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How much do you think about your future self? If your answer is not much, you’re not alone. It can be difficult to plan for a version of yourself you haven’t met yet, says psychologist Meg Jay. Sharing how to close the empathy gap between you and your future selves, she outlines courageous questions to ask about how your present and future can align, so you can begin to achieve your goals. (This conversation, hosted by TED current affairs curator Whitney Pennington Rodgers, was part of a TED Membership event. Visit ted.com/membership to become a TED Member.)
0:00 Intro
0:13 The empathy gap between your current and future selves
1:55 Philosopher Derek Parfit: “We neglect our future selves because of some sort of failure or belief or imagination.”
3:00 How virtual reality could help you save for retirement
3:45 A Q&A with your future self
5:54 Get to know yourself anytime — age doesn’t matter
7:38 Next steps with your future self
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Transcriber:
Meg Jay: We need to talk
about the empathy gap.
So the empathy gap is
why we sometimes hate on people
on the other end
of the political spectrum.
Or it’s why maybe we shrug their shoulders
at the problems of those
who look different
or live different
or love different than we do.
It’s why we almost certainly
aren’t doing enough
to protect our kids and grandkids
from climate change.
It can just be difficult sometimes
to care about people that we don’t know
or to do right by people
who don’t even exist yet.
But what if I told you
that that same empathy gap
can also get in the way of us doing right
by ourselves in our 20s and beyond?
And before I go on,
let me say that everything
I’m about to talk about
also applies to all of us out there
who are well beyond our 20s.
But for a little bit of background,
in 2013, I gave a talk
about why our twenties matter.
So it’s about almost 10 years later.
I’m still a clinical psychologist
who specializes in 20-somethings.
But these days, the 20-somethings I see,
they know their 20s matter.
So they want to get them right.
They want to move to the right city.
They want to take the right job.
They want to find the right partner.
They want to have the right answers.
Well, the bad news is
there are no right answers.
There are no right answers for where
you should live or where you should work
or how you should settle down.
These are what are called
“large world problems”
because there are just too many unknowns.
No app, no algorithm, no enneagram
can ever solve these problems
or answer these questions for you.
But the good news is,
because there are no right answers,
there are no wrong answers.
There are only your answers.
So your 20s are a great time
to listen to and be honest with yourself.
They’re a great time to have
a conversation with your future self.
So philosopher Derek Parfit said
we neglect our future selves
because of some sort of failure
of belief or imagination.
So I’m going to say that again,
because it’s really important:
we neglect our future selves
because of some sort of failure
of belief or imagination.
So when you’re young,
it can be difficult to imagine or believe
that you could ever really be 35,
especially when most of the influencers
you see on Instagram or TikTok
are younger than that.
But that’s a problem
because research shows
that our brains think
about our future selves
similarly to how
they think about strangers.
And that’s where the empathy gap comes in.
It can be difficult for us to care
about a version of ourselves
that we haven’t met yet.
Yet research also shows
that if we find a way
to close that empathy gap
between our present selves
and our future selves,
we start to think more
about what we could do now
to be kind to ourselves down the line.
So in one of my favorite studies on this,
researchers used virtual reality
to show 20-somethings
what they would look like
when they’re old.
Scary, I know, but the 20-somethings
who saw their age-morphed selves,
set aside more money towards
retirement than those who didn’t.
So I don’t have
virtual reality in my office
and saving for retirement isn’t something
that comes up a whole lot.
But what does come up a whole lot
is that about 85 percent
of life’s most defining moments
take place by around age 35.
So I ask my clients
to imagine themselves at age 35
and I ask them to believe in their ability
to have created those defining moments.
And then I ask them to get
really specific about what they see.
What do I look like, where do I live,
what do I do for work?
Do I enjoy the work? Is it meaningful?
Is it important? Does it pay well?
Might these things be true one day?
Which of these things
do I really care about?
What about after work?
Who do I come home to?
Do I have a partner?
What does that relationship look like?
How does it look different or similar
to the ones that I saw growing up?
Are there kids in the picture?
How old was I when I had my first child?
How old might I be when that child
goes to college or has their own kids?
And of course, am I happy, am I healthy?
And what exactly do I do or not do
that makes me happy and healthy?
So the idea here is just to try
to get to know your future self,
because when we spend time
connecting with that person,
we do some reverse engineering
and we start to ask
our present self questions
about how our present and our future
can come together or meet somewhere
in the middle, along the way.
We start to ask questions like,
“How is everything
I think I want going to fit?”
or “What does all this mean
about what I need to be doing now?”
Or here’s one of my favorite questions
to ask yourself at any age:
“If I’m in a job
or a relationship or a situation
I would like not to be in in five years,
then how much longer
am I going to spend on this?”
So, like I said, many
of these are tough questions.
But 20 years of doing this work
has taught me that 20-somethings aren’t
afraid of being asked the tough questions.
What they’re really afraid of
is not being asked the tough questions.
And maybe that’s because
they’ve told the world
that they’re interested in having
courageous conversations
about race and class
and politics and the environment.
And perhaps at any age,
one of the most courageous conversations
you can have is with your future self.
Thank you.
Whitney Pennington Rodgers:
Thank you so much, Meg.
That was wonderful.
I’m glad to be here with you
and with all of our members.
And I know that your work is
with people in their 20s, young adults.
But you mentioned in your talk
that this is something you can apply
at any stage of your life
and at any point.
It’s not just advice that you should use
in your 20s, is that right?
MJ: Oh, yes.
I mean, I think our 20s is when we first
start having to sort of figure out,
“Oh, there’s a future self out there.
And I guess I better think
about that person.”
Because, you know, like,
school kind of does it for us,
has us plot two or three years in advance.
So our 20s are when we first start
to think across those horizons.
We get better at it over time.
And then in our 30s, 40s, 50s, we have
more built-in connections to the future.
Like maybe if you have kids,
you think, “Hey, I really
want to be around
when they graduate from college”
or whatever the case may be.
So there are there are ways we kind of —
it becomes a little bit more natural
the older that you get.
But it’s always important.
I have a couple in my practice right now
and they’re actually having a conversation
with their future relationship,
because in about five years,
their kids are going to
be leaving for college
and they want to be sure they have
a marriage they feel good about
when the kids are gone.
Or if I think about myself, I’m 51.
So I’m having a conversation
with my future self
about, “Hey, you know,
what do I want to get out of
the years of my career
that are just ahead in my 50s
and, you know, time’s running out.
What is it I want to get done?”
So I think we’re, you know,
we always need to be
in conversation with our future self.
It’s just something that’s new
and usually quite difficult
for 20-somethings.
WPR: So I guess one thing
I’m curious about is, you know,
people have said, “OK, I like
this idea of these questions.
I want to ask myself these questions.”
And they do that. And then what happens?
You know, I guess,
what do you recommend people do next?
What is the way that
they can sort of take this further
to advance themselves and this thinking?
MJ: Yeah, so, you know, again,
it depends on the goal
or what ended up happening
between you and your future self
in this conversation.
But I think like most long-form projects,
so I would suggest some, you know,
pencil and paper, do some math,
sort of sketch out
some things just to start with.
And then as you go along,
you might realize other things
that are important to you down the line
that you want to be sure
that you get in there and add in there.
And then I would figure out —
it depends on what it is,
but a schedule that works for you,
where you check in about your progress on,
“Hey, am I being true to myself
and to my future self
in terms of what I said
I was going to start prioritizing more.”
So maybe that check-in is once a month.
Maybe it’s every year on New Year’s.
Maybe it’s your birthday.
It really kind of depends.
But I do think — I mean,
having this conversation one time
because you heard my chat today
and then dropping it is probably
not going to do a lot for you.
But if it’s kind of the beginning
of an ongoing conversation with yourself
and like with any goal,
it’s probably something we need to
keep circling back around on.
“OK? Is this still what I want
and how am I doing on this?”
It kind of create some accountability.
And so for that, that is where I think
some people find,
I’m going to tell a friend
or I’m going to tell my pastor
or I’m going to write it in my journal
or whatever it is for you
to kind of say, this is a goal
that I’m going to own
and I’m going to keep coming back to it.
WPR: Have some sort of partner,
even if that partner is yourself,
your future self.
MJ: Right.
WPR: Well, Meg, thank you so much
for being with us today,
for your for your talk and for sharing
so much of your wisdom
around these questions
and your 20s, and so much more.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
MJ: Yeah, my pleasure. It was really fun.
Rebecca
July 12, 2021 at 5:17 pm
Well, at 35, I guess I’m f*cked. Cheers Ted, always an inspiration 😂🖕🥱
People, go read ‘Late Bloomers’ by Rich Karlgaard to offset this negative 💩.
Sain D
July 12, 2021 at 5:20 pm
Ehat happens when you run out of conspiracies because they all are coming true..?
Hiroshi Manorathne
July 12, 2021 at 5:26 pm
Insightful
A.C. gaming
July 12, 2021 at 5:32 pm
Let’s fill up the empathy gap together
Penfold
July 12, 2021 at 5:36 pm
Complete and utter nonsense, worry about this time , worry about future time, “Let us think of connection to that future time”. Impossible !.
Maira Thorn
July 12, 2021 at 5:56 pm
*She’s just suggesting everyone to be more responsible for our actions and it’s reaction.*
violet156
July 12, 2021 at 6:03 pm
Completely pointless video and should be titled for 20-sormthtings
M I
July 12, 2021 at 6:25 pm
“It’s not about you”
steve jette
July 12, 2021 at 11:22 pm
M I – It’s all about me.
Hamza
July 12, 2021 at 6:54 pm
This was brilliant. I’m 23 and I had sort of a wake up call at my birthday and I’ve started to take care of my body and mind more. I excercise and try to move more frequently and mindfully, I’m reading more books, and sleeping better. Investing in yourself is the best investment.
Alvita Churnia
July 12, 2021 at 9:12 pm
Hey, I’m 23 years old too. I thought I was the only one who sad during my birthday haha 🤣 yeah that’s totally true if imagine the future. I ask what do you want to achieve. So, I start to growing up my seeds now. I hope I will get it in the future. Especially this generations used to get something instantly. Sometimes I feel frustrated too if I don’t get what I want. Be patient and enjoy your journey are the keys
Alex Duran
July 12, 2021 at 7:02 pm
Never heard such a load of nonsense spoken by supposedly by supposely professional. You do not have your future guaranteed you don’t have to you don’t have tomorrow guaranteed. And I probably will not understand the future me like the youth like the youth does not understand older people today
murad muhammed
July 12, 2021 at 7:40 pm
THANKS a lot
Manu John
July 12, 2021 at 7:47 pm
Complete bull-crap talk. 👎👎👎👎
Axel Sebastian
July 12, 2021 at 8:06 pm
I’m searching for answers to this question.
How to live a life with no regrets?
This helped.
Lennart Joos
July 12, 2021 at 8:11 pm
I absolutely loved the 2013 TED talk, so happy to see this follow-up popping up!
Marc Nagy
July 12, 2021 at 9:07 pm
“It can ruin your life only if it ruins your character.” 💪💪💪
-Marcus Aurelius
Keziah M
July 12, 2021 at 9:56 pm
I read her book “The Defining Decade” and it really gave me insights on investing in yourself in your 20s. How your 30s look like are mostly as a result of how you spend those 10 years of your 20s. Great stuff.
Maxime Lepage
July 12, 2021 at 10:07 pm
I’ve listened twice and I don’t get the point.. Just why?!
J C
July 12, 2021 at 10:17 pm
FOLLOW THE SCRIPT, WELL-DONE !
Eliz Mead
July 12, 2021 at 10:25 pm
Just more stress. More questions that are a waste of time. Life is living in the moment. Follow your heart.
Fatimatuzzuhroh
July 12, 2021 at 11:16 pm
Huhu:) I agree with you, sometimes those Questions just stress our selves
steve jette
July 12, 2021 at 11:20 pm
Eliz – What if “living in the moment” includes asking important questions ?
Jw Lf
July 12, 2021 at 11:08 pm
Essential question to your future self : when will covid end?
steve jette
July 12, 2021 at 11:18 pm
Jw Lf – Like algebra, there is an unknown, referred to as “X”. Then work it out while not knowing. Unless with the vax, it ends for you then.
Asking what if covid ends tomorrow ? What if it never ends ?
steve jette
July 12, 2021 at 11:27 pm
51 and your “time is running out” ?? Average American woman lives to 81.4. You have almost 40% of your life left.
TheVMCbros
July 12, 2021 at 11:46 pm
Analyze your current situation and then imagine your situation when you are 35 years old. Where are you? What do you do? Who are you with? What makes you happy? Are you healthy? Then compare the answers to your current self. This will enable you to see what you can do now to move closer to the path that will lead you to the future self you just imagined. Take responsibility for your present moment and of the fact that it definitely will have an impact on your future.
SteVeL
July 12, 2021 at 11:56 pm
That was a very long winded way to say “plan ahead”.
Phuong Tran
July 13, 2021 at 12:21 am
We neglect our future selves, because of some sort of failure of belief or imagination.
foxcharlie
July 13, 2021 at 2:20 am
Great talk
D G
July 13, 2021 at 4:18 am
My future self ain’t talking to me
George Sharpe
July 13, 2021 at 4:34 am
Live your life today the way you would like to remember it tomorrow.
Yto H
July 13, 2021 at 5:23 am
Total.nonsense.
z
July 13, 2021 at 5:42 am
<3
KHD the Positivist
July 13, 2021 at 7:33 am
I lived in peace all my life until I met that drunk American on my 40th birthday 18 years ago, put his hand on my shoulder and said: Ok dude, I can tell you now that your best days are gone!
Kenneth Brown
July 13, 2021 at 8:14 am
I would love to hear a clinical explanation or answer to the question as to why 20 and 30 somethings feel it’s acceptable to trash older people? Some younger generations are transfixed on blaming all their life problems on the older generations. Perhaps the empathy gap can explain the reason for this. Younger people don’t realize that life isn’t easy for anyone.
Ermias 't
July 13, 2021 at 8:40 am
Absolutely inspiring!! 🤘🏾
JC Rising Late ʕ•ᴥ•ʔߛ ̋ l Verified l V l
July 13, 2021 at 8:51 am
*no right answers? then whay am i watching this! you owe me 1m 20secs back lady!*
-jc
Brajesh
July 13, 2021 at 9:21 am
I wish someone had taught me this a decade ago. But it’s never late to get started.
Haylie R. Wilson
July 13, 2021 at 10:33 am
There’s money and a partner, but now I would love to be 30 with friends
A Whale And A Deer
July 13, 2021 at 10:41 am
6:27
Bianka
July 13, 2021 at 4:39 pm
As a lost 20 something I thank you dearly for this talk. The pressure just gets too much at times and we dont exactly have the best outlook for future either.
Allen Markham
July 13, 2021 at 9:09 pm
I’m 78 and have no clue to what I could have done differently to make things better now. Different yes, better who knows. But I know I could have changed my future self, I just have no way of determining if it would have been better or worse. (Oh, I’m not really interested in finding out either.)
Chef Pizza
July 14, 2021 at 12:21 pm
30 and realizing great I got five years left
Selino
July 14, 2021 at 11:40 pm
Wonderful talk! 👏 I wonder how class and wealth impact the importance of these questions.When you don’t have a financial net (aka rich parents) are these questions more or less relevant to you or your parents? Perhaps it’s actually difficult when you’re young, come from wealth, and have to battle expectations to maintain that social standing? I wonder… 🤔
Guilherme GT
July 14, 2021 at 11:51 pm
When I was 16 years old (2016) I started doing something that I’ve been doing ever since then: every end of the year I record a video for myself making a review of that year and what my expectations for the next year and for the future are. Today (2021), I’m currently 21 years old and I have 5 videos like that and I can assure you it is always a great experience to review how my mindset was, how things were in the past and how many things I planned or predicted actually became reality. It is like all versions of myself throughout time are altogether telling me a message, it helps me to reconnect to my essence and learn how to enjoy life in a better way.
Another thing I would recommend is a website called ‘futureme.org’, through it you can write a private letter for yourself in the future and schedule it to be sent to your email on an specific date. I’ve used it many times and it is awesome.
Brook Tewolde
July 15, 2021 at 8:23 am
And when I ask my future self those questions, anxiety attacks start creeping up lol
Leo M
July 15, 2021 at 8:32 am
Summary: Use a calendar
Vame Animations
July 15, 2021 at 9:32 am
I have a suggestion to add to the conversation:
Make it a trifold talk by throwing in your past self!
If you reflect on your past it’s also easier to ask the right questuions for the future.
Vame Animations
July 15, 2021 at 9:33 am
By looking at the difference between your past self and now it also becomes easier to imagine your future self in the first place.
Emily G
July 15, 2021 at 10:03 am
These are really HARD questions. I know you said that, but I (we) would really appreciate a “how to” video on how to navigate these questions. What does this look like? How do we figure out what we want???… Especially if we had difficult childhoods that didn’t allow for autonomy.
Mahyar Mirrashed
July 28, 2021 at 6:39 am
Probably go see a therapist first if you have autonomy difficulties.
詠夢田中
July 15, 2021 at 10:11 am
めぐじぇい先生をまた見れて、泣きそう
Monica Janse van Rensburg
July 15, 2021 at 10:58 am
This is beaitiiful 🔥
Earth girl 地球女孩
July 15, 2021 at 11:47 am
Nope, that’s not how life works. You have to be adaptable and flexible and develop these traits in your 20s; especially now when the world is so unpredictable. Bashing yourself with questions of your future yours isn’t going to get you prepared to live through the turbulent times.
J O
July 15, 2021 at 11:48 am
I talked to my past selfish and I was disgusted that I did not became a trophy husband of Morgan Fairchild
J O
July 15, 2021 at 11:58 am
Oh, yeah. Ask yourself, am I white and privileged? Was I born with connections to make my life better? Or I am a minority and I have take any job, because any job is better than no job? This lady is giving advice to white people, who had good socioeconomic status
Rachel Kanarowski
July 18, 2021 at 5:41 am
I completely agree. This talk feels dated and I wish the moderator had brought that up.
KayFlowidity
July 15, 2021 at 2:59 pm
2:15 👌👌👌
Reconnected - Dating With Integrity
July 17, 2021 at 8:32 am
“When we are no longer able to change a situation – we are challenged to change ourselves.” – Viktor E. Frankl
Thank you for this insightful talk!
Najot Helwulf
July 18, 2021 at 4:50 am
Why does it matter?
Rachel Kanarowski
July 18, 2021 at 5:34 am
This talk feels dated. Very few of my friends achieved “most of the major milestones of life” by 35. And that doesn’t even begin to take into account how privilege intersects with the timeline for these “milestones.” My life has been an adventure that my 20-something self could not have even begun to plan for. Things that have appeared on the surface to be disappointments and setbacks have opened the door to opportunities that weren’t on any roadmap. Sure, there have been trade offs: I have not been married. I do not own a home. I have no children.But I’ve lived a rich life and if I listen too closely to Meg Jay’s words it would seem that many of today’s 30 and 40-somethings have somehow missed the boat of a fulfilling life.
Mahyar Mirrashed
July 28, 2021 at 6:36 am
Perhaps you’re right. I do think that having children, even adopting, is a good thing to do before your too old, though. It might get lonely otherwise I would imagine.
Θεοδωρος Λ.
July 18, 2021 at 9:59 am
Future self is one of the gaeest things ever heard. You are nutcases next next level. Good luck
Akros hz
July 19, 2021 at 5:09 am
you like 9irls?❔❔❔❔❔❔💏👰👰
ExitDomina
July 20, 2021 at 4:58 am
And when do you take in to account the context a person is living in? I think the empathy gap is between the speaker and those who are not born into privilege.
Alicja Kijewski
July 22, 2021 at 10:32 pm
NOT YOU SORY CAN DO IT ! EXAPT ONLY ONE ! !WHO BILING WITH HIS FATHER! THAT SYSTEM!
Ashish Arya
July 23, 2021 at 4:41 pm
“.. And perhaps the most courageous conversation you can have is about your future self”- Meg Jay, TED.
Daniel Angelina
July 25, 2021 at 9:47 am
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Daniel Angelina
July 25, 2021 at 9:47 am
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Securitor
July 26, 2021 at 3:01 am
Practice mindfulness live in the moment
Claudio Benassi
July 29, 2021 at 9:05 pm
My twenties were basically a long vacuum, I just remember stuff like trains in the morning and people talking about how I wasn’t doing nothing, however , these years taught me to take life as it is, I don’t care about anything really, like tv soccer and commercials, and now I got an idea of how a lot of things work. For example I was surrounded by extremely arrogant and vulgar people that constantly talked about the work of the others, and I figured: if a thinks that b doesn’t work, and b thinks that a doesn’t work…. Somebody is actually doing something, as I actually used facilities ( more or less useful).
Probably real workers don’t actually talk rabidly about the work of others, I don’t know.
Robert Calamusso
August 7, 2021 at 5:23 pm
Good luck trying to find out what your relationships look like.
Does that question include their wants / wishes ?
The women is dreaming.
Nobody knows what the future holds.
Shamsiya Basiru
August 8, 2021 at 11:30 pm
I no longer go through pains of having herpes disease after I was able to get rid of it with Dr IGUDIA on YouTube herbal medication.
Js T
August 13, 2021 at 2:14 pm
Thank you so so much Meg u always inspire & guide me into the right directions of life since I first watched your ted talk on “why 30 is not a new 20” Thank you for the awakening advice as always!!
Neesa Johnson
August 13, 2021 at 7:14 pm
Love this future progression technique used in hypnosis and NLP
Marshmallow
August 15, 2021 at 2:45 pm
When I enter the mall, a security guard asked me, “hey ma’am how old are you”? (Feelin confused) then i told him sir im 35”. And he was like 😳. (Coz i looked 16 and bc under 18 are not allowed to enter the mall due to covid-19) loool 😂