mark Twain
janina vigurs
August 21, 2023 at 3:06 pm
Absolutely this. THANK you!!
Ajayi Babajide Olushola
August 25, 2023 at 4:57 pm
Absolutely
Krunoslav Stifter
August 21, 2023 at 2:47 pm
No, you need the discipline. Feminist compassion is what we had since the 1960’s and its a disaster. What is missing is temperament of the fatherly discipline with motherly compassion and love, not more compassion, that is how we got into this mess in the first place.
Zeno of Caledonia
August 21, 2023 at 2:50 pm
Sweet woman. Big heart
Brenda Taylor
August 21, 2023 at 3:14 pm
Thank you for sharing this! I REALLY enjoyed it.
Frances Bernard
August 21, 2023 at 3:35 pm
I can relate to resorting to wild and wacky methods of parenting sometimes too. There are limits as to how far having a healthy curiosity in us moms will go in helping to maintain good behavior in all the people around us including small children some of whom have a disability. Like when alone me spending way too much time online offering my own opinion to people many of whom might be offenced by it while hoping that somehow in a round about way it would help to protect my own offspring. Long after for example being confrronted by having to be aware of 2 grown men sitting in front of the T.V. in our living room sometimes who were watching the news after work to cheer while seeing signs of rockets flying in the air with muted sounds of bombs going off during the Gulf war. Later for one of them to congratulate one of his sons for according to him ‘becoming’ a man at boot camp to maybe later getting some of his limbs blown off too next in Afghanistan during the next century too. Nothing about that sort of thing made sense during the 1990’s back then and during the earliest part of this century as well to me while I was being expected always to never be judge while being regarded as only an outsider always there. An outsider.only because I had according to them a human being weaker and more prone to be possessed by the demonic mind only because I am female. Now I am worrying again while my grandsons are getting closer to that same tender age when maybe being congratulated too next for going to ‘become’ men in boot camp too.
Trieviette78
August 21, 2023 at 3:35 pm
I absolutely relate on so many levels 😢 My 8yr old son’s name is Tory, who is also autistic.
tom well
August 26, 2023 at 2:21 am
I am sorry for that and i think u are a great mother！
Trieviette78
August 26, 2023 at 8:48 am
@tom well 🥹🥲🫂Thank you Tom!🙏🏾My heart tripled in size.💗 We all need unconditional love and supportive understanding, you too! You’re a wonderful person, with a beautiful heart. Much love to you.🙌🏾💜💐
Design thinker
August 21, 2023 at 3:52 pm
❤❤❤
Olorin Elior
August 21, 2023 at 6:00 pm
why was this reposted
janina vigurs
August 21, 2023 at 8:34 pm
This was originally a TEDex talk, but has done so well, TED chose to platform it on their main channel.
GymLeader Jake
August 21, 2023 at 7:00 pm
The harsh reality is that we only have so many hours on this earth. For me, it would be unfair to my other children and society that I spent so much time on a low functioning child. It would be much better to end their lives so that I can spend time on more important things and people.
L.A.R.S
August 21, 2023 at 7:21 pm
First day watching TED Talk!
Lynette Hannan
August 21, 2023 at 7:58 pm
My eldest daughter had trouble all through Primary school. The teachers ostracized her, the other students did the same. The teachers blamed our parenting, yet we didn’t have a problem at home. The problems were all at school. By grade 5, she was stealing steak knives from the kitchen, she was physically lashing out at whomever was closest to her at school, her grades were so poor that hubby and I wanted her kept down a year. The very second we asked that, you could see the panic in their faces (I can look back now and laugh at their ineptitude) and they flatly refused. They also flatly refused to have her tested saying “it’s behaviour related” – I replied “of course it is – behaviour is a cry for help which you’re refusing to give”. We started her in counseling, and testing piecemeal as we could afford it. I was called in on an almost monthly basis due to their lack of ability/reasonability.
She witnessed me fighting on her behalf at these tortuous meetings, she could see that I had her back, even though I was just as blind as her teachers were. She started secondary school with an attitude of a fresh start, and I had initiated an interview with them (7 were there!) beforehand to explain her problems as I saw them and what I’d done to try to help her. She started year 7 being 3 years behind her so-called peers in both Maths and English and at least a year behind in everything else. Year 8 saw her diagnosed with Asperger’s, it listed her strengths and weaknesses and gave us a set of parameters to work within. But the teachers here were already doing wonders with her (they’d really listened to me at my initial interview with them!!!). They took my suggestions on helping her to deescalate and gave me some as well!
Her Maths teacher was very calming and laid back – she had him for three years straight!!! I was able to help her with English at home without “giving it away or steering her too much”. I had an excellent rapport with her teachers, with a lot of email conversations of “AHA!” moments both at home and at school! In year 7, I did get a few phone calls to inform me that she’d had a trying day and may come home upset, so I was able to sit with her and talk things out. My main mode of conduct was to ask her what reasons caused people to behave in different ways. This led to an understanding that the teacher has a duty of care towards all of their students, and if she was getting violent and refusing to calm down the teacher would evacuate the classroom to protect the other students FROM HER. This was constructive in teaching her that her behaviours were impacting the classroom as a whole. I hammered it home that she really needed to ask questions when she didn’t understand something, and to keep asking over and over until the teacher was able to “get it as to why you you aren’t getting it”. THEN she wouldn’t get so worked up that she became violent. I understood the violence came from the first 7 years of educational neglect – but the teachers and certainly the other students didn’t – and in that, she was being very unfair with them. I insisted we work on a little letter explaining this issue to her full class to appologise for her behaviour for the next day. She gave the letter to her teacher, who was so impressed that she asked her to read it out to the class – which she did. When she finished, she was swamped with hugs from several of her classmates for the first time in her life! She’s a “hug-a-holic” at home!
In year 8, I was helping with some Maths homework when I discovered that she didn’t know that “FOUR” meant “4”, so her teacher was very appreciative of that email! By year 9, my daughter had caught up to her peers in all areas! She did 6 years of Maths in 3 years! In year 10 she did a higher grade of Maths than I did at the same level, she surpassed me!!! I am so proud of her! She has never been afraid of the work – rather, she was afraid of not understanding what was asked of her.
I would take at least an hour at home with her to go through an English question and break it down to about grade 3 level for her and go through every word she couldn’t explain to me with a dictionary. We would reword that paragraph into her own words so she could understand it. She would then tell me what the question was asking of her and I would then walk away to let her work on it alone. I would then go back after half an hour and look over her work. Her main problem now, was stretching out her work (as you can see from my “written diarrhea” here, I have no problem here!), so I helped and prompted her to turn each usually four word statement into a full paragraph. Then we worked on linking them together cohesively into an essay. She always had control of what she wanted to say regardless of my thoughts – sometimes I told her my thoughts to help add context, but it was essentially her work. I was only able to help her like this because I was a stay-at-home Mum (and carer to a disabled gent that lived with us).
There were still times where she was late submitting things, life did get in the way, but we did get there in the end! She is now doing Uni part-time (accountancy) and working part-time!
janina vigurs
August 21, 2023 at 8:38 pm
Oh my, thank you so much for sharing your daughter’s story. Stunning. She’s flying thanks to you.
Shawna Burt
August 21, 2023 at 10:12 pm
Ugh, just keep your kids under control in shared public spaces! It’s not that hard!
Daniel
August 22, 2023 at 10:41 am
Bro wtf…
Rachna knowledge hub
August 21, 2023 at 11:45 pm
Very very very very very very very very very very very nice 👍🏻 🎉🎉🎉❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤😊😊😅😅🎉❤
Zak W
August 22, 2023 at 5:35 am
If people looking at you because your kids are screaming and it makes you feel crushed and depressed, then you are a weak human being. Disregard the immorality of having kids today, but if you choose to make such a poor decision I’m going to stare.
Daniel
August 22, 2023 at 10:41 am
Or most probably it’s the others who are weak and lack empathy. Just saying 😌
Dan C
August 24, 2023 at 1:35 pm
Exactly@Daniel
This is James Randi
August 22, 2023 at 5:51 am
Sordid hord, but James was here 🥲
HakuCell
August 22, 2023 at 6:58 am
i would like to know what she has to say, but the video is way too long for me 🙁
Christine H
August 22, 2023 at 8:18 am
In a way Toby is lucky, when the world is against him his mum’s unconditional love is his only protection. I am so happy they went through hardship and comes out from a better end, and is now showing compassion and offering practical help to those in need. Amazing story, thank you Yvonne!
Ricky Iguana
August 22, 2023 at 1:06 pm
I love her strength and transparency. The healthcare systems seems, in my opinion, to want to keep people anxious and stressed. The parents need to be appreciated for seeking help, but then the help which is often received is a cause of more anxiety sometimes. What’s helped my family and myself is learning that anxiety is essentially our fight-flight-or-freeze survival response gone wrong…but it’s not our fault, it’s been a survival response passed down through generations and through society. What’s been helpful is correcting the survival response to not take rogue anxious thoughts and worries as too serious. Mindfulness meditation helps. We went through the book “30 Days to Reduce Anxiety” by Harper Daniels together and that helped, and then we practiced other things together like exercise and walks and enjoying cooking. To correct the anxiety response passed down from generations takes time and a lot of intentional effort. It’s possible 🙂
Daniipnt
August 22, 2023 at 3:04 pm
Only Wixpool offers good returns from investments in DEX platforms on reliable networks like Bitcoin. And I dont see the point of working with risky assets…
Jawn Explores
August 22, 2023 at 5:08 pm
Well done Yvonne. You achieved a serious note of understanding, and have inspired me with a love to be more compassionate and understanding.
Darkk Renaissance
August 23, 2023 at 12:29 am
This brought deeply held tears to mine eyes
250Lit
August 23, 2023 at 12:57 am
Go to therapy for your kids. Sounds like this old lady was the problem.
Akash Vora
August 23, 2023 at 3:19 am
Toby Tell your mommy she’s OG in Fighting Anxiety
Mr Xoxo69
August 23, 2023 at 6:57 am
😔🥹
Zarifjon Sherqoziyev
August 23, 2023 at 12:56 pm
I LOVE YOU ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤ @Ted talks
Vitadusha Geheimnis
August 23, 2023 at 1:31 pm
Yvonne ❤ cheers to Helen n doc. Ppl need to b kind to kids. Lots of energy n love n support to u n toby
aguaviva
August 26, 2023 at 1:11 pm
if everybody was judging you, maybe they were right
RS
August 26, 2023 at 5:52 pm
This woman is a hero.