Visit to get our entire library of TED Talks, transcripts, translations, personalized talk recommendations and more.
Parents, take a deep breath: how your kids turn out isn’t fully on you. Of course, parenting plays an important role in shaping who children become, but psychologist Yuko Munakata offers an alternative, research-backed reality that highlights how it’s just one of many factors that influence the chaotic complexity of childhood development. A rethink for anyone wondering what made them who they are today and what it means to be a good parent.
The TED Talks channel features the best talks and performances from the TED Conference, where the world’s leading thinkers and doers give the talk of their lives in 18 minutes (or less). Look for talks on Technology, Entertainment and Design — plus science, business, global issues, the arts and more. You’re welcome to link to or embed these videos, forward them to others and share these ideas with people you know.
Become a TED Member:
Follow TED on Twitter:
Like TED on Facebook:
Subscribe to our channel:
TED’s videos may be used for non-commercial purposes under a Creative Commons License, Attribution–Non Commercial–No Derivatives (or the CC BY – NC – ND 4.0 International) and in accordance with our TED Talks Usage Policy (). For more information on using TED for commercial purposes (e.g. employee learning, in a film or online course), please submit a Media Request at
Transcriber:
A few years ago,
a student came up to me
after the second day of my class
on parenting and child development.
She hesitated for a second
and then she confessed,
“I’m really interested in this material,
but I was hoping your class
would help me to become a better parent
if I have kids someday.”
She was disappointed.
We were going to talk
about how parents do not have control
in shaping who their children become.
She jumped to the conclusion
that my class wouldn’t help her.
I was caught off guard.
Would confronting the science of parenting
and child development,
not be relevant to being a good parent?
I hope that my class changed her mind.
Parents want what’s best
for their children,
young and old parents,
rich and poor,
married and divorced.
And parenting books promise to show
how to achieve the best outcomes,
to address the difficult decisions
that parents face every day
and in the process, to reveal why
each of us turned out the way we did.
The problem is that parenting books
send conflicting messages.
Tiger parenting or free-range parenting?
Parent like the Dutch
to raise the happiest kids in the world
or like the Germans,
to raise self-reliant children?
The one consistent message
is that if your child isn’t succeeding,
you’re doing something wrong.
There’s good news, though.
The science supports
a totally different message
that is ultimately empowering.
Trying to predict
how a child will turn out
based on choices made by the parents
is like trying to predict a hurricane
from the flap of a butterfly’s wings.
Do you know the butterfly,
the proverbial one,
that flaps its wings in China,
perturbing the atmosphere just enough
to shift wind currents
that make their way to the skies
over tropical white beaches
intensifying the water evaporating
from the ocean in a spiral of wind
and fueling a hurricane in the Caribbean
six weeks after that flutter of wings.
If you are a parent,
you are the butterfly flapping your wings.
Your child is the hurricane,
a breathtaking force of nature.
You will shape the person
your child becomes
like the butterfly shapes the hurricane
in complex, seemingly
unpredictable but powerful ways.
The hurricane wouldn’t exist
without the butterfly.
“Wait,” you might ask,
what about all the successful parents
with successful children
or the struggling parents
with struggling children?”
They might seem to show
the simple power of parenting.
But children can be shaped by many forces
that are often intertwined,
like successful parents, successful genes,
successful peers
and a culture of success
that they grow up in.
This can make it hard to know which forces
influence who children become.
“OK,” you might think,
“yes, it’s hard to pull apart
all these possible forces,
but we can make pretty good guesses
about the importance of parents.”
Perhaps.
Well, how many of you know
how a bicycle works?
Right, you’ve seen people riding bikes,
maybe you’ve ridden one yourself
or even tried to teach
someone else how to do it.
Just like parenting —
you’ve seen people doing it,
maybe you’ve done it yourself
or even tried to teach
someone else how to do it.
We can feel confident about what we know.
When we say we know how a bicycle works,
we think we have something
in our heads like this.
Something that relates the pedals
to the chain and to the wheels.
But when you ask people to explain
how a bicycle works,
they produce drawings like this.
And like this.
(Laughter)
People have no idea how bicycles work.
Or zippers or rainbows,
or even topics they argue
passionately about.
When you push people to explain
how these things work,
they usually can’t.
Just caring about something,
like parenting,
or feeling confident about it,
doesn’t guarantee that we understand it.
And everyone can’t possibly be right
about how parenting works,
given how wildly beliefs have varied.
Mothers in a hunter-gatherer society
regretted when their children
cut themselves themselves
while playing with knives,
but they thought the cuts
were worth the freedom to explore.
Even within one society like ours,
parenting wasn’t a common term
until the 1970s.
Before then, parents weren’t viewed
as active shapers of children’s futures.
Years from now,
people may look back on today’s views
and feel just as amazed as we feel
when hearing about other times and places.
The science could help parents,
and potential parents like my student,
to understand how they actually shape
who their children become.
Millions of children have been studied
to disentangle all those shaping forces
that are usually intertwined.
These studies follow identical
twins and fraternal twins
and plain old siblings
growing up together
or adopted and raised apart.
And it turns out that growing up
in the same home
does not make children noticeably
more alike in how successful they are,
or how happy or self-reliant and so on.
Imagine if you had been taken from birth
and raised next door
by the family to the left
and your brother or sister
had been raised next door
by the family to the right,
by and large, that would have made you
no more similar or different
than growing up together
under the same roof.
On the one hand, these findings
seem unbelievable.
Think about all the ways
that parents differ from home to home
and how often they argue
and whether they helicopter
and how much they shower
their children with love.
You would think that would matter enough
to make children growing up
in the same home more alike
than if they had been raised apart.
But it doesn’t.
In 2015, a meta analysis,
a study of studies,
found this pattern across
thousands of studies
following over 14 million twin pairs
across 39 countries.
They measured over 17,000 outcomes.
And the researchers concluded
that every single one
of those outcomes is heritable.
So genes influence who children become.
But genes didn’t explain everything.
The environment mattered too,
just something in the environment
that didn’t shape children growing up
in the same home to be more alike.
Some people have looked at these findings
and concluded that parenting
doesn’t matter.
That you would have become
the same person you are today,
regardless of who raised you.
On the other hand,
and really, I should say
on the other hands,
because there are many
caveats to that story,
but I’ll focus on one.
On the other hand,
these findings are not all that shocking.
If you think about how the same parent
could shape different
children in different ways.
One child might find it helpful
when her mother provides structure.
Her sister might find it’s stifling.
One child might think
his parents are caring
when they ask questions about his friends.
His brother might think
they’re being nosy.
One child might view
a divorce as a tragedy,
while his sister sees it as a relief.
Same event, different experience.
My husband and I experienced
this concept 20 years ago
when we were 30,000 feet
over the Atlantic,
flying from Chicago to Stockholm
to work on a research project.
The flight attendants
were clearing the dinner trays,
people were getting ready to sleep.
We hit a patch of bumpy air
and a bunch of teenagers
whooped in excitement.
Then all of a sudden,
the plane was plummeting,
children and food carts hit the ceiling.
The plane seemed to stabilize,
but then plummeted again.
The ceiling panels flew up
into their compartments from the force,
revealing wiring inside.
Debris came crumbling down on us.
People were screaming and sobbing.
The plane plummeted again.
After an eternity,
the pilot came on and announced,
“We don’t know what that was.
We don’t know what’s coming.
Stay in your seats.”
My husband came away from that experience
feeling like planes are incredibly safe.
(Laughter)
The airline sent a letter informing us
that we hadn’t simply been falling
across those thousands of feet
of clear air turbulence.
The plane had been subjected
to forces greater than 2G.
We learned that planes can withstand
forces many times larger.
So my husband feels safe flying.
He seems genuinely baffled
by how anyone could feel otherwise.
I get that concept,
but only in the abstract.
I’ve never been able to fly
the same way since.
Same event, different experience.
Just because an event
doesn’t shape people in the same way,
that doesn’t mean it had no effect.
Your parenting could be
shaping your children,
just not in ways that lead them
to become more alike.
Your parenting could be leading
your first child to become more serious,
your second child to become more relaxed.
Your first child to want to be like you,
your second child to want
to be nothing like you.
You are flapping your butterfly wings
to your hurricane children.
This isn’t how we typically
think about parenting.
It doesn’t make for simple advice.
How could parenting books tell people
how to raise successful, happy,
self-reliant children,
if the same parenting
can lead to different outcomes
for children in the same home?
At this point, you might be thinking,
like students in my class sometimes say,
“OK, we get it.
development is complicated.
And maybe it’s not worth studying
because it’s too complicated.”
But meaning can be made from chaos.
Scientists now understand
how babies go from these apparent lumps
to become walking, talking,
thinking, social independent beings.
They understand this process
well enough to intervene,
to test newborns, for example,
and treat them for a genetic condition
that used to lead to mental retardation.
Scientists are developing ever more
sophisticated understanding
of how parents could shape
their children’s futures.
Science can tell us a lot.
But it will never tell us everything.
So what can we do with this?
First, know that parents matter.
That might seem obvious,
but smart people are arguing otherwise,
and what seems obvious
is not always true, as we’ve seen.
Second, know that how parents matter
is complex and difficult to predict.
For anyone who has ever been a parent,
stop blaming yourself,
as if you are in control
of your child’s path.
You have influence,
but you don’t have control.
For anyone who has ever been a child,
stop blaming your parents.
(Laughter)
At least for the idea
that you are defined by them.
Stop blaming other parents.
A recent survey of thousands of parents
revealed that 90 percent of mothers
and 85 percent of fathers feel judged.
Close to half feel judged all the time
or nearly all the time
by people they know
and by complete strangers.
These judgments probably don’t reflect
what’s best for the kids.
How could they, given how profoundly
parenting has varied around the world
and across time?
And given how the same parents
can shape children
under the same roof
in such different ways.
Even when parents try their best,
they can’t satisfy everybody.
There’s only so much time.
This is especially true
for dragon parents.
The author, Emily Rapp,
came up with this term
after her baby was diagnosed
with Tay-Sachs disease.
She knew then that Ronan
would never walk or talk.
He would likely die before turning four.
I did not know
that this could also be the fate
of my firstborn son.
He was born with a condition
that prevents the intestine
from absorbing nutrients
or water for the body.
It affects one in five million babies.
One in five million.
It is so rare
that one doctor felt confident telling us
that we would be screwed
if that’s what our baby had.
He was the one who had
to break the news to us later.
Dragon parents have a lot
to say about parenting,
even though they know
their children will die young,
or in my case,
even if we have no idea
whether our babies will live.
Emily Rapp wrote,
“We will not launch our children
into a bright and promising future,
but see them into early graves.”
This requires a new ferocity,
a new way of thinking, a new animal.
We are dragon parents,
fierce and loyal and loving as hell.
Our experiences have taught us
how to parent for the here and now,
for the sake of parenting,
for the humanity
implicit in the act itself.
Parenting, I’ve come to understand,
is about loving my child today,
now.
In fact, for any parent anywhere,
that’s all there is.
I had thought that my expertise
in child development
would help prepare me
for becoming a parent.
Instead, becoming a parent helped me
to see the science in a whole new light.
So third, appreciate how powerful
the moments can be
because of what they mean for you
and your child right now,
not because of what they mean
for your child long term,
which you do not know.
The activist Andrew Solomon noted,
“Though many of us take pride in how
different we are from our parents,
we are endlessly sad at how different
our children are from us.”
Maybe we could be less sad
if we were more realistic,
if we let go of the notion
that our children’s futures
are in our control.
If we can embrace the complexity
of our children’s development
that can transform how we approach
those parenting decisions we face each day
and empower us to realize
how much more there is to having a child
than trying to shape a specific outcome.
So much more,
which I appreciate every day
in moments with my firstborn son,
who is thriving
and with his younger brother
and the unique paths they are taking.
We are not screwed.
(Laughter)
The science of parents and children,
butterflies and their hurricanes,
can free people to focus
on what is most important
and meaningful in our lives.
This can make the experience
of being a parent
and the experience of having been a child
more realistic and satisfying
for everyone involved.
And that, I think, is very relevant
to being a good parent.
Science & Technology4 years ago
CNET4 years ago
Wired6 years ago
People & Blogs3 years ago
Wired6 years ago
Wired6 years ago
Wired6 years ago
CNET5 years ago
Neo Anderson
June 2, 2021 at 8:21 pm
Very dull and onesided view of parenting neglecting mental or physical abuse that many many children grow up in. She’s basically trying to not take repsonsibilty for being a bad parent.
“iT’s NoT uP to Me NoBoDY ReaLLy kNowS hOw tHiS worKS !!!!
HEY BTW lOoK at ThEsE BiKeS ! BTW iM a sCiEnTisT !!!!1!!”
Katarina Janoskova
June 2, 2021 at 8:37 pm
Of course abuse suffered will influence children in their adulthood.
But this talk is not about that.
It seems (clearly from the comments so far) that people are very touchy about parenting and ‘feel’ they do influence their kids.
There are numerous studies that show how genes and the wider environment have a much bigger influence on how kids turn out. Siblings can be widely different from each other even though they are growing up in the same home (genes can combine in many different combinations we don’t influence – yet) and studies confirm that it is better for a kid to have bad parents in a good neighbourhood than vice versa. Twin adoption studies show how remarkably similar identical twins separated at birth are even if they grew up with very different parents.
Of course you have some influence on your kids, but probably by far not as much as you think. For more please check out Steven Pinker’s Blank Slate and Blueprint by Robert Plomin.
Oscar
June 2, 2021 at 9:08 pm
Agreed! Also read those 2 books, they´re both great and insightfull! As you point out correctly, people are so touchy about this subject and just dont want to hear the facts … and also saying that genes make a difference is scandalous in todays society …
Jenzo
June 2, 2021 at 9:12 pm
Thank you for your sensible input and it’s very kind of you to use the label touchy. I’m still left a little overwhelmed, how some people don’t just view this content, but have the audacity to drop some arguably defensive and shallow comments. This woman has clearly got years of academic experience, scientific back up (that took many scientists a lot of time) and is a parents herself. To comment something like “I don’t think so.” is always valid (free opinion), though inconsiderate.
Hublexys
June 2, 2021 at 8:49 pm
Let’s get real: if you raise your kid in the wrong environment, surrounded by bad influences, that is on you. You can’t control who they admire, but you can improve the mix of people they interact with. If your school district is bad, that was your choice. If you don’t enrich their lives, you are not helping them. You can always improve the environment in which they grow. The rest is up to them.
Should add: it is up to you and the society and people around you.
Oscar
June 2, 2021 at 9:00 pm
Parents matter, but they don´t make a difference.
Chuck Brenner Indianashogman
June 2, 2021 at 9:01 pm
Teach em good morals , read em the bible, and whoop they’re butt if they do bad.
They will grow up with a sense of respect for rules and a moral compass for treating others and knowing the reward of everlasting life and love from Jesus .
Lane Atkinson
June 2, 2021 at 9:51 pm
You must have had an awful childhood if you honestly think that indoctrination and physical abuse are the keys to healthy childhood development…
Bernard WERLÉ
June 2, 2021 at 9:52 pm
Oops
Chuck Brenner Indianashogman
June 3, 2021 at 12:41 am
@Lane Atkinson I was a rotten child . I got into a lot of trouble. It was when I learned that there were consequences for my actions that I began to straighten out. Then i learned of rewards for good behavior gave me goals.
Now I’m a farmer that owns 155 acres , father of 3 , married, we are not in debt, high credit scores, I’m a fine arts teacher. So no i wasn’t abused but I sure did give my parents a few near heart attacks. And for that I am sorry. It it shaped me into who I am today.
Ryan S
June 2, 2021 at 9:02 pm
It is true, yet school/15,000 hr gun pointed indoctrination probably has a lot to why their parents are the way they are. The influence of society makes the parents and child.
Jordan Peters
June 2, 2021 at 9:11 pm
It has been found that infants brought up in a family where one parent is “loving” but the other is “hostile” towards the child causes maldevelopment of the parts of the brain that govern anger. As adults such children often have “anger management” problems …they can suddenly switch from a calm demeanour to extreme anger.. Psychiatrists who really “know the score” speak of the influence of the “significant other” in the person’s childhood. Other types of parental behaviour cause depression in adult life. The worst thing a mother can do to a toddler when out and about is to threaten to leave it …the infant can experience a profound panic … that can lead to schizophrenia in adult life.
octo yat
June 2, 2021 at 9:25 pm
Some of the points made in this presentation felt incredibly vague and the result of that can send a very bad message.
Black Wolf
June 2, 2021 at 9:32 pm
It seems that the best we can do is provide our children with ‘tools’ to help them to navigate their own worlds. Like how to treat others, deal with fear and anxiety and how to critically think about complex matters and how to be strong but empathetic. Aside from that make their environment at home as fun, encouraging and educational as possible.
Manginder Singh
June 2, 2021 at 9:51 pm
So basically, according to her, one shall give birth and let them loose because it’s already pre-determined by genetics how child is going to turn out.
If they do not have any influence, I wonder what parenting is all about then ?
If two children are turning out different from each other, it’s highly possibly one is influenced by mother and another by father. Using this to say, it’s all genetics and environment and none parenting is absurd.
For An Angel
June 3, 2021 at 1:22 am
You missed the whole point of the talk.
Michelle LL
June 2, 2021 at 10:03 pm
Dear God, thank you for this new day, for allowing us to see it, for our families, loved ones and friends..
Awesome God, i pray you boost our immune system & keep us away from the Covid 19 virus.. heal all sick, Bless us with good health & help us improve our financial status. Amen!
Lane Atkinson
June 2, 2021 at 10:05 pm
“And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men. … But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.” I’m not even religious and I know this.
Cigarmann
June 2, 2021 at 10:08 pm
This woman had horrible parents……
C T
June 2, 2021 at 10:10 pm
Certainly, this is the beauty of life, not being able to control someone’s life we struggle with our own life. Choices are made every day, every opportunity. Still, we can’t shape how our sons and daughters may behave and choose their paths.
matt roko
June 2, 2021 at 10:15 pm
Now I’m confused
Be Flabbergasted
June 2, 2021 at 10:23 pm
That is BS. Imagine in a religious family one child is straight and the other is both an atheist and gay. Do you really think the behaviour of the parents is of no influence especially if they treat the gay child like a persona non grata and concentrate all their attention on the other? Do you really think this child would grow up the same if he was fully accepted by the parents and treated the same way the other one was? You are generalizing something that can not be generalized.
privat privat
June 2, 2021 at 11:02 pm
Good parenting is influenced by one thing and one thing only. OnConcious conciousness rational awareness. being Well evolved from birth…. the truth is that…. 99,99 of humanity is not like this…(me included) we are all damaged…in the future we should trully need to be healed beings first before starting to have children… and onconciously people dont even Understand what this trully means…
larhule
June 2, 2021 at 11:08 pm
Jesus Christ. 6 min into the video and she’s still in the preamble. Get on with it!
Rambler 7
June 2, 2021 at 11:09 pm
I want to believe this but……….I can’t.
Tzadik
June 2, 2021 at 11:11 pm
My opinion on parenting is that the odds of good parents producing good children and bad parents producing bad children seem to be relative.
hobotechMASTER
June 2, 2021 at 11:12 pm
hmm theres certainly things to blame your parents for. im not sure what i was lookin for in this talk
-
June 2, 2021 at 11:59 pm
Parents can mold their kids, but only _before_ they start school and start getting influenced by others. And even then, it’s not always guaranteed because there have been plenty of good parents with bad kids and bad parents with good kids.
larhule
June 3, 2021 at 12:36 am
Are her conclusions colored by the trauma of losing a child?
Zenn Exile
June 3, 2021 at 1:14 am
Unless of course those parents routinely inflict trauma on those children. Intentionally or accidentally is meaningless. And so is this entire video. Prediction isn’t the goal and never was. Proper child rearing is about giving as many kids as you can the most trauma-free development cycle possible. Pretending parents are not responsible for the culture they pass on to their children is as dangerous as it is delusional. Indoctrination to the mother’s perspective literally begins in the womb.
name
June 3, 2021 at 1:18 am
Wasted 17 minutes of my life, didn’t learn anything about parenting
Susan R. Brown
June 3, 2021 at 1:26 am
Is this the same with narcissistic, an abusive(physical, mental, and sexual abuse). I just don’t see that being the same outcome in anyway. Especially when it’s been proven to scientifically to change ur brain and as far as your DNA from these abuses? And this is becoming very common in the USA especially.
Andi Tags
June 3, 2021 at 4:33 am
Yeah. This is true with my relationship between my foster parents and biological ones.
Nawroz Zahan Preety
June 3, 2021 at 4:39 am
But when a child is enthusiastic about books, studies, science and crafts and the child is dependent on the parents for the materials, and the parents don’t even notice or appreciate his appreciation let alone provide them books or materials then obviously those parents are responsible.
Levani Svimonishvili
June 3, 2021 at 5:25 am
This is pure bullshit. How is that parents that ignore their children or worse – abuse them, not affect their development and who they become after 10-20 years? This woman is just gaslighting the audience. Disgusting!
селестика 𓃚:*111
June 3, 2021 at 5:46 am
all i’m saying is two teachers and my psychologist have called child protection on my parents 3 times in the past and i’ve spent collectively 6 months inpatient in children’s psychiatric hospitals from diagnosed as PTSD and depression induced psychosis… and the depression itself 🤦♀️ my brain is shaped around all of that. i’m 18 in three months.
this is NOT an excuse for non self-aware abusive parents — including emotionally and verbally, the not so physically apparent forms of abuse — to reinforce that ignorance and their massive fucking role in their child’s path. THIS DOES NOT APPLY TO YOU.
my mum is in complete denial of her personal emotionally abusive part. complete denial. claims she did everything right, that i and everyone blame her. i know how dangerous this video would be if she saw it.
THIS DOES NOT APPLY TO ABUSIVE PARENTS. KEEP THAT IN MIND. this is low key dangerous. there is so so so so so much substantiated evidence that our upbringing and exposure during development affects the child. so much.
jake the dog
June 3, 2021 at 6:09 am
I think best parenting is to let children laugh at there funny / total disaster experience
Bobby Montez
June 3, 2021 at 7:37 am
Good start.
Biji AM
June 3, 2021 at 6:22 am
Thanks mamVery useful messages
Bobby Trill
June 3, 2021 at 6:28 am
I think these people just suck at drawing. If you don’t understand how a bicycle or zipper works, you probably shouldn’t have children to begin with, lol.
JEPSdatter
June 3, 2021 at 7:19 am
These studies of twins have been criticised by scholars because it does not take in to account that the twins share early history and trauma. They are already shaped somewhat.
Mr_E_Man 007
June 3, 2021 at 8:34 am
There’s actually no advice in this video, just a series of analogies backing up a statement that the same parenting can have different outcomes on siblings living in the same house. Meh.
Jake Simon
June 3, 2021 at 9:23 am
This is the perfect time to venture into the crypto market, especially considering the current price crash… There is no better time than now to buy as much crypto as possible
Sarah Hamilton
June 3, 2021 at 10:45 am
How do I start trading with Mr Clayton
Jaime Clement
June 3, 2021 at 10:49 am
+ 1 7 1 6 4 3 1 4 2 5 7
Jaime Clement
June 3, 2021 at 10:53 am
Text hm on What’s app👆👆👆
Nancy samuel
June 3, 2021 at 10:55 am
I’m so happy for taking the bold step in working and investing $3000 with Mr Clayton after two weeks I received $6468 to my bank
Leon rodriquez
June 3, 2021 at 11:00 am
The idea behind every business venture is maximize profit and this concept is very important in the crypto market
FastPacedCheese
June 3, 2021 at 10:19 am
What rollercoaster of emotions I’ve been sustaining during this quite paradoxically monotonous toned expressed trip that was this video, Ted videos really are one of the unique organisations that 100%, emphasis on the entirety of the compliance, stay true to their slogan, absolutely ideas worth sharing. Also am kinda happy to be reinforced by such a high authority in the field that I had the right kind of perspective on the way I would one day do my part of parenting, peace //
Smi Co
June 3, 2021 at 10:28 am
How does a plane “get affected by 2g”…?
Фрося Бурлакова
June 3, 2021 at 12:21 pm
Please, include subtitles, pleeeease!
luckbealady
June 3, 2021 at 12:42 pm
What a beautiful talk. I’d love to take a class from Ms Munakata.
David Draghici
June 3, 2021 at 1:26 pm
1:27 Both
David Draghici
June 3, 2021 at 1:44 pm
To be honest I don’t really like this talk, it is just very vague and also doesn’t go on the other side of the spectrum, that how a person is affects the child, and if they are violent and broken this can pass onto the child. It is much more generalised which can be a bit dangerous.
goji
June 3, 2021 at 2:15 pm
Just a thought, but this talk seems to approach the topic with a little bit too much emotion, rather than passion. It’s a very serious and important topic, you need to be level-headed when entering the context of logical reasoning, otherwise there’s a high chance of emotional bias I’d say. For example, it sounds like what she said about her own child happened recently, too recently. My heartfelt condolences go out to her, yes. But, like others said in the comments, she could be grasping for some kind of relief from her grief by being overly positive.
hymasusee
June 3, 2021 at 2:20 pm
What her talk focuses on is more towards how growing up in identical environments can have different impacts on people, but most parents probably want to know how to create the best possible environment for their children, right?
Big Mike
June 3, 2021 at 3:02 pm
Gee, you’re raising an independent person who makes their own decisions. They make most of their decisions based off of fitting in with other children so they don’t feel alone all the time. The television “programming” your child watches or video games they play says more about what they will become as adults than the child’s parents.
Abhilash
June 3, 2021 at 6:10 pm
Not interesting at all
Carlos de Alcântara
June 3, 2021 at 6:35 pm
Cadê os BR assistindo TEDcu? 😂😂😂😂😂
Oceanic 84
June 3, 2021 at 10:42 pm
[06/03/22] How can anyone that knows how to ride a bicycle, and see one in their mind not be able to explain how a bicycle works?? Or even sketch a decent one on paper?? 🤔🤔🤔🤣🤣🤣
Hodl Hands
June 3, 2021 at 11:07 pm
Yuko has not given creedence to r/raisedbynarcissists/ subreddit with 700k members.
Kylie Davis
June 3, 2021 at 11:24 pm
Not her saying “mental r**********” in 2021 😰
G A D
June 4, 2021 at 12:55 am
Parents only ? And a intire country?
El Jefe
June 4, 2021 at 2:15 am
my parents are traditional Chinese parents who will not hesitate to hit me or cane me if i misbehaved badly, lied , cheated or stole something.
am i now a social outcast psychopath ?
nope.
i love them very much, and i am taking care of them in their old age.
El Jefe
June 4, 2021 at 2:34 am
as a father of a 2 year old and very sassy daughter, i went through a few parenting styles , and this are my reflections.
always be open to learn and to be taught , not just by others, but even by your child.
always be ready to shift and constantly adjust your parenting style according to your childs personality
remember you will make mistakes , try to forgive yourself and become better.
Kevin Evans
June 4, 2021 at 3:55 am
Two comments: 1] I know people who’ve had or lost trisome, severely autistic, or mentally retarded children. The pain is awful. My condolences.
Kevin Evans
June 4, 2021 at 3:58 am
2] The Q of asking if children are more alike if raised by the same parents seems to be off the mark to what patents really want. Not that they should be more alike, but happoer, healthier, and more able to cope with and adapt to life.
Lisa Love Ministries
June 4, 2021 at 4:36 am
1 Corinthians 15
The Good News
Maria Fox
June 4, 2021 at 4:42 am
I have always thought, “Parents get too much credit when their kid turns out ‘good’, and too much blame when their kid turns out ‘bad’.”
Helene
June 4, 2021 at 6:01 am
So attachment theory is just made up then? I’m sorry there’s much more research and it’s clearly evident that your adverse childhood experiences shape the way you think, act, make decisions and how you view yourself and the world.
🌟 Kamron Kadirov // Personal development
June 4, 2021 at 6:13 am
*🎯Let’s not procrastinate and achieve our goals! We can go it*
🌟 Kamron Kadirov // Productivity - Education
June 4, 2021 at 6:13 am
*🎯Let’s not procrastinate and achieve our goals! We can go it*
🌟 Kamron Kadirov // Personal development
June 4, 2021 at 6:13 am
*Whoever reads this comment, I wish u the all the best in ur life and in the life of your family:^)*
🌟 Kamron Kadirov // Productivity - Education
June 4, 2021 at 6:13 am
*Whoever reads this comment, I wish u the all the best in ur life and in the life of your family:^)*
🌟 Kamron Kadirov // Personal development
June 4, 2021 at 6:14 am
*✨Motivation for you:*
1) *Work hard in silence, let your success be in noice📸*
2) *Life begins at the end of your comfort zone🔎*
3) *Don’t stop when you’re tired*
*Stop when you’re done💥*
4) *Do not give up🌟*
*If no one in the world believes in you, I believe in you, don’t forget that💎*
5) *Knowledge is the most powerful 💣*
6) *Earn your success yourself🔖*
7) *Stop procrastinating📚*
8) *Small actions make great results🎯*
9) *Hold yourself accountable🏅*
10) *Always be kind, help others, work hard, be patient❤*
🌟 Kamron Kadirov // Productivity - Education
June 4, 2021 at 6:14 am
*✨Motivation for you:*
1) *Work hard in silence, let your success be in noice📸*
2) *Life begins at the end of your comfort zone🔎*
3) *Don’t stop when you’re tired*
*Stop when you’re done💥*
4) *Do not give up🌟*
*If no one in the world believes in you, I believe in you, don’t forget that💎*
5) *Knowledge is the most powerful 💣*
6) *Earn your success yourself🔖*
7) *Stop procrastinating📚*
8) *Small actions make great results🎯*
9) *Hold yourself accountable🏅*
10) *Always be kind, help others, work hard, be patient❤*
🌟 Kamron Kadirov // Personal development
June 4, 2021 at 6:14 am
*🎯Let’s not procrastinate and crush today’s studying📚!*
🌟 Kamron Kadirov // Productivity - Education
June 4, 2021 at 6:14 am
*🎯Let’s not procrastinate and crush today’s studying📚!*
Nitish abhishek
June 4, 2021 at 7:23 am
No offence to anyone this Ted talk was completely vague and I found there is no take away from this 17 minutes, cause speaker isn’t sure what this talk is about ? Science explains everything but what ? Same event different experience yeah right agreed and….?
Gene T
June 4, 2021 at 8:08 am
Yeah, no.
Highly Combustible new channel
June 4, 2021 at 10:24 am
Wow broke me alllll up when she started talking about dragon parents damn as i lay here looking at my only and first baby9 month old sleeping on his baby monitor. I cant even handle the thought of how awful that would be to be told your little angel from heaven that you love with your entire heart and soul would only be with you for such a heartbreaking short amount of time and their gone……. 😭💔 i guess this is all you can do is enjoy every moment im so sorry and heartbroken for these and other parents who have lost or had too short of time if any, with your baby. It kills me completely and I am grieving heavy tonight for you all. 💔😭 you are so strong living with this heart wrenching situations….. and i am here with my baby who is healthy and happy but i am so much weaker than you !! I cant even bear the thought
Tanjiro Kamado
June 4, 2021 at 12:04 pm
Why there is no subtitles
woshinwb
June 4, 2021 at 1:17 pm
Trauma and socio-economic status do play a huge influence on the outcomes of children. This is barely one side of the picture
Tracy Heaslip
June 4, 2021 at 3:13 pm
Good Bless You!
Thank You
Mal_e
June 4, 2021 at 3:16 pm
My mother has high expectations, and when I couldn’t live up to that she would constantly compare me with other people’s children. She would praise my elder sister constantly till this day. After 35 years, I realized this has caused me to question myself, lost my confidence and afraid to stand up for myself (because she would always give me the eye & ever ready to point out my faults). I will not be like her with my children. I had a miscarriage and she still chose to tell me that one person (both of us knew) who is older than me “could get pregnant and have a baby”. Parents! Just love your children no matter what.
evilqueen13
June 4, 2021 at 5:45 pm
This whole ‘how children turn out’ thing kind of bugs me, we change throughout our lives I’m still changing, my kids are changing. We change together throughout our lives, helping each other along the way as we need it. There is no end goal of how we turned out. Life doesn’t work like that.
Speedy Gonzalez
June 6, 2021 at 5:37 am
Agree. Each time she mentioned “success”, I thought: stop, I don’t care about that, I wish my children feel fulfilled. She didn’t make this important distinguishment.
Chef Kitchen
June 4, 2021 at 6:47 pm
Does she have any children?
Eternal Atake
June 4, 2021 at 7:01 pm
Succesfull people (but not famous), those people are the happiest people, because they achieved something which they started (with failures), the people that don’t give up after failing are the happiest people, happier then the people who have a job they don’t like, I believe those people are usually low-self esteem people. People who are not happy with themselves are dangerous to society, because they drag happy positive people down to their level (atleast they try, they don’t even know it).
Donyorbek Ashirov
June 4, 2021 at 7:18 pm
If you’d know the things about parenting in Islam, trust there will be nothing to abuse or shape ect
Brian Sun
June 4, 2021 at 10:07 pm
There’s a saying in Chinese 以身作則, meaning that you teach by your own example. Children learn behaviors from their parents. There’s definitely some “science” behind that.
Ben Kah
June 5, 2021 at 5:36 am
Nothing of substince in this post its made for people who are despret and yes its 100% the parents fault people need to own there mistakes.
Ben Kah
June 5, 2021 at 5:37 am
If there is a 50% chance your kid will die before there 5th b day. Adopt and dont give your self a Special name beside selfish person
Henry Stradford
June 5, 2021 at 9:16 am
Please? Never change your video intro. I love it!! It makes me feel as if I’m at a TED conference!
Henry Stradford
June 5, 2021 at 9:31 am
What’s successful? What’s struggling? The problem is the modern-day mold. Too many think we ‘all’ must fit into it. That’s wrong!!
Shazeeda Lindemann
June 5, 2021 at 11:21 am
No advice here! Tell me something I don’t already know 🙄
Margaret Huffines
June 5, 2021 at 1:30 pm
This TED talk is inherently wrong…
Mohamed Badawy
June 5, 2021 at 6:07 pm
2:12
Damn chinese butterflies
Its always china
Aljoharah A
June 7, 2021 at 1:27 am
She makes no sense to me ?????
Why So Sad?
June 7, 2021 at 1:44 pm
i think the whole video is based on genetics and environment and how they affect each other meaning genetically inherited character won’t surface if not triggered. and a person growing in beautiful env(subjective to diff person though)
millennial_falcon
June 7, 2021 at 3:38 pm
My father completely ignored me when I, a 13 year old traumatized kid who didn’t know how else to communicate, showed him I wanted to kill myself by acting out slitting my wrists. He just shook his head at me as if to say “stop it” like I was looking for attention. This speech does not take into account parents who neglect their children, so with all due respect, don’t tell me to stop blaming my parents.
Tim Lee
June 8, 2021 at 7:09 am
I’m sorry to hear that. You’re responsible for the choices that you make in your life, no one else makes your choices. I can only hope that you will make positive choices that will improve your life, and choices that help you grow as a person. I hope you are able to find help, and I hope that both your father and you learn how to talk to people, and more importantly each other. If you cannot explain yourself, you’ll never be understood.
strelnikoff7
June 8, 2021 at 4:51 pm
wow, what a pile of nonsense … preparing modern world for parentless society much? Gotta love these socio-pseudo-scientists who create some experiments, read someone else data and draw conclusions. How does she knows what did a mother in hunter-gatherer society think when her child cuts on the “knife”? Just to think – those societies were around up to about 10,000 yrs ago – and there were no knives but stone tools… anyway – this seems like a modern “feel good” BS for equally modern parents … hipsters …
Major Old Lady aka, Mom
June 8, 2021 at 8:33 pm
Old adage, from a Major Old Lady, aka Mom…
We cannot take all of the credit for the good or the bad behavior or character traits in our kids.
They can be raised in a great home, and turn out hellions or serial murderers.
They can be raised in a hellish environment and turn out to be an Angel of mercy and going on to be a World leader or World changer, right?
Keep your chin up, people, ok?
⚘🙏❤🙏⚘
Major Old Lady aka, Mom
June 8, 2021 at 8:58 pm
We only “borrow” our children for a very short time… 20 years of the life expectancy of 80+ years.
Hold them close to your heart, pray for them, feed their minds, body and souls…
Amazing song?
Wayne Watson.
Watercolor Ponies.
Will stop you straight, dead-up in your mind/heart tracks.
⚘ 🙏❤🙏 ⚘