Watch the full talk:
A clip from Esther Perel’s TED Talk “Rethinking infidelity … a talk for anyone who has ever loved” from TED2015
Infidelity is the ultimate betrayal. But does it have to be? Relationship therapist Esther Perel examines why people cheat and provides a new framework for understanding relationships. A must-watch for anyone who has ever loved.
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adultery has existed since marriage was invented
and so too the taboo against it in fact infidelity
has a tenacity that marriage can only envy
so much so that this is the only commandment
that is repeated twice in the bible once for
doing it and once just for thinking about it
so how do we reconcile what is universally
forbidden yet universally practiced
how do we heal from an affair
desire runs deep betrayal runs deep but it can
be healed and some affairs are death knells for
relationships that were already dying on the vine
but others will jolt us into new possibilities
the fact is the majority of couples who have
experienced the fair stay together but some of
them will merely survive and others will actually
be able to turn a crisis into an opportunity
they’ll be able to turn this into a generative
experience and i’m actually thinking even more
so for the deceived partner who will often say
you think i didn’t want more but i’m not the one
who did it but now that the affair is exposed they
too get to claim more and they no longer have to
uphold the status quo that may not have
been working for them that well either
i’ve noticed that a lot of couples in the
immediate aftermath of an affair because of this
new disorder that may actually lead to a new order
will have depths of conversations with honesty
and openness that they haven’t had in decades
and partners who are sexually indifferent find
themselves suddenly so lustfully variations they
don’t know where it’s coming from something about
the fear of loss will rekindle desire and make
way for an entirely new kind of truth now you’ve
listened to me and i know what you’re thinking
she has a french accent she must be pro-affair
so you’re wrong i am not french
and i’m not pro-affair i look at affairs from a
dual perspective hurt and betrayal on one side
growth and self-discovery on the other
what it did to you and what it meant for me
and so when a couple comes to me in the
aftermath of an affair that has been revealed
i will often tell them this today in
the west most of us are gonna have
two or three relationships or marriages and
some of us are gonna do it with the same person
your first marriage is over would
you like to create a second one
together
Uaki
July 24, 2021 at 6:35 pm
I dont know but i fkin hate cheaters
online and offline
In game and in life
Me Me
July 24, 2021 at 6:40 pm
Marriage was invented to fight humans primal urge to cheat. Since the advent of marriage, families have been stronger, bigger and more stable. In recent decades, as marriages have broken down, so too has society. Children suffer from this through an increase in mental illnesses, which passes onto the next generation.
Willow4526
July 24, 2021 at 7:22 pm
So if I understood this correctly it’s when a relationship becomes stagnant and unchanging that people cheat even if they’re happy in the relationship???
If so then just have a relationship that is happy to destroy the foundation of it to build a new one without needing the cheating.
Zenn Exile
July 24, 2021 at 7:31 pm
what a load of fukpotato nonsense. Wanna know why people cheat? Opportunity. This video should have been 3 seconds long.
Paper Hands
July 24, 2021 at 7:33 pm
Western civilization is a complete joke at this point.
Devaughn
July 24, 2021 at 7:53 pm
Who hit the upload button on this???
Richard Hannay
July 24, 2021 at 7:56 pm
Nobody will cheat on you if you don’t have anybody that will cheat on you 😜
😕
Sabur Onib
July 24, 2021 at 8:33 pm
Maybe instead we should tech people to be adults and focus on their problems instead of lying, deceiving and betraying your most trusted partner through years. If you are dissatisfied tell your partner, try to solve it. If it does not work, divorce is the next step. Don’t cheat, and then try to deal with your relationship problems afterwards. You already destroyed all trust in the relationship with this action so there’s no need to try and save anything
Pablo Mazza
July 24, 2021 at 8:33 pm
No it cant be healed lol.. wtf
VSPA TMX
July 24, 2021 at 8:34 pm
Humans are not biologically programmed to be monogamous.
Laws that insist that humans shud be monogamous are destined to fail … Miserably.
A sensible society shud take into account the biological makeup before imposing laws.
GOBSTOPPA
July 24, 2021 at 9:00 pm
WHAT” another disorder,”” could SOMBODY” please bring back common fuckin sense.
Madi
July 24, 2021 at 9:13 pm
Sorry but I don’t understand her accent…
JW
July 24, 2021 at 9:16 pm
Outside of non-consensual acts (i.e. rape, murder) Adultery is the absolute worst thing you can do to another person.
Agree or disagree?
Paul Brooks
July 24, 2021 at 9:41 pm
It is better to be open and strive for a challenge and seek to meet it, than fall due to an abundance of silence. Relationships must change and comfort only comes from the confidence of knowing that we can reliably work WITH someone and that they are as “for us” as we are “for them”. Betrayal, deceit, and a heart given away profligately destroy relationships.
Therefore, the only way a couple can thrive is by casting aside only seeking to fulfill themselves and mutually working to fulfill the other. Each person owns the responsibility for being transparent about their needs and how well they are being met, and the other person owns the responsibility for listening and working together towards reasonable accommodation. So where there is mutual service and sacrifice, so too is there shared fulfillment.
But how often are we open and honest and how often do we self-censor? Who can say they are self aware enough to know their desires without careful and honest self examination? How often do we ignore what others say and listen less than we speak?
Perhaps it is best then to seek to understand the self, the “other”, one’s own mind, and their mind as much as possible and THEN decide if pursuing a relationship with a person is reasonable or even possible. And then, work always to meet all these things, for life changes all the time, and who we are today is not guaranteed to be who we are tomorrow.
CdnAnonAwoke
July 24, 2021 at 10:14 pm
The planned premeditated destruction of the family. Insurrection
Felipe Vàsquez
July 24, 2021 at 10:47 pm
Man I love ted, but sometimes you got me like: “wtf man?“.
WTF MAN!?
niccolom
July 24, 2021 at 11:51 pm
What about it? This video is great.
luke stiers
July 24, 2021 at 11:47 pm
Actually they dont… end of show. Everyone have a good night! This whole thing sounds like excuses that people with no morals or honor make
Friedrich Hayek
July 24, 2021 at 11:47 pm
Men, just cut the bullshit out and go your own way.
NEVER have kids
NEVER get married
NEVER date
NEVER entertain any woman
Go your own way and never regret.
Professor Jay Tee
July 24, 2021 at 11:57 pm
Plenty of women out there only looking for a night’s entertainment. Guys, too.
Han Zhang
July 25, 2021 at 12:01 am
The point she’s making is that cheating can reveal a problem and force the couple to fix it or end it.
Ok, agreed… But there are much healthier and better ways to get that problem revealed and fixed, so cheating should still not be encouraged nor excused.
Julius Caesar
July 25, 2021 at 12:16 am
her voice is same with Curie from fallout 4
Kay Aar
July 25, 2021 at 12:27 am
what rubbish
True Crime Queen TV
July 25, 2021 at 12:54 am
❤️❤️❤️❤️
Krunoslav Stifter
July 25, 2021 at 1:23 am
I find her to be heavily biased in her perception on this matter because she has a practice where screwed up people go to tell her about why they are screwed up. When she writes and comes up with her ideas about the marriage or human relationships , most of her work is heavily skewed in favor of the worldview she has because of her practice. Hence most of her writings and talks tend to be extremely one sided and limited and one can argue that she is following the tradition of most those who have private practice these days, they write books to promote their brand and its practically a cottage industry. She is not a researcher of any wide field of study, or multiple studies. She is not experienced outside of her own, but she is very dogged in her views. She does have a persuasive and nuanced vocabulary and her books make for entertaining reading, but I would not take it for face value.
Its a small portion and one sided view of her experienced turned into branded book tour. Hardly a universal expriance. Like so many of her type she seems to have no capacity to have multiple ideas, but grabs on one idea like in the Mating in Captivity book and takes an idea of one sentence of how people have paradoxical needs of certainty and uncertainty they need to manage in healthy ways. She than turns it into 300 page book where she rotates stories her patients told her, you know screwed up people, and makes this glorified blog post into a book to promote her practice. Its an entertaining read because the way she writes, but it is intellectually ankle deep and should not be taken at face value. “Rethinking infidelity” sounds a lot like another book tour to promote the private practice on the other end. So typical. Everyone writes a book these days because you know how else you will get to be known as “expert”.
C. E.
July 25, 2021 at 8:33 am
This was dumb. Obviously, in her examples, communication is the issue between couples that cheat. Cheating is not an excuse to communicate… Cheating is how you destroy your relationship.
GET TRIGGERED
July 25, 2021 at 9:03 am
Where am I?
Praise Frank
July 25, 2021 at 9:17 am
TED never disappoints! Communication is key in a relationship no matter how you wanna look at it. Gotta communicate.
Daniel Angelina
July 25, 2021 at 9:34 am
Wow!! Finally meet the Maskoffweb on YouTube people have been talking about since he hack 12,000 thousand into my bank account with just a token amount am very surprised
Ken
July 25, 2021 at 10:01 am
When you settle, it never works out. Make a list and check it twice, It worked for Santa.
Anne Day
July 25, 2021 at 11:02 am
“Why hungry people say no to food”
“Why cold people strip”
“Why hot people bundle up”
“Why people who can’t swim never drown”
Lewis K
July 25, 2021 at 12:42 pm
This was one of the shittest talks I’ve ever seen.
Luke Hayes
July 25, 2021 at 12:49 pm
Some ideas are so stupid that only intellectuals believe them. – George Orwell
John
July 25, 2021 at 1:52 pm
Humans aren’t hard wired for monogamy. We’re hard wired to reproduce. Sexual attraction isn’t a choice
Normaali Ihminen
July 25, 2021 at 4:02 pm
Perhaps but polygamy ruins society if it becomes mainstream
Perceived Velocity
July 25, 2021 at 7:56 pm
Your 100% wrong. Humans pair bond and children need a stable home. Cheating and polyamorous relationship’s are shortsighted and selfish. They do real damage to children and adults.
Enkeria
July 25, 2021 at 2:18 pm
Do not cheat people. It is hurtful and one day you will make the people trusting you so hurt they will never try to get a relationship again. Instead break up before venturing, or better yet – communicate and solve the challenge.
Bruce Smith
July 25, 2021 at 3:51 pm
“Happy” couples cheat because they’re only pretending to be Happy.
BigNortes
July 25, 2021 at 4:04 pm
Cheating is just a lack of honor. If you are unhappy, talk with your partner or end the relationship. Simple. Time to restore some values in this dying, agonising weak western civilization.
David De Sinenomine
July 25, 2021 at 4:15 pm
Lou is always at work.
SCIENCE SAVES
July 25, 2021 at 5:08 pm
There are very few mammalian species that are monogamous. Humans are not one of those species. Monogamy is unnatural for our species and the rules of our society’s patriarchal marriage can be torture and toxic for some
Saad Khondoker
July 25, 2021 at 5:43 pm
The last point(2:36) was DIAMOND.
Alejandro Vasquez
July 25, 2021 at 6:00 pm
🦬💩 if he/she cheats on you dump him/her IMMEDIATELY!
Ram
July 25, 2021 at 6:03 pm
When you thought TED Talks cant get any more stupider and stupider.
King In Black
July 25, 2021 at 7:23 pm
Happy couples don’t cheat, bored couples do. If your spouse has been cheating on you the whole time, for at least me, you can never be my spouse.
Johannes Krohn
July 25, 2021 at 7:55 pm
Well, it’s only cheating, when you say that you won’t do it, isn’t it?
Zam Tube
July 25, 2021 at 8:40 pm
So she is trying to normalize the infidelity. No doubt, it’s prevalent to cheat on partner or spouse in almost every society regardless of caste, religion, language, but that doesn’t mean that someone should take the right of decision that completely belongs to those who are involved.
Val Temp
July 25, 2021 at 9:03 pm
I am newly divorced.
The Barking Mouse
July 26, 2021 at 12:47 am
Happy couples don’t… I miss when Ted talks were cutting edge science and scientific analysis. Now it is 94% garbage.
Dhavid Ben Trinidad
July 26, 2021 at 2:03 am
Cheating will never be right.
Greg Wake
July 26, 2021 at 7:05 am
Wow is all I can say
Greg Wake
July 26, 2021 at 7:06 am
This lady is awesome sauce and a half
Andrea Silva
July 26, 2021 at 10:06 am
This is what normalizing cheating looks like
shubh mishra
July 28, 2021 at 7:03 am
Exactly
Hms
July 26, 2021 at 11:12 am
Can some couples survive infidelity?
definitely
Should all couples accept infidelity? absolutely not
Your choice to cheat my choice to leave both have the right to fully practice their choices. Don’t victim blame partners to stay after betrayal. It is okay to stay and fix it. But it is also okay to leave and start fresh.
Cheating is not a normal biological act that you’re doomed to do because of your genetics. Some personalities can never stay monogamous and some personalities will never cheat. Find your match and compatible soul. And stop forcing others to be something they’re not.
Bband
July 26, 2021 at 11:27 am
If and when the society decides to get rid of the illusion of monogamy, we may have more successful relationships. Most people have cheated/will cheat at least once and the only reason they won’t do it again is out of fear and guilt.
amir hossein
July 26, 2021 at 11:45 am
Its about lust. Simple.
a7i20ci7y
July 26, 2021 at 11:56 am
ITT people who live in a fairy tale world where people are either perfect heroes or worthless villains and tragedy is never a result of random chance. Cheating happens sometimes, and you get bitter or you get better. Recognizing the nuances is key to the latter.
STRENGTH FROM ABOVE
July 26, 2021 at 12:51 pm
Cheating is more spiritual than anything, you are connecting spiritually with people you don’t know aoutside your marraige.
shubh mishra
July 28, 2021 at 7:05 am
😂😂
Scott Ziegler
July 26, 2021 at 6:44 pm
Cheating is suicidal
Bargain Tuesday
July 26, 2021 at 7:29 pm
It doesn’t matter why people cheat. If it happens to you, and it almost certainly will, abandon that person and never look back. The relationship is completely unsalvageable.
Danielkaas94
July 26, 2021 at 9:43 pm
Hypergamy
JohnJohn
July 26, 2021 at 10:02 pm
Ladies and gentlemen – the modern woman. Dear god.
TheCreeperTrack
July 27, 2021 at 2:58 am
Pereal
Brittiany Istre
July 27, 2021 at 3:29 am
Wow so many of y’all misunderstanding this talk
Beelzebub Komseda
July 27, 2021 at 11:40 am
I was cheated on for about 5 years, everything seemed fine. But as soon as i lost my job all of the skeletons came rushing out the closet and it was done.
I’m been depressed for years now and it seem’s like i only wait for the mirrow to motivate me into suicide with wringles 🙂
But I should have been better to ask her about her feelings and the fucking behind my back. This is after all 2021
Sarah Marie
July 27, 2021 at 3:51 pm
Taboo against it? Um yeah, because it’s morally reprehensible..
DarthVader0
July 27, 2021 at 4:55 pm
I didn’t understand what she’s saying… someone please explain me in detail with examples… fgs
Jezzy
July 29, 2021 at 11:10 am
I have children with my wife, I will never cheat on her or leaver her, as hard as things can be.
With that I have 2 exeption:
-If she leave me,
-If she cheat on me.
I will never allow myself to live with someone who cheated me and nobody should never go this low.
rambayoo
July 29, 2021 at 2:27 pm
I feel this was taken a bit out of context, Esther Perel is an amazing professional and has helped numerous couples save their marriage. As someone mentioned before, it feels like this version was edited for maximum “click” and sensationalism but if you really want to listen to her teachings, visit her YouTube or full versions of her speeches and Q&As
Dan Fu
July 29, 2021 at 7:12 pm
Once or twice a year I entertain myself with a certain game. I call it “is TED still dead?”. It consist of watching single video and concluding how lame/useless/annoying it is, then I think to myself “yeah it’s dead”.
“Why, Mr. Anderson?! Why?! why do you persist?!” (c)
Alberto
July 29, 2021 at 8:01 pm
No