Science & Technology

How long does it take to get over a breakup? | Am I Normal? with Mona Chalabi

We know how long it takes to heal from broken bones, injuries and ailments, but what about a broken heart? The answer, like relationships, is a little complicated. In this episode of Am I Normal?, Mona investigates different strategies for falling out of love with the help of a couples therapist, and unveils the research…

Published

3 years ago

October 19, 2021

CYBER TECH TV

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Transcriber:

How long does it take
to get over a breakup?

The good news is
I’ve done the research for you.

The bad news is that you
might not like the answer.

[Am I Normal? with Mona Chalabi]

See, a few years back,

a number of publications
were touting a study

telling their readers that it takes
11 weeks to get over a breakup.

That’s nearly three months spent
listening to depressing music

while putting on a brave face.

It might feel longer than it is,

but it’s only a few swipes
on the calendar app.

No big deal, right?

Well, unfortunately,
it’s not so straightforward.

See, those articles drastically
misrepresented that study.

In fact, the study never said anything

about how long it takes
to get over a breakup.

It only focused on the aftereffects
of ending a relationship,

specifically among undergrads,

which is a whole other can of worms.

To really answer that question

of how long it takes
to get over a breakup,

you would need to do a longitudinal study,

a study that would basically
follow a ton of people

from the moment of their breakup

and track their progress
year after year after year.

But studies like that are expensive
and complicated to carry out.

So with no adequate data,

I decided to seek professional help.

I went to couples therapists,
Dr. Hod Tamir.

He has anecdotal experience
with countless people in relationships

and, full disclosure,
he was my couple’s therapist, too.

So I asked him how long he thinks
it takes to get over a breakup.

“I don’t think there is a magic number …

If we feel like we can express ourselves
in how we’re feeling,

we don’t have to keep it bottled up.

Once you’re doing other things

that you’re engaged with
and distracted by,

then at some point you look back and like,
‘Oh yeah, that’s my ex.’

And you notice that the feelings
that you have are not as raw.

You can bump into each other
and not feel pain.”

And the data supports Dr. Tamir’s theory.

One study looked at different strategies
for love regulation.

In other words, can a few simple methods
change how much you love someone?

The study found that when participants
were distracted into thinking

about something other than their ex,

like, their favorite hobby
or ideal career,

their love feelings for their ex
stayed the same,

but it did make them feel more pleasant.

Using distractions to start to feel better
is exactly what Dr. Tamir has suggested.

The study also found
that a negative reappraisal strategy,

essentially remembering all
of the shit things your ex said and did,

does decrease love feelings for your ex.

But it also makes you feel “unpleasant,”

and I’m guessing that means sad.

Finally, a third, more zen strategy
known as reappraisal of love feelings.

For this, participants had to muse
over statements like

“Love is part of life”

and “It’s OK to love someone
I’m no longer with.”

Yeah, that changed
nothing at all for them.

Overall, the researchers concluded,

and I’m not using
the scientific language here,

that concentrating
on the bad things about your ex

can help you to feel less in love.

While distracting yourself
with other subjects,

as my therapist suggested,

can actually make you feel better.

However, the research and Dr. Tamir
would both tell you

that while distraction is good
in the short term,

it is not a long-term solution.

“Taking that time to process
and understand it

is actually a much quicker way
to heal than ignoring it.”

Eventually, for the sake of ourselves
and our future partners,

we’re going to have to face up
to our feelings.

So how long does it take
to get over a breakup?

Well, we don’t have enough
long-term studies to know.

But more importantly,

I’ve learned that instead
of counting down the days,

we’re much better off reconnecting
with the things we love to do.

Finding something to distract us

and unpacking our feelings
when we’re ready.

If we can do all that,

then one day hopefully
we’ll come out of it feeling OK.

And in the end, isn’t that
what we’re really after?

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94 Comments

TED

October 19, 2021 at 3:23 pm

Love the new TED original series Am I Normal? with Mona Chalabi? Check out the full podcast audio on the TED Audio Collective channel here:

Reply
- Geovane G T Caetano
  
  October 20, 2021 at 12:34 am
  
  TED add legenda em português! Please.
  
  Reply
M. P.

October 19, 2021 at 7:18 pm

8 years later and not over it yet…

Reply
James Kirk Bogucheski

October 19, 2021 at 7:19 pm

There’s plenty of fish in the sea, but if you try to fish them yourself it’s “creepy” and you get a restraining order…
Lol
You got to just sit there and wait for another fish to voluntarily come to your arms.
Takes a long time when you do that… Maybe dress up in algae…

Reply
Katie Maxwell

October 19, 2021 at 7:27 pm

I wonder how this is for loss of family members who have not died.

Reply
RuyLopezQB6

October 19, 2021 at 7:33 pm

VIDEO: We don’t actually know how long, but dealing with it in a healthy way is healthy.
Mind blown.

Reply
gsftb

October 19, 2021 at 8:16 pm

Just listen to ‘enjoy the silence’ from Depeche mode. And quit saying: it’s not that simple

Reply
-

October 19, 2021 at 8:23 pm

It varies from person to person… like everything else. ¬_¬
_Well good for you, you look happy and healthy_
_Not me, if you ever cared to ask, good for you_
_You’re doing great out there without me, baby, God, I wish that I could do that_

Reply
Catastigma

October 19, 2021 at 9:00 pm

Cannot health from a breakup, i never as been in a relation in my life. 🤸 Forever Alone !

Reply
Tomás Gomes

October 19, 2021 at 9:05 pm

Been over a year and I’m still not sure if I’m over it or not, but it certainly gets better with time 🙂

Reply
Michrou

October 19, 2021 at 9:09 pm

2 days ago my GF broke with me. We were together for 5 years. The saddest part is that my best friend tried to steal her from me and since that her love to me started to corrode. She was too shy to tell me about her needs like more trips. Sometimes she unintentionally gave me bad suggestions and we started to improve our relation too late. We broke up really peacefully.

Thank you for all the comments and short movie about what is happening to me.

Reply
Almas

October 19, 2021 at 9:20 pm

Not me. It takes me 2 years and complete distance

Reply
Jen

October 19, 2021 at 9:37 pm

sometimes when you truly loved someone, you may never get over at all… been there done that (distractions and focusing on their limitations)
the key 🔑 is acceptance. learn to accept that there are things in this world that are beyond your control.

Reply
Anbu black ops

October 19, 2021 at 9:48 pm

I have been single for over a year now and youtube is showing me a video of how 🤔long it takes to get over a breakup 🤕😒 I mean why don’t you just twist the knife in my heart and get it over with. 💔🎯

Reply
Udaykumar PR

October 19, 2021 at 9:48 pm

Golden words spoken 🥰😍😘❤️💜💙 and do love & b grateful for beautiful moments shared as lovely memories with d one who left U, since, ’cause, leaving takes more effort & is more painful than being-left’ free to one-self…
🤗😊🥰😍😘

Reply
Nancy

October 19, 2021 at 10:51 pm

My boyfriend broke up with me 2h ago

Reply
eI Smurf

October 19, 2021 at 10:53 pm

“Fine peace in the drowning”. Yes it hurts now but how many things hurt during the relationship. From being misunderstood to those nights of crying endlessly from being ignored. Yes its understandable to love a person but you also need to step back and learn to love yourself. All breakups are handled differently and recovery times are all different but what isn’t is loving yourself. Keep in mind you are the prize; So treat yourself as such.

Reply
Zac Cook

October 19, 2021 at 11:08 pm

It’s so hard to not think of all the good times you had with that person, but the moment you commit to not remember the good times, but the bad times, youve made a solid step towards getting over them.
That one time you guys argued over something dumb? Yea that kinda stuff. It’s really hard. But it really really helps.

Reply
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October 20, 2021 at 12:08 am

Does anyone know the music playing in the background? #1:52 help me TED

Reply
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Ramsay Meldrum

October 20, 2021 at 12:26 am

Addiction/alcoholism was a factor which contributed to a massively prolonged period of unnecessary “heartbreak” for me. I suspect it plays a role in determining recovery times for others, too. Even light or occasional use can be detrimental to moving on… waking up hungover and reading those messages you sent while intoxicated… month’s… years after it ended! Alcohol is a preservative, careful what feelings you submerge in it!

Reply
freggo

October 20, 2021 at 12:27 am

My fiancee and I broke up in 1998
How long did it take to get over it?
Well, I let you know when I’m there…

Reply
James Richardson

October 20, 2021 at 12:51 am

One must learn to accept the end of a relationship and let that person go.

Reply
Varizen87

October 20, 2021 at 1:02 am

Without even seeing the study Mona is talking about, the second she said 1.) the study was misrepresented by people reporting on it and 2.) there was no mention of how long it took to get over a break up as well as 3.) it used a college population for the study, I immediately can guess a few details about the actual study. First is that the study FOLLOWED its participants for 11 weeks, which is 1 week longer than a quarter and 4 weeks short of a semester, and the outlets reported presumed that it followed people until they got over a break up instead of the fact that after about 11 weeks… the semester/quarter was over and it was harder to keep track of participants now that they had received their extra credit for classes. Some people get over relationships really fast… some people it can take well over a year. And then there are people who rebound and jump right into a new relationship while not over an old one… I had (operational word is had) a friend who had no self value and only saw her value in a relationship and couldn’t be single for more than 2 weeks before jumping into a new relationship, often abusive and more so than the last. No matter how much I told her “Being single is an option, and you really need to explore who you are as an individual” her response to breakups was to always jump into the first thing that came along. That means she wasn’t taking any time to grieve or deal with some of the underlying issues of why a previous relationship failed.

But I strongly agree with a lot of what Mona is saying here. Redirecting your attention is good… but it doesn’t work forever. But most importantly… there’s no 1 single solution where you have a break up and can write on your calendar… “Officially Over Break Up Day.”

Reply
matter

October 20, 2021 at 1:04 am

For me, about 4 years :/

Reply
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October 20, 2021 at 1:10 am

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  October 20, 2021 at 1:19 am
  
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R Nedlo

October 20, 2021 at 4:00 am

Three months to “get over’ divorce; quarter of a century to overcome the effects.

Reply
Ashley Love

October 20, 2021 at 4:42 am

What’s wrong with me when I suggested ending the relationship, I still think I made a good choice but still miss and think about the person time to time. In all I don’t regret my decision

Reply
Sheetal Khatri

October 20, 2021 at 6:10 am

Loved it

Reply
MrCheesy BaconBits

October 20, 2021 at 6:40 am

You’ll only get over them when you find someone better

Reply
Patricia Noll

October 20, 2021 at 6:51 am

Two hours

Reply
Jennifer Ariesta

October 20, 2021 at 8:35 am

Tbh it depends how in love you were and how messy/neat the breakup

Reply
princee aurelliuss

October 20, 2021 at 9:57 am

subtitles in Indonesian

Reply
- princee aurelliuss
  
  October 20, 2021 at 9:58 am
  
  my sister can’t speak english
  
  Reply
색감확인용보정

October 20, 2021 at 10:29 am

Meeting someone else could also help. But we need time to heal for sure

Reply
Miss Darcy

October 20, 2021 at 11:09 am

Actually I think it depends on the relationship and how deep the feelings were. We broke up 7 years ago and I still think of him sometimes and I know that if I see him one day, I will be broken, last time we spoke, it was 4 years ago and it really messed me up. I mean I moved on, I’m with someone else and happy, but I don’t think I will ever forget my ex, he will always have a small place in my heart and I’m okay with that.

Reply
Susan Winters

October 20, 2021 at 11:11 am

Never

Reply
Mr. C

October 20, 2021 at 11:38 am

“Get over”?? What does that mean?

Reply
Alchemy of Eden

October 20, 2021 at 11:48 am

72 hours.

Reply
razgmk

October 20, 2021 at 11:55 am

Till you meet someone new and fall in love again.

Reply
- Eli Nope
  
  October 21, 2021 at 10:56 pm
  
  Yes, and the latter part is very important too. If you just get with other people that you don’t really care about, it doesn’t help.
  
  Reply
Mr. C

October 20, 2021 at 11:59 am

Trusting ones own judgements comes into play when dealing with relationships. Finding ones true identity is difficult enough, let alone inviting another into the mix prematurely.

Reply
Dayne Lawless

October 20, 2021 at 12:22 pm

I guess it depends on whether you have abandonment issues, BPD systems, and where brutally hurt by your ex.
I wish I learned something from this video.
4 years later, it still really hurts.

Reply
- Jen Gable
  
  October 20, 2021 at 2:14 pm
  
  How long were you two together??
  
  Reply
- Jen Gable
  
  October 20, 2021 at 2:14 pm
  
  How long were you two together?? I am sorry that you are hurting, however, depending on the situation, maybe it was necessary.. What are your thoughts ?
  
  Reply
- TinkerTavern
  
  October 21, 2021 at 10:44 pm
  
  Unfortunately, yes
  Hopefully you are/were able to seek professional support, as that sounds like a lot to deal with
  There are a lot of factors to consider in any relationship we go through, and it can take time and a lot of self compassion to be able to approach these sensitive topics fully
  I wish you the best though, nobody deserves to be abused
  
  Reply
patricia griffin

October 20, 2021 at 1:35 pm

Not long if you look forward to it lol

Reply
Kelly

October 20, 2021 at 2:04 pm

For me I think it’s like half the time of the relationship. So if it was 1 year, maybe 6 months to get over. But of course depends on a lot of other factors too.

Reply
Jen Gable

October 20, 2021 at 2:13 pm

It depends on how long the relationship was, what transpired, who ended the relationship, if there were mental health issues, or other problems, and what happened after.
When the relationship is analyzed from the beginning to the very end, I tend to believe that there is a much better understanding.
Also, I tend to think that at times, there could be a lack of communication (doesn’t know how to communicate-doesn’t speak, potential lies or deception, or miscommunication) which can cause additional problems.

Reply
- Mr. C
  
  October 21, 2021 at 1:45 am
  
  Those are mere symptoms of the human condition. This is about establishing a personal identity that allows for life’s eventualities and the whims of others without compromising “soundness of mind”.
  
  Reply
AMBIENT SCIENCE

October 20, 2021 at 4:49 pm

Well I have to get in relationship to breakup which I never have so I am fine

Reply
Dan Miller

October 20, 2021 at 7:01 pm

My wife for 18 years left me 10 years ago. I’m still destroyed.

Reply
- Mr. C
  
  October 21, 2021 at 1:41 am
  
  Relationships that carry deep emotion are risky at best. Establishing personal identity outside of relationships is vital if one is to maintain the “self” without the possibility of becoming bitter or distanced.
  
  Reply
Sayzo 48

October 20, 2021 at 7:28 pm

What Goes Around… Comes Around

Reply
Bee

October 20, 2021 at 8:27 pm

I saw an ex 15yrs after we broke up, 5yrs together. She seemed like a stranger to me just saying hello in a supermarket

Reply
Lisa Love Ministry

October 20, 2021 at 11:30 pm

Seek God’s will daily.
Proverbs 8:17 💗

Reply
- Mr. C
  
  October 21, 2021 at 1:06 am
  
  I tried many times. His “will” left me empty, disappointed, and disillusioned.
  
  Reply
lwc2009

October 20, 2021 at 11:59 pm

depends greatly on how much heartache, anger, and hatred were born of the break-up… too many factors, that will differ in most all situations, for any one survey to be able to pin down an accurate time frame… ending of my last marriage was totally hostile and hateful… over a year later and I still am troubled by the betrayals (of both sides) to a degree that some nights I cannot even sleep…

Reply
Jane Patterson

October 21, 2021 at 1:39 am

This would have been helpful for teens in high school, but the expletives make it unusable. Missed opportunity.

Reply
- Mr. C
  
  October 21, 2021 at 1:49 am
  
  I agree. Identity of the self and the human condition should be required courses.
  
  Reply
David

October 21, 2021 at 7:03 am

Like. Let’s put our science money into studying this, maybe!

Reply
G Rodriguez

October 21, 2021 at 8:35 am

Takes about as long as doing a Metamucil poo.

Reply
Hanna Garcia

October 21, 2021 at 9:27 am

Until you met someone who can give you experiences greater than the memories you linger from your ex. & then one day, you’ll just know that you’re over it & you no longer feel the same for the ex.

Reply
Peter didn't pick a pepper. But 2.

October 21, 2021 at 10:54 am

sometimes… never

Reply
KCDQ_Benji

October 21, 2021 at 12:18 pm

Nul

Reply
andybaldman

October 21, 2021 at 9:17 pm

But how long will it take me to get over YOU?
You’re gorgeous!

Reply
tefi

October 22, 2021 at 4:08 am

it’s been a mf year

Reply
Monique UU

October 22, 2021 at 1:54 pm

Eleven weeks, yeah right! It’s been a little over a year and I hate that I can’t just let it go, get over it, stop remembering.

Reply
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October 23, 2021 at 12:58 am

I’m no longer waiting for the stimulus check because I earn $24,230 every 14-16 days recently got myself a new ride

Reply
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  October 23, 2021 at 1:18 am
  
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Paradigm-social-construct

October 23, 2021 at 3:51 pm

Well its been 2 and a half years and my 5 year relationship completely destroyed me as a human. Depression to social anxiety have never been worse and on top of the whole Covid lockdown im basically a loner in all aspects of life im 25 and i feel so fuckin* empty. Hopefully I will get the courage to get back to be a social butterfly like I was in high school. It sucks not talking to anyone for days at a time.

Reply
- Siblings Tahiliani
  
  October 24, 2021 at 3:47 pm
  
  Same here! We can talk about it if you want
  
  Reply
- C Stanley
  
  October 25, 2021 at 12:04 am
  
  get rid of that obsession dude. go out n socialize; the gyms are open, libraries. physical exercise is good for the mind. set goals, get a job. you are not depressed; u r lazy n directionless.
  
  Reply
Lasagna is pretty cool

October 23, 2021 at 8:43 pm

Uh yeah I’d say it depends a lot on the context. Did the breakup come out of the blue? Did you have plans together for the long term, how serious was it, how strong were your feelings, what caused the breakup, did you get any closure, did you fight, do you still have contact with them, did they or you move on fast, do you have work, hobbies and social contacts, did you spend a lot of time together and a million other things.

Reply
Vincent Jugah

October 24, 2021 at 1:58 pm

At first it tooks years,second break up it took months,third break up took weeks,and the last break up took me few days…I rather looking forward where I’m able to live with my partner someday and how I manage to live without a partner at all…to me it’s better to look for match and understanding partner.

Reply
Daniel Washington

October 24, 2021 at 5:12 pm

I think what we’re really after is a warm hug that takes away most stresses that no other thing or distraction can possibly ease. If you got that consistently, you’re golden.

Reply
Vee NBPolar

October 25, 2021 at 2:04 am

Warning: clickbait that doesn’t address either of the questions in the title. What a waste of all our time

Reply
222bri

October 25, 2021 at 2:31 am

how do we face up to our feelings?

Reply
222bri

October 25, 2021 at 2:31 am

very helpful

Reply

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