Science & Technology

How long does it take to get over a breakup? | Am I Normal? with Mona Chalabi

We know how long it takes to heal from broken bones, injuries and ailments, but what about a broken heart? The answer, like relationships, is a little complicated. In this episode of Am I Normal?, Mona investigates different strategies for falling out of love with the help of a couples therapist, and unveils the research…

Published

on

We know how long it takes to heal from broken bones, injuries and ailments, but what about a broken heart? The answer, like relationships, is a little complicated. In this episode of Am I Normal?, Mona investigates different strategies for falling out of love with the help of a couples therapist, and unveils the research on how long it takes to get over a breakup.

Want to hear more from Mona? Follow Am I Normal? on Apple Podcasts:

Visit to get our entire library of TED Talks, transcripts, translations, personalized talk recommendations and more.

The TED Talks channel features the best talks and performances from the TED Conference, where the world’s leading thinkers and doers give the talk of their lives in 18 minutes (or less). Look for talks on Technology, Entertainment and Design — plus science, business, global issues, the arts and more. You’re welcome to link to or embed these videos, forward them to others and share these ideas with people you know.

Become a TED Member:
Follow TED on Twitter:
Like TED on Facebook:
Subscribe to our channel:

TED’s videos may be used for non-commercial purposes under a Creative Commons License, Attribution–Non Commercial–No Derivatives (or the CC BY – NC – ND 4.0 International) and in accordance with our TED Talks Usage Policy (). For more information on using TED for commercial purposes (e.g. employee learning, in a film or online course), please submit a Media Request at

Transcriber:

How long does it take
to get over a breakup?

The good news is
I’ve done the research for you.

The bad news is that you
might not like the answer.

[Am I Normal? with Mona Chalabi]

See, a few years back,

a number of publications
were touting a study

telling their readers that it takes
11 weeks to get over a breakup.

That’s nearly three months spent
listening to depressing music

while putting on a brave face.

It might feel longer than it is,

but it’s only a few swipes
on the calendar app.

No big deal, right?

Well, unfortunately,
it’s not so straightforward.

See, those articles drastically
misrepresented that study.

In fact, the study never said anything

about how long it takes
to get over a breakup.

It only focused on the aftereffects
of ending a relationship,

specifically among undergrads,

which is a whole other can of worms.

To really answer that question

of how long it takes
to get over a breakup,

you would need to do a longitudinal study,

a study that would basically
follow a ton of people

from the moment of their breakup

and track their progress
year after year after year.

But studies like that are expensive
and complicated to carry out.

So with no adequate data,

I decided to seek professional help.

I went to couples therapists,
Dr. Hod Tamir.

He has anecdotal experience
with countless people in relationships

and, full disclosure,
he was my couple’s therapist, too.

So I asked him how long he thinks
it takes to get over a breakup.

“I don’t think there is a magic number …

If we feel like we can express ourselves
in how we’re feeling,

we don’t have to keep it bottled up.

Once you’re doing other things

that you’re engaged with
and distracted by,

then at some point you look back and like,
‘Oh yeah, that’s my ex.’

And you notice that the feelings
that you have are not as raw.

You can bump into each other
and not feel pain.”

And the data supports Dr. Tamir’s theory.

One study looked at different strategies
for love regulation.

In other words, can a few simple methods
change how much you love someone?

The study found that when participants
were distracted into thinking

about something other than their ex,

like, their favorite hobby
or ideal career,

their love feelings for their ex
stayed the same,

but it did make them feel more pleasant.

Using distractions to start to feel better
is exactly what Dr. Tamir has suggested.

The study also found
that a negative reappraisal strategy,

essentially remembering all
of the shit things your ex said and did,

does decrease love feelings for your ex.

But it also makes you feel “unpleasant,”

and I’m guessing that means sad.

Finally, a third, more zen strategy
known as reappraisal of love feelings.

For this, participants had to muse
over statements like

“Love is part of life”

and “It’s OK to love someone
I’m no longer with.”

Yeah, that changed
nothing at all for them.

Overall, the researchers concluded,

and I’m not using
the scientific language here,

that concentrating
on the bad things about your ex

can help you to feel less in love.

While distracting yourself
with other subjects,

as my therapist suggested,

can actually make you feel better.

However, the research and Dr. Tamir
would both tell you

that while distraction is good
in the short term,

it is not a long-term solution.

“Taking that time to process
and understand it

is actually a much quicker way
to heal than ignoring it.”

Eventually, for the sake of ourselves
and our future partners,

we’re going to have to face up
to our feelings.

So how long does it take
to get over a breakup?

Well, we don’t have enough
long-term studies to know.

But more importantly,

I’ve learned that instead
of counting down the days,

we’re much better off reconnecting
with the things we love to do.

Finding something to distract us

and unpacking our feelings
when we’re ready.

If we can do all that,

then one day hopefully
we’ll come out of it feeling OK.

And in the end, isn’t that
what we’re really after?

94 Comments

  1. TED

    October 19, 2021 at 3:23 pm

    Love the new TED original series Am I Normal? with Mona Chalabi? Check out the full podcast audio on the TED Audio Collective channel here:

    • Geovane G T Caetano

      October 20, 2021 at 12:34 am

      TED add legenda em português! Please.

  2. M. P.

    October 19, 2021 at 7:18 pm

    8 years later and not over it yet…

  3. James Kirk Bogucheski

    October 19, 2021 at 7:19 pm

    There’s plenty of fish in the sea, but if you try to fish them yourself it’s “creepy” and you get a restraining order…
    Lol
    You got to just sit there and wait for another fish to voluntarily come to your arms.
    Takes a long time when you do that… Maybe dress up in algae…

  4. Katie Maxwell

    October 19, 2021 at 7:27 pm

    I wonder how this is for loss of family members who have not died.

  5. RuyLopezQB6

    October 19, 2021 at 7:33 pm

    VIDEO: We don’t actually know how long, but dealing with it in a healthy way is healthy.
    Mind blown.

  6. gsftb

    October 19, 2021 at 8:16 pm

    Just listen to ‘enjoy the silence’ from Depeche mode. And quit saying: it’s not that simple

  7. -

    October 19, 2021 at 8:23 pm

    It varies from person to person… like everything else. ¬_¬
    _Well good for you, you look happy and healthy_
    _Not me, if you ever cared to ask, good for you_
    _You’re doing great out there without me, baby, God, I wish that I could do that_

  8. Catastigma

    October 19, 2021 at 9:00 pm

    Cannot health from a breakup, i never as been in a relation in my life. 🤸 Forever Alone !

  9. Tomás Gomes

    October 19, 2021 at 9:05 pm

    Been over a year and I’m still not sure if I’m over it or not, but it certainly gets better with time 🙂

  10. Michrou

    October 19, 2021 at 9:09 pm

    2 days ago my GF broke with me. We were together for 5 years. The saddest part is that my best friend tried to steal her from me and since that her love to me started to corrode. She was too shy to tell me about her needs like more trips. Sometimes she unintentionally gave me bad suggestions and we started to improve our relation too late. We broke up really peacefully.

    Thank you for all the comments and short movie about what is happening to me.

  11. Almas

    October 19, 2021 at 9:20 pm

    Not me. It takes me 2 years and complete distance

  12. Jen

    October 19, 2021 at 9:37 pm

    sometimes when you truly loved someone, you may never get over at all… been there done that (distractions and focusing on their limitations)
    the key 🔑 is acceptance. learn to accept that there are things in this world that are beyond your control.

  13. Anbu black ops

    October 19, 2021 at 9:48 pm

    I have been single for over a year now and youtube is showing me a video of how 🤔long it takes to get over a breakup 🤕😒 I mean why don’t you just twist the knife in my heart and get it over with. 💔🎯

  14. Udaykumar PR

    October 19, 2021 at 9:48 pm

    Golden words spoken 🥰😍😘❤️💜💙 and do love & b grateful for beautiful moments shared as lovely memories with d one who left U, since, ’cause, leaving takes more effort & is more painful than being-left’ free to one-self…
    🤗😊🥰😍😘

  15. Nancy

    October 19, 2021 at 10:51 pm

    My boyfriend broke up with me 2h ago

  16. eI Smurf

    October 19, 2021 at 10:53 pm

    “Fine peace in the drowning”. Yes it hurts now but how many things hurt during the relationship. From being misunderstood to those nights of crying endlessly from being ignored. Yes its understandable to love a person but you also need to step back and learn to love yourself. All breakups are handled differently and recovery times are all different but what isn’t is loving yourself. Keep in mind you are the prize; So treat yourself as such.

  17. Zac Cook

    October 19, 2021 at 11:08 pm

    It’s so hard to not think of all the good times you had with that person, but the moment you commit to not remember the good times, but the bad times, youve made a solid step towards getting over them.
    That one time you guys argued over something dumb? Yea that kinda stuff. It’s really hard. But it really really helps.

  18. Sinan

    October 20, 2021 at 12:08 am

    Does anyone know the music playing in the background? #1:52 help me TED

  19. Christine Mac

    October 20, 2021 at 12:23 am

    I’m no longer waiting for the stimulus check because I earn $ 34,200 every 11-12 days recently.

    • Kyle lulu

      October 20, 2021 at 12:44 am

      十𝟷𝟾𝟻𝟽𝟼𝟸𝟼𝟼𝟼𝟹𝟸📞

    • Phoebe Albert

      October 20, 2021 at 12:46 am

      @Alexandra Torres Wow what a coincidence, you invested with Mrs Pamela Rose also? I also trade with her, I get to earn a weekly trading income of $ 14,800 pioneered by Expert Pamela Rose sustainable profitablity in 14 days.

    • Mike

      October 20, 2021 at 12:47 am

      This is the kind of information that we don’t get from most YouTubers, I will get in touch with her right away.

    • Tyler

      October 20, 2021 at 12:49 am

      I have been able to secure a steady inflow of returns off my Investments, it’s just great especially with this current situation, it’s just amazing to find out Mrs Pamela Rose and there’s been no regrets ever since.

    • Tyler

      October 20, 2021 at 12:50 am

      Expert Pamela Rose is a certified broker, I have worked with her for years anyone who she handles his or her trade for, I believe is so lucky all you have to do is believe in her and follow her guidance.

  20. Ramsay Meldrum

    October 20, 2021 at 12:26 am

    Addiction/alcoholism was a factor which contributed to a massively prolonged period of unnecessary “heartbreak” for me. I suspect it plays a role in determining recovery times for others, too. Even light or occasional use can be detrimental to moving on… waking up hungover and reading those messages you sent while intoxicated… month’s… years after it ended! Alcohol is a preservative, careful what feelings you submerge in it!

  21. freggo

    October 20, 2021 at 12:27 am

    My fiancee and I broke up in 1998
    How long did it take to get over it?
    Well, I let you know when I’m there…

  22. James Richardson

    October 20, 2021 at 12:51 am

    One must learn to accept the end of a relationship and let that person go.

  23. Varizen87

    October 20, 2021 at 1:02 am

    Without even seeing the study Mona is talking about, the second she said 1.) the study was misrepresented by people reporting on it and 2.) there was no mention of how long it took to get over a break up as well as 3.) it used a college population for the study, I immediately can guess a few details about the actual study. First is that the study FOLLOWED its participants for 11 weeks, which is 1 week longer than a quarter and 4 weeks short of a semester, and the outlets reported presumed that it followed people until they got over a break up instead of the fact that after about 11 weeks… the semester/quarter was over and it was harder to keep track of participants now that they had received their extra credit for classes. Some people get over relationships really fast… some people it can take well over a year. And then there are people who rebound and jump right into a new relationship while not over an old one… I had (operational word is had) a friend who had no self value and only saw her value in a relationship and couldn’t be single for more than 2 weeks before jumping into a new relationship, often abusive and more so than the last. No matter how much I told her “Being single is an option, and you really need to explore who you are as an individual” her response to breakups was to always jump into the first thing that came along. That means she wasn’t taking any time to grieve or deal with some of the underlying issues of why a previous relationship failed.

    But I strongly agree with a lot of what Mona is saying here. Redirecting your attention is good… but it doesn’t work forever. But most importantly… there’s no 1 single solution where you have a break up and can write on your calendar… “Officially Over Break Up Day.”

  24. matter

    October 20, 2021 at 1:04 am

    For me, about 4 years :/

  25. Lewis Andrew

    October 20, 2021 at 1:10 am

    Nice video!! Very engaging from beginning to end. Nevertheless, businesses and investment are the easiest way to make money irrespective of which party makes it to the oval office.

    • Johnson Smart

      October 20, 2021 at 1:19 am

      Interesting, most people don’t understand the market moves and tend to be mislead in facts like this and always depend on Money in the Bank very bad idea .

    • Willow Smith

      October 20, 2021 at 1:20 am

      When money realize that’s it’s in good hands, it wants to stay and multiply in those hands, if you really want to make points out of money you ve got, you have to take it out of your saving account

    • Benjamin Lucas

      October 20, 2021 at 1:25 am

      I understand the fact that tomorrow isn’t promised to anyone, but investing today is a hard thing to do because I have no idea of how and where to invest in?

    • John Smith

      October 20, 2021 at 1:25 am

      My personal portfolio/investment manager, Mr Michael Lloyd after a whole week of research, he runs an investment platform where you don’t have to under go any stress in the trades, he manages my trading..

    • Jack

      October 20, 2021 at 1:28 am

      People are really scared of investing in commodities because of the rate of unprofessionals today, but this is awesome just made a few research about him, and I’m shocked to see that he is a top notch.

  26. R Nedlo

    October 20, 2021 at 4:00 am

    Three months to “get over’ divorce; quarter of a century to overcome the effects.

  27. Ashley Love

    October 20, 2021 at 4:42 am

    What’s wrong with me when I suggested ending the relationship, I still think I made a good choice but still miss and think about the person time to time. In all I don’t regret my decision

  28. Sheetal Khatri

    October 20, 2021 at 6:10 am

    Loved it

  29. MrCheesy BaconBits

    October 20, 2021 at 6:40 am

    You’ll only get over them when you find someone better

  30. Patricia Noll

    October 20, 2021 at 6:51 am

    Two hours

  31. Jennifer Ariesta

    October 20, 2021 at 8:35 am

    Tbh it depends how in love you were and how messy/neat the breakup

  32. princee aurelliuss

    October 20, 2021 at 9:57 am

    subtitles in Indonesian

    • princee aurelliuss

      October 20, 2021 at 9:58 am

      my sister can’t speak english

  33. 색감확인용보정

    October 20, 2021 at 10:29 am

    Meeting someone else could also help. But we need time to heal for sure

  34. Miss Darcy

    October 20, 2021 at 11:09 am

    Actually I think it depends on the relationship and how deep the feelings were. We broke up 7 years ago and I still think of him sometimes and I know that if I see him one day, I will be broken, last time we spoke, it was 4 years ago and it really messed me up. I mean I moved on, I’m with someone else and happy, but I don’t think I will ever forget my ex, he will always have a small place in my heart and I’m okay with that.

  35. Susan Winters

    October 20, 2021 at 11:11 am

    Never

  36. Mr. C

    October 20, 2021 at 11:38 am

    “Get over”?? What does that mean?

  37. Alchemy of Eden

    October 20, 2021 at 11:48 am

    72 hours.

  38. razgmk

    October 20, 2021 at 11:55 am

    Till you meet someone new and fall in love again.

    • Eli Nope

      October 21, 2021 at 10:56 pm

      Yes, and the latter part is very important too. If you just get with other people that you don’t really care about, it doesn’t help.

  39. Mr. C

    October 20, 2021 at 11:59 am

    Trusting ones own judgements comes into play when dealing with relationships. Finding ones true identity is difficult enough, let alone inviting another into the mix prematurely.

  40. Dayne Lawless

    October 20, 2021 at 12:22 pm

    I guess it depends on whether you have abandonment issues, BPD systems, and where brutally hurt by your ex.
    I wish I learned something from this video.
    4 years later, it still really hurts.

    • Jen Gable

      October 20, 2021 at 2:14 pm

      How long were you two together??

    • Jen Gable

      October 20, 2021 at 2:14 pm

      How long were you two together?? I am sorry that you are hurting, however, depending on the situation, maybe it was necessary.. What are your thoughts ?

    • TinkerTavern

      October 21, 2021 at 10:44 pm

      Unfortunately, yes
      Hopefully you are/were able to seek professional support, as that sounds like a lot to deal with
      There are a lot of factors to consider in any relationship we go through, and it can take time and a lot of self compassion to be able to approach these sensitive topics fully
      I wish you the best though, nobody deserves to be abused

  41. patricia griffin

    October 20, 2021 at 1:35 pm

    Not long if you look forward to it lol

  42. Kelly

    October 20, 2021 at 2:04 pm

    For me I think it’s like half the time of the relationship. So if it was 1 year, maybe 6 months to get over. But of course depends on a lot of other factors too.

  43. Jen Gable

    October 20, 2021 at 2:13 pm

    It depends on how long the relationship was, what transpired, who ended the relationship, if there were mental health issues, or other problems, and what happened after.
    When the relationship is analyzed from the beginning to the very end, I tend to believe that there is a much better understanding.
    Also, I tend to think that at times, there could be a lack of communication (doesn’t know how to communicate-doesn’t speak, potential lies or deception, or miscommunication) which can cause additional problems.

    • Mr. C

      October 21, 2021 at 1:45 am

      Those are mere symptoms of the human condition. This is about establishing a personal identity that allows for life’s eventualities and the whims of others without compromising “soundness of mind”.

  44. AMBIENT SCIENCE

    October 20, 2021 at 4:49 pm

    Well I have to get in relationship to breakup which I never have so I am fine

  45. Dan Miller

    October 20, 2021 at 7:01 pm

    My wife for 18 years left me 10 years ago. I’m still destroyed.

    • Mr. C

      October 21, 2021 at 1:41 am

      Relationships that carry deep emotion are risky at best. Establishing personal identity outside of relationships is vital if one is to maintain the “self” without the possibility of becoming bitter or distanced.

  46. Sayzo 48

    October 20, 2021 at 7:28 pm

    What Goes Around… Comes Around

  47. Bee

    October 20, 2021 at 8:27 pm

    I saw an ex 15yrs after we broke up, 5yrs together. She seemed like a stranger to me just saying hello in a supermarket

  48. Lisa Love Ministry

    October 20, 2021 at 11:30 pm

    Seek God’s will daily.
    Proverbs 8:17 💗

    • Mr. C

      October 21, 2021 at 1:06 am

      I tried many times. His “will” left me empty, disappointed, and disillusioned.

  49. lwc2009

    October 20, 2021 at 11:59 pm

    depends greatly on how much heartache, anger, and hatred were born of the break-up… too many factors, that will differ in most all situations, for any one survey to be able to pin down an accurate time frame… ending of my last marriage was totally hostile and hateful… over a year later and I still am troubled by the betrayals (of both sides) to a degree that some nights I cannot even sleep…

  50. Jane Patterson

    October 21, 2021 at 1:39 am

    This would have been helpful for teens in high school, but the expletives make it unusable. Missed opportunity.

    • Mr. C

      October 21, 2021 at 1:49 am

      I agree. Identity of the self and the human condition should be required courses.

  51. David

    October 21, 2021 at 7:03 am

    Like. Let’s put our science money into studying this, maybe!

  52. G Rodriguez

    October 21, 2021 at 8:35 am

    Takes about as long as doing a Metamucil poo.

  53. Hanna Garcia

    October 21, 2021 at 9:27 am

    Until you met someone who can give you experiences greater than the memories you linger from your ex. & then one day, you’ll just know that you’re over it & you no longer feel the same for the ex.

  54. Peter didn't pick a pepper. But 2.

    October 21, 2021 at 10:54 am

    sometimes… never

  55. KCDQ_Benji

    October 21, 2021 at 12:18 pm

    Nul

  56. andybaldman

    October 21, 2021 at 9:17 pm

    But how long will it take me to get over YOU?
    You’re gorgeous!

  57. tefi

    October 22, 2021 at 4:08 am

    it’s been a mf year

  58. Monique UU

    October 22, 2021 at 1:54 pm

    Eleven weeks, yeah right! It’s been a little over a year and I hate that I can’t just let it go, get over it, stop remembering.

  59. Claire Gavin

    October 23, 2021 at 12:58 am

    I’m no longer waiting for the stimulus check because I earn $24,230 every 14-16 days recently got myself a new ride

    • Kerry L Russell

      October 23, 2021 at 1:18 am

      I’m placing my trades with Expert David Mark ASAP

    • María

      October 23, 2021 at 1:18 am

      Wow what a coincidence, you invested with Mr David also? I also trade with him I get to earn a biweekly trading income of $38,000 pioneered by Expert David ensuring sustainable profitability in my investment I’d say things are working out perfectly well ever since I started invest’ing with him keep up the good work sir

    • Kcazzzzzz

      October 23, 2021 at 1:19 am

      I meet Mr David for the first time at a conference in manchester I invested £25,000 and traded in one month making close to £143,670

    • William Smith

      October 23, 2021 at 1:20 am

      I’m from UK I and my colleague gave him a try and it has been a good returns of our investment, thanks Expert David

    • Katie Noel

      October 23, 2021 at 1:20 am

      Seeing Alot of success stories, he must be honest and trustworthy for people to talk this good about him

    • Sana HATIM

      October 23, 2021 at 8:01 pm

      Scaaaammmmmmmmmmm

  60. Paradigm-social-construct

    October 23, 2021 at 3:51 pm

    Well its been 2 and a half years and my 5 year relationship completely destroyed me as a human. Depression to social anxiety have never been worse and on top of the whole Covid lockdown im basically a loner in all aspects of life im 25 and i feel so fuckin* empty. Hopefully I will get the courage to get back to be a social butterfly like I was in high school. It sucks not talking to anyone for days at a time.

    • Siblings Tahiliani

      October 24, 2021 at 3:47 pm

      Same here! We can talk about it if you want

    • C Stanley

      October 25, 2021 at 12:04 am

      get rid of that obsession dude. go out n socialize; the gyms are open, libraries. physical exercise is good for the mind. set goals, get a job. you are not depressed; u r lazy n directionless.

  61. Lasagna is pretty cool

    October 23, 2021 at 8:43 pm

    Uh yeah I’d say it depends a lot on the context. Did the breakup come out of the blue? Did you have plans together for the long term, how serious was it, how strong were your feelings, what caused the breakup, did you get any closure, did you fight, do you still have contact with them, did they or you move on fast, do you have work, hobbies and social contacts, did you spend a lot of time together and a million other things.

  62. Vincent Jugah

    October 24, 2021 at 1:58 pm

    At first it tooks years,second break up it took months,third break up took weeks,and the last break up took me few days…I rather looking forward where I’m able to live with my partner someday and how I manage to live without a partner at all…to me it’s better to look for match and understanding partner.

  63. Daniel Washington

    October 24, 2021 at 5:12 pm

    I think what we’re really after is a warm hug that takes away most stresses that no other thing or distraction can possibly ease. If you got that consistently, you’re golden.

  64. Vee NBPolar

    October 25, 2021 at 2:04 am

    Warning: clickbait that doesn’t address either of the questions in the title. What a waste of all our time

  65. 222bri

    October 25, 2021 at 2:31 am

    how do we face up to our feelings?

  66. 222bri

    October 25, 2021 at 2:31 am

    very helpful

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Trending

Exit mobile version